Talk about irony!

Guess who woke up on Sunday morning with a severe headache, stomach pains, and a 105 degree fever?

Well, after the Bar Mitzvah from Hell, I got sick and had to stay home. I was not happy.

Also unhappy was Jem, who got the first punishment of the new millennium. After the tantrum of the century, mom punished her by not allowing her to go on the trip to Washington, D.C. in the spring. Plus, dad made her write me an apology letter and had her take my unwanted clothes to the Salvation Army. So she's not happy right now.

Reginald is also made to help her get rid of my unwanted clothes and toys, as he's not pulling his weight around the house. He never told us he was kicked out of his high school for truancy when he was with us. To be fair, his school isn't worth mentioning, as it was a dumping place for kids who couldn't function in a proper high school. (For once, I'm glad he quit that stupid school; maybe he can finish out the year at Lochland High School this year, if it's not too late.)

So anyway, I stayed in bed all day, with Jem and Reggie being forced to wait on me hand and foot. (Or maybe not. I'm not that cruel to force them to do what I say, even if they deserved it.) Also, I had to miss church because I was sick, so I didn't have to face those annoying kids who sit next to Kala Walton in the second row from the front. Those kids stare at you like they know all your sins. I can't tell you how many times they stared at me, like I was the worst sinner of all by being Jewish. Like come on, you two! Don't you know that Jesus was a Jewish carpenter who invented Christianity? Why can't you figure that out? Plus, Jesus had to go through his bar mitzvah like every Jewish boy, so what gives you the right to judge me based on my own beliefs?

I guess some people aren't happy unless they're hurting other people.

Anyway, after wasting an entire day in bed, I got up and went to the bathroom, where I took a long hot bath. After that, I go back to my room, where mom has a hot bowl of stew ready for me to eat as well as a glass of ginger ale. (She doesn't like using plastic cups.) She says, "I already told the school that you won't be coming back until Tuesday."

"But it's St. Valentine's Day tomorrow," I protest. "Plus, Mrs. Jonson is giving the class a test in math and I can't miss it."

"I'll put in a word with your teacher and you can take the test when you return to school," said mom.

Well, looks like the perfect school attendance record I held since the second grade has been destroyed, no thanks to my apparent carelessness in regards to my health. There's no way I can get it back, not unless I can blame someone for me being sick.

OK, I'm not going down that path, not if I want to be the type of person I hate.

Anyway, after practically inhaling my food, I decided to call Clayton and see if he had any news about Milton. The call went like this:

"Me: Any news about Milton?"

"Clayton: Well, not much, as I can't come over and visit him until the next week."

"Me: Oh, that's a pity. At least Barbara's out of the picture for a while."

"Clayton: Oh yeah, about that."

"Me: About what?"

"Clayton: Javier Hernandez came to the hospital as the Holts were about to take Milton home."

"Me: This isn't good."

"Clayton: I know. Anyway, Javier told Milton to stop calling himself Milton and to shape up, or else he won't graduate with the rest of his class."

"Me: Well, that's not fair to him."

"Clayton: No, it's so much worse. Javier told Milton that he needed to stop being such a pushover and stand up for himself. Plus, Javier scolded Mr. and Mrs. Holt for not being the adults and disciplining Barbara when she first started beating up Milton. He warned them that the next time it happened, he would take the children away and send the Holts to jail."

"Me: Wow. Javier sure is strict."

"Clayton: Not as strict as the principal's new rule about not being by yourself while on school grounds."

"Me: I bet Javier put him up to it."

"Clayton: Him or Magnus Jackmeade. They're the richest men in this city and they simply don't have time for anyone's stupidity."

"Me: You tell me."

Clayton was about to reply when the phone buzzed. Claire was on the other line; from what it looked like, she needed me right away. Here's how that conversation went:

"Me: Claire, what did you want? And how did you get a hold of my phone number?"

"Claire: Plain and simple: I'm an office aide. Plus, my guardians wanted to know who spilled the beans about my friends being child abusers. It's not a joke, mind you."

"Me: I never said it was."

"Claire: I don't know what you did, but whatever you and your friends did, you've officially been labeled a disturbance in Lochland Middle School."

"Me: That should please Jem, if nothing else will."

"Claire: I'm not kidding, Jed. I know you and Clayton and his friends were up to something when he sent you to talk to me."

"Me: It's the twins."

