It was a safe space. Half of the high school’s population was in the gymnasium the other half to take part the following day. I had grown tired since school was to get out in around fifteen minutes. My fingers cold from the rising autumn air were hidden beneath my legs as I tried to warm them up. People were walking up to the microphone positioned at the front of the mass of chair sharing what they wanted with the group since not a word was o leave the room after the day was finished. I sighed swinging my legs back and forth impatiently as Carson stood up beside me finding his way to the front of the room. Curious as to what he would say I finally looked up.

Carson gulped trembling as he slid one hand into his pocket and clenched the other tightly around the mike stand, “Hi everyone…!” The teen managed through the clenched teeth as his eyes met mine through the crowd, “So I um…” He stumbled out nearly choking on his tongue before he drew in a deep breath, then letting it out slowly, “I’m bisexual.” He sighed returning to his seat without a word.

As he slumped down, I tapped his shoulder giving him a small smile, “I’m proud of you…”

“Thanks…”

Carson was really brave, unlike me. Thankfully since I’m completely entirely straight I’ll never have to worry about that…

. . .

It was a few weeks later and we were in the art room when the thought came to me. I guess the whole thing had vacated my mind just as quickly as it had come to be there. Carson was the same as always laughing and still a hell of a lot better at art than me.

I picked up the deer skull that my art teacher had acquired from a student a number using before and placed it a few inches from my face, “I’m simply one hell of a deer!” He chuckled as I put the skull back joining in on his laughter, It’s strange… I have nothing against it, but I thought him being bi would bother me a little and yet… Nothing feels any different…

. . .

We had been laughing on the bus together like any other day when I first noticed that wall between us. It’s funny that I never noticed it before, but really, I should’ve run away the moment he said those words. I guess I was holding onto the past. I could still remember all those childhood memories and inside jokes glued to the inside of my eyelids with every homophobic line that he repeated from his script. Still, I thought I could change him and worst of all I thought it was my job to change his mindset.

I leaned over the back of the bus seat hanging onto every word Mathew said like the gospel when he finally said it, “Do you think it’s weirder for two guys or two girls to be together.” He asked seriously as my heart fell straight to my knees.

My lip trembled for a second as it slowly pulled itself up into a forced smile as I vomited out a touch of laughter, “I don’t think either one’s weird at all.” In my head, the question had long faded. I wasn’t straight. I saw the first working of the wall that day, but I pretended that I didn’t because if I acknowledged it, then I would have to admit to the fears I’d been holding onto for so long. And more than anything I feared how much the broken bond would hurt me if it ever came to light.

. . .

“I’m sleepy…” I muttered to Mathew as I squeezed into the seat next to him. Normally he sat just behind him, but today I had insisted that we sit together.

“Okay.” He mumbled not really caring as he pulled out his phone as I placed my head on his shoulder gently breathing in that sweet scent that I was well familiar with. The boy gave it no question as I close my eyes and took great joy in how warm he was. The truth was that I had probably been in love with him for a long time, but I didn’t need to admit it. As long as I could still feel this warmth everything would be fine…

. . .

I watched the flames engulf the logs as my heart pounded along with the music. I was finally going to tell him. I was finally going to come out to my best friend. Easy enough, right? Like hell was it easy. With how little he seemed to understand about the like, but of course, he would accept me. He was my best friend after all.

As the bonfire gave a crackle, I finally found my voice. Only a whisper of its former self, “You know I think I might be pansexual…” I squeezed eyes still watching the orange wisps as I rubbed the spare pennies in my pocket as though they might save the day.

“I don’t get it.” He said giving me a faraway look.

“Well, you see--!”

“I DON’T GET IT!” He repeated more forceful this time.

“Oh.” I sank back in my chair hiding the tears that edges of my mind wanted to let out. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.

. . .

I leaned against Carson’s chest feeling his heartbeat along with mine, “Ya know I’ve been thinking…” The boy gave a light sound to show that he had been listening, “I think I might be gay and not pan. It’s just I think that, for the most part, I’m only attracted to guys.”

“As long as you’re attracted to me, I don’t care…” Carson giggled in a giddy fashion as he nuzzled his face into my neck before finding his way to my lips kissing me delicately.

. . .

“Hey, Mom… Dad…” I have something to tell you.” My heart leaped into my throat, “And, I guess, Eric can know too?” They looked at me attentively as I played with the hem of my shirt, “The thing is… I’m gay.”

“Hey, Gay, I’m Mom!” My mother winked with a laugh as she pulled me into her arms lightly stroking my hair as I shivered the fear still loose in my body.

“Syd…” My father hissed under his breath with a shake of his head, “You can’t take this seriously for one second… I’m glad you felt comfortable coming to us.” My father smiled proudly, “Thank you for believing in us.”

“I’m glad I won’t have to worry about you stealing my girlfriends!” Eric put in smirking as he placed a hand on my shoulder, “I’m happy for you, little brother.”

. . .

I placed my hands on the firmness of Carson’s chest to his well-reddened cheeks. My own face had gone a lovely shade of crimson long before and my mind was a vacant space as our lips touched delicately at first before lighting up with passion. Our breathing grew to a heavy pant as our hands moved across each other’s bodies. I gave a shudder as we leaned into each other begging for the moment to never end. As we pulled away from each other and the extended intimacy came to an end Carson brought his arms around me burying his face in the curve of my neck as I brought my fingers through his hair admiring the softness of its length.

“I love you…” I managed through what was left of my voice, “You’re amazing, Carson…”

“I love you too…” Carson murmured through hooded eyes as we both drifted off to sleep tangled in each other’s arms.