I heard an explosion off from somewhere past my feet and a scream from behind.
Nearby, a scream that was filled with shock and horror. And then some off smells wafted through my nose from the wind, infiltrating it and stinging my senses.
I looked up, trying to see what had happened. My vision was hazy and I really couldn’t scrunch to look down without pain lancing through my chest.
But I thought I saw flames.
Huge bursting flames, and a person inside them... No... A person of flames, made from them...??? It was confusing… was this a dream? Was this real? Who was it?
I couldn’t really tell, but it all blended together.
In my waking dream of fire people, there was Ryan with them and he was crying for me… Crying out my name.
But my own pain mulled at my body and dulled my senses. Every shallow breath cut into my lungs, and a short soft gurgling in the back of my throat loud enough for even my disillusioned brain to hear, told me I was in trouble, that I just may not make it out alive. My training told me what this was, but my training warred with a broken mind. One filled with dancing stars and seductive dancers made of flame, that licked across my skin.
“Ma’am... Are you awake ma’am?”
I wanted to nod but couldn’t, I wanted to open my eyes, but when I did the world was too bright and the air was filled with ashes and dust that clung to my lashes and cheeks.
“We will lift you onto a stretcher, okay?” A woman’s voice said close by my ear.
I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to say that I understood. But I was choking… Choking on my own breath, the very thing that was supposed to keep me alive, was drowning and killing me.
And then many cold hands and fingers covered by rubber gloves grasped my flesh gently. Grabbing me, their human touch felt so unnerving, so comforting, yet scary. I felt them lift me, I could sense it by the way my hazy world, adjusted, how it felt like for a moment the darkness had taken me and I was flying. But then the pain seared inside me, I gasped, I could feel my own body betray me as it struggled to survive. But it wasn’t enough, I began choking on whatever was killing me, spewing it from my lips.
And then the world went dark.
Seven hours later
My eyelids felt as if they were sealed shut and the moment they unsealed it felt as if someone were doing it for me as if they were out of control. They felt heavy like they were made out of iron, not flesh. Living moving flesh.
I sighed. And realized my chest felt tight.
There was a soft warmth across my hands like a heavy blanket, It took a moment for my brain to adjust from the trauma of there to here. To realize that I was tucked in tightly in a bed, in a room, and from the ceiling, I instantly knew I was in a hospital. I spent enough time in one to know what one looked like immediately.
And I took a deep, labored breath in. And realized it felt weird.
That there was something slightly restricting around my mouth and nose. I peeked down. A mask, I was breathing through a mask; I didn’t think I had ever been on this side of the bed before, a mask helping my body do what it should on its own. It was uncomfortable, and I knew probably not that flattering, I could almost hear Ryan tease me about how nurses are supposed to take care of people in the beds, not use them themselves.
I could hear his laughter while laying in this sunny room with its creamy dingy yellow curtains on either side of my peripheral vision.
“She is coming out of it. Go get the doctor.” I heard someone say. The door opened, and I heard voices talking.
With time seemingly stretching on for ages. And nothing to do but lie still through all the pain. I waited, nothing else to do but to stare up at the lights were off because of all the sunlight from the open windows.
The door opened again and for a split second; I heard a familiar voice.
“I can’t go in there! He was supposed to work and only took it off for her! I was always against this, them being together! I can’t... I Just Can’t Lucas, my baby, my baby!” Jo’s voice wailed.
Then the door closed and a bunch of new faces surrounded me. All in pristine white coats, all impartial to my pain.
“I am Dr. Jia-er Yang.”
“I was your Cardiothoracic surgeon for your VATS thoracoscopy surgery. So. I am just going to be as straight with you as I can. I know there is a lot going on for you right now. So I will be quick and concise. If you have questions speak slowly and at an easy level for you once I am done talking, Alright?”
I nodded.
“Your lung was punctured, and the blood was spilling into your airways causing slight Dyspnea. So we got permission from your secondary emergency contact to go forward with the procedure and fix you all up. Since the surgery went rather well. I would say that you should take it easy and rest for the next six to eight weeks, the two ribs should take roughly about the same time to heal.”
“But I would like to see you back in four weeks just to see how you are holding up. However, we can worry about all that later. For now, we get to be great friends, since I will continue to monitor you for the next week before we let you go. But, yeah, that’s about it. I just want to make sure everything is in ship-shape and that you understand everything. Although I think it shouldn’t be hard, it says on your chart here that you are a nurse in training.” he said cheerfully.