"Claire: And then we go back to the twins. I don't know what their game is, but we're ending it. Something has to give with those two."

"Me: I've noticed."

By the time I ended both calls promising to see them on Tuesday, I hung up the phone and laid back down. Yet I had an unexpected problem; I couldn't sleep. Not when I wasted an entire day sleeping, that was.

I turned on the TV that Reginald hid in my room and watched a show called "Away in England". The premise was that an American girl named Lydia Morrison moved with her family to England, where she attended Hogwarts with Harry Potter. The show was a hit with the middle school crowd, but many Harry Potter fans were angry because they felt that the show ruined the books. (In fact, the show was a parody of the Harry Potter books.) But many people who watched the show liked it because it cut out so many unnecessary characters and subplots (as well as any mention of witchcraft) and instead promoted the excitement of attending a British boarding school.

I already knew that almost everyone in Lochland Middle School watches the show, and that's not including the teachers whose children watch the show. As such, the few non-TV watchers (including me) often took a lot of crap from those whose parents allowed them to watch TV, but let's not start.

Anyway, in this episode, Lydia, Harry, and Hermione are investigating what was going on inside the school walls after another student claimed to see something strange slithering about the halls. I don't know about you, but if it were me, I'd be saying, "Screw this shit, I'm outta here!" I don't have time for this weird ass shit!

Then again, I forgot the show was based on "Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets", which no one in my school has read. In fact, most of us had read the first Harry Potter book before the fad followers declared that Harry Potter was "out" and Philip Pullman's "The Subtle Knife" (and "The Golden Compass") was "in". When that happened, almost everyone dropped the Harry Potter books like they were a piece of bad bacon. This was further advanced when the movie "The Emerald Magic" came out in theaters and everyone began reading the books based from the movie.

But enough about that; I'm sure you don't want to hear about random fantasy books. So I'm going to turn the page and we can see the next day.

(One page turn later...)

OK, so it's the next day and what's happening?

Oh, right. It's St. Valentine's Day.

So while all my classmates are hoping to get valentines from their classmates, I'm stuck at home watching daytime talk shows on TV. This is so boring! Plus, why would I want to know how to impress my Valentine's date when I don’t want to date girls in the first place. Also, dating is for adults, not kids!

As I'm watching this crap on TV, I chanced to go online and discovered that the show I was watching last night got some sharp criticism from some Harry Potter fans, who called for the show to be canceled. Don't these kids know what a parody is? Like come on, people! Don't you know that if you can't make fun of your favorite TV shows, books, or movies, you can't call yourself a fan?

Some people are too sensitive for their own good.

As I'm reading the article about the group of kids who want Oystertainment to shut down the show, the phone rings. I pick it up and it's Milton. He tells me he's going stir crazy and he would like it if I came over to keep him company. But I tell him that I'm home sick from school and if he could put Barbara on the phone, I had some words for her.

As soon as I hear Barbara's voice on the other end, I said, "WHAT IN THE BLOODY YOU-KNOW-WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? WHY ARE YOU TREATING MILTON LIKE HE'S A PIECE OF TRASH??? THE NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT, I WON'T HESITATE TO SLAP YOU ACROSS YOUR FACE!! MILTON IS YOUR BROTHER AND YOU WILL RESPECT AND ACCEPT HIM IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!"

Of course, my yelling brought Reginald into the room; he snatches the phone from me and yells into the receiver so loud, I bet old Lulu White could hear him from across the street. (I won't be surprised if she tells the neighbors that Reginald Mason cussed out a girl for being...well...a spoiled brat. But that's none of my business.)

After the call ended, with Reginald promising to "make Barbara's life a living hell if she so much as lay a fingernail on Jed", he turned to me, saying, "I don't know why the hell your friend would put up with such a person like her..."

"It's not like he has a choice," I cut in.

"Well, why can't they just shove her into a mental hospital and be done with it?" Reggie said.

That's what I'm wondering, too. Why can't the Holts send Barbara to a mental hospital? It's evident she needs help with her issues, as Milton doesn't get beat up by Barbara for no reason. Now Barbara's at home and I can't help but wonder if Mr. Holt paid the people at the juvenile detention center to make a false report about Barbara's mental condition in order to get her released from the place, but that's pushing it.

Sad to say, though, if Valentine's Day was bad enough, then tomorrow is so much worse...