“Well, Miss Mina Taylor. It has been a pleasure to help you with your recovery.” Nurse Marcus said.
I smiled at him, knowing fully well my smile didn’t reach my hollow eyes.
It had been a rough couple of days, and the five days had gone by slowly. Even more slowly for the lack of any human contact outside of the available nurses and doctors who cycled through on their rounds to check on me.
“You need to come back in three weeks to see Dr. Yang but everything should be alright. Just remember no lifting anything for a while. Nothing, okay, not even pots or pans, it will be hard for the first week or two. You may need help with everything but bathing and dressing, which you should be able to do carefully by yourself.
“Yes, I know,” I mumbled.
I fully knew of how little I could do after this kind of surgery, after all, this had been Ryan’s field of medicine, and until a week ago this man’s job was essentially my own. But I listened to the cookie-cutter explanation, knowing full well law required that no matter the patient, to give it, and have the acknowledgment. So no amount of interruptions could or would make it go faster.
Nurse Marcus finished, and I plastered a thin, exhausted smile on my face. He gave me a courteous nod and turned to leave, then stopped mid-step away from the bed and turned back around.
“Ah, a young man left this note for you on the nurse’s desk.”
I reached out my hand and took it from him slowly. I opened the folded paper and stared at the slightly slanted writing that I knew well.
Dear Mina,
I am sorry to be writing this to you instead of saying it to your face. I fear I am an old man of very little courage, of little determination, and of an extremely broken heart.
Losing my Ryan to the accident was hard, and when we got the call to come to the hospital as your emergency contacts, well, I thanked God that you were still alive at all.
But those seven hours of waiting were so hard... The not knowing if you would make it... If you would come out of the other side of this thing.
And then we got the news of how Ryan had passed from the Police Officers who came to check and see if you were okay.
And Jo...
It devastated Jo.
You have to understand, you have always been like my daughter, since the moment those deep brown eyes looked up at me, large tears pouring from them. My heart was already swept up. I know I am a man of few words. But I hope in all these years you could tell how much I cared for you.
I know with how sweet and kind of girl you are that you will understand the position Jo is coming from. I hate the news I must tell you, but I know you are a strong girl and can bear it. Jo... She can’t handle the pain right now, she wants everything preserved. His memory... Because of this Ryan’s apartment might be hard to return to.
All the things there... Well, I suspect you know better than I how much that place holds of him.
Well, I left a key with this note at the nurse’s station. On the back of it is an address, and I sent along your small bit of things in advance. I hope you will be okay; I know you need people more than ever right now and I am sorry it can’t be us, but I know that there are others who will happily reach out to you in our stead.
The little I could manage I did, I know it is not much. However, you can use the house for as long as you need; it is close enough to familiar things for you without being your place.
I know now is a time when you need family most. And I know you heard Jo that day and those words hurt you, you are a good girl and know she didn’t mean it.
She doesn’t care about things like blood.
You will always be family.
I am so sorry I cannot help you right now when you are hurting the most. I really wish I could, but I hope you understand I am there, in the heart. If you ever were to really need me, I am not far.
Lucas
I closed the letter and tried to hide the tears; I knew what this was.
This was a brush off. They said that they didn’t want to see me, their son’s killer.
Frankly, I didn’t blame them.
But they were all I had, and I was utterly alone now.
I couldn’t go back to Ryan’s, they had just made that clear. Even going so far as to remove all traces of me from that place.
That place would be painful anyway, a heavy heart-wrenching reminder of our love.
And the Ross’s house was not open to me.
I had spent all my time following Ryan. Following and supporting his dreams.
I had lost what little friends I had during nursing classes. And the other nurses I worked with had invited me out many times. But I had always chosen Ryan.
Now that he was gone, I realized how much I had just let fall to the wayside. How much of my world had really revolved around him.
The answer was clear now.
Everything.
Everything in my world had revolved around him.
I sniffled back the tears that threatened to burst free of my eyes.
“Miss Taylor?...” Marcus’s voice called me softly.
It pulled me out of my memories that swam with Ryan, and his overpowering love he had always given so freely to me.
“Miss Taylor, do you have anyone you can stay with, or who can stay with you? I can’t let you go home alone...
It’s dangerous in your condition; you really can’t do most things for yourself unless you want to risk reopening the wound.”
“No... I have no one.” I whispered, shame coursing through my blood, making my ears red hot tears streamed down my face. I looked down at the floor so he wouldn’t be able to see how much those words had hurt me to say.
My brain rushed, filled with how humiliatingly depressing it was to realize I had been abandoned once again, by everyone in my life. Alone.
“I can’t let you go, not like this... If I do, you could be seriously hurt.” Marcus said, his voice filled with concern.
Yeah, well, I have been discharged, and I don’t have any family. I said flatly.
‘Not anymore, anyway.’
“I know this sounds weird. But I am looking for a roommate and have spare space. Since it’s only for a week, I wouldn’t mind it being you...” he paused looking awkward.
“It’s too weird, Right?... Sorry, I just can’t leave a fellow human being put out, especially when I know they absolutely need someone to care for them. Ah, I hope I am not being too insensitive... I am aren’t I?” He rubbed the back of his neck and I couldn’t help but snicker at his clear lack of social skills.
I sighed.
“I know it sounds strange. But I think I would like to take you up on that offer.” I stalled not wanting to explain and picked at the bedding slowly instead. After a long pause where he didn’t move or say a word, I lowered my head. Obligation to explain why someone my age would be utterly alone in the world, not a friend to care for.
“I was living with my boyfriend...”
“Now that...” I gulped, feeling a lump starting to form in my throat.
“Now that he is gone. His mom doesn’t want anyone in there anymore, doesn’t want it to be touched I suppose and they tried to do right by me, they got me an empty apartment to go to.”
“But...”
“Well...”
“I would be alone, and I don’t have any friends.” I finished lamely.
‘I didn’t want to say it aloud, but I didn’t want to be alone and the fact that I needed someone to help me for the first week after the release was a huge relief. I didn’t particularly want to go to the new apartment either.’
‘Because, because...’
‘It hurt.’
They had been like parents to me since I was little and it felt like they had abandoned me.
Because I had survived.
And that was a depressing thought.
Because ultimately, I wished Ryan hadn’t saved me. He had so much to live for, and now that he had saved me, it turns out I really hadn’t had a single reason to be alive.
And if he hadn’t saved someone so utterly insignificant, well then he would be alive right now.
Wouldn’t he?
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