“So yeah... Any questions?”
“Where is Ryan...??? The man I was with.” I whispered, my voice rough, hoarse and slightly labored.
Dr. Yang. Looked at me. And his face became crestfallen all his earlier doctor charm he had slathered on melting away.
“I am so sorry Miss Taylor. I regret to inform you...” He started.
His words blurred through the tears. My brain stopped working, it turned into a frenzy of panic.
‘Gone... Gone...’
Jo’s words from out in the hall blazed like a flame in my mind. ‘He was supposed to work!’
‘Took it off for her!’
‘I was always against them being together!’
My heart stopped as something I thought was a dream popped into my head. A vision of a person walking through fire. Calling my name. Calling out MY name. Their cries were horrible, filled with pain.
And I realized it hadn’t been a dream. That had been Ryan…calling out to me. Calling for me to come and save him. And I had left him there.
I left him there to die.
And he died alone.
All alone.
Screaming out in pain. With no one there to save him.
The tears started; they creased my cheeks in waves. None stop, flowing like rain. I wasn’t aware of how long I was crying, pitifully, regretfully, painfully. But I cried without stopping, and at some point, I had become utterly alone in the room. Alone with my pain.
Alone with my shame.
Alone with my anger.
‘How could I? How did he....’
“What happened?” I knew no one was in the room, but my voice still cracked, bubbling out around the tears that dribbled into my mouth and poured down my shaking body.
“He died saving you. Pulling you from the fire.” Lucas’s voice came from the side of the room. And I lifted my hand and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. He hadn’t told me anything I hadn’t already figured out for myself.
‘I killed Ryan.’
‘He saved me and lost his life in doing so... I killed the love of my life, my other half. The person who completes me. And I felt his absence, like a giant tear in my soul.’
“Dad...” I said.
“I’m so... so... Sorry,” I whispered out.
“I... I... didn’t... I,” I blubbered around the words trying to get them out. Lucas came across and pat me on the shoulder gently without saying another word.
He just let me cry. The solid rock of support I needed tapping me gently while I cried out every emotion of guilt, pain, and sorrow.
“I didn’t mean to kill him,” I said, my voice a croak in the dead silence.
Lucas sighed, gently, an ache of pain that echoed into my own weeping. “You heard that, did you....”
“ Jo...”
“Jo... is hurting. She didn’t mean it. You didn’t...”
“It’s not your fault Mina.”
A nurse opened the door.
“The lady outside says she wants to leave. That she doesn’t want to stay here anymore. She has done more than her part.” The nurse relayed the message awkwardly. As if well aware of how rude her message was.
“Ah, I guess Jo wants to leave... I suppose I should go... you’ll be alright then?” Obligation and concern filled his voice.
I nodded gently.
Lucas let his hand drop and then walked away with his famously slow gait. He was fit and healthy for someone that was sixty-two and his dark brown hair just started to show grays this past year. But today his normally bright blue eyes were dull and empty, the reds of his veins brighter and his eyes were still watery from the countless tears that had been shed, probably in secret.
Because he was other peoples comforting impassable stone. It’s hard sometimes to remember that even support can hurt, yet despite it all, he had remained composed for me. Knowing that I had needed someone who was a rock when I couldn’t be.
And now that rock had moved, had shifted, and the arms of support that had been so freely given before had disappeared, the rock is gone, an empty dirty hallow left behind. Jarring to the world around it.
I was utterly alone with my sorrow and heartbreaking pain.
The sun was just starting to go down. The light crested over the tops of the city outside. Its hues a bright burning orange and red. The sky was awash in its flaming colors and they danced across my vision. A heavy rush of pain like a flood filled the ache in my heart. And from the roaring emptiness that his presence once filled I felt a pang of searing guilt, that without me he would still be alive.
I watched the sun burn bright, Watching it go down was like a finalization on my feelings.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I had been too greedy. And this was my punishment. To have everything I love ripped from me cruelly.
I turned my head from the window as the last streaks of light disappeared behind the multitudes of steel. The buildings that used to twinkle and excite me with their wonder. Now a cage of mirrored glass that reflected back to my own image. Unsightly,
And still alive…
'Why was I still alive without him?'
I closed my eyes to everything.
Facing the world was too hard right now.
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