He looked up again, his gaze brimming with determination although his heart was beating madly and his back was drenched in sweat. "Duan Fang. Would you …" He took another deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "Would you be able to imagine marrying a man even if … he wasn’t quite like the others and there might be things you’d miss out on if you were with him?"
Duan Fang looked at Li Hong, not understanding what he meant. Was he asking him whether he wanted to … marry him? But what could Li Hong be lacking? He parted his lips but still didn’t know what to say. He didn’t dare to keep quiet though. If there was a chance, he couldn’t risk it. "I’m unsure if I understand what Young Master Li is saying."
Li Hong turned to look at the blossoms again, feeling nauseous. Would Duan Fang think lesser of him if he admitted to it? After all the time they had known each other, he couldn’t imagine it. Duan Fang wasn’t that superficial. He still couldn’t help but worry. "I mean if … if there was a man that … although he loved you, he wouldn’t be attracted to you in … a physical way."
Duan Fang blinked his eyes. "Can there be such a thing?"
Li Hong stiffened, making Duan Fang regret his words.
"I … I mean if there was, then … I guess it is enough if he … if he loves me?" He wasn’t sure if he understood what Li Hong meant though. After all, how could one love somebody but not desire them physically? But regardless of what the answer was, hadn’t he decided that he wanted to try? He loved Li Hong. Whatever the other man’s feelings for him were, if he could live at his side, he would be content.
Duan Fang nodded to himself, keeping his gaze trained on Li Hong’s eyes. "If I love him … then I won’t ask for anything from him. Not even his love. But if he loved me back, then all my wishes in this life would be fulfilled."
Li Hong heaved a sigh of relief. He could see that Duan Fang was unsure about what he had meant but, at the very least, he hadn’t outright rejected him and he seemed firm in his decision that love alone would be enough. That was already good. More than that, even. "Duan Fang, if that’s the case, then … do you want to marry me?"
Duan Fang’s heart fluttered and his determined gaze unwittingly softened. He wasn’t daydreaming, was he? "Do you want to marry me?" he asked back, his lips curving into a careful smile. He didn’t dare hope yet. It had taken too long. He couldn’t believe that things would turn out well just like that.
Li Hong nodded. "Very much so. I was just afraid that I might burden you. Marrying me … it might not be as fulfilling as you hope it to be."
Duan Fang lowered his gaze, unable to conceal his happiness any longer. "Even if it was, then wouldn’t that be my problem? You don’t have to worry about it."
"Loving somebody also means worrying about them, isn’t that so? Well, since you don’t mind, then … I’ll come over to your family’s home tomorrow to talk to your father. Would that be acceptable?"
Duan Fang nodded. "Mn. I think he wants to prepare for my wedding fast. If Young Master Li waits any longer, he might give me away to somebody else."
"Don’t worry. I’ll be there."
The two of them fell silent for a spell before Li Hong sighed. "It has gotten late. I should send you back. Do you think I should accompany you?"
Duan Fang’s smiled broadened. It seemed Li Hong was serious about this. "Well, then you’d have to tell my father immediately …"
"I don’t mind. Isn’t it better if he knows sooner? I don’t want to arrive at your family’s house tomorrow only to be told that you were ushered into another man’s home at dawn."
"I doubt that would happen."
"Who knows?" Li Hong motioned to the door. "Let’s go. Even if I don’t talk things through with him today, I can at least inform him about my intentions."
"Alright."
The two of them walked to the carriage side by side, still one step apart as if nothing had changed but both their hearts felt lighter. Li Hong helped Duan Fang into the carriage and they sat next to each other, quietly enjoying each other’s company.
Duan Fang couldn’t help but glance at Li Hong every now and then, his heart thumping every time he did. Ah, to think that the man he loved was willing to marry him … He still couldn’t help but feel that it was too good to be true. Looking at him reassured him a little. If he could, he would have reached out and taken his hand but he was afraid it might be too much. After all, Li Hong had only just asked him and had even insinuated that he wasn’t physically attracted to him. Although Duan Fang didn’t understand yet what exactly that was supposed to mean, it made him feel that touching him might be unwanted.
Li Hong glanced over at Duan Fang from the corner of his eye when he felt his gaze once more, his hands sweating. Was Duan Fang thinking about what he had said before? Was he reconsidering? But he had seemed happy … Li Hong finally couldn’t take it any longer. He turned to him and cleared his throat. "Duan Fang …"
"Yes?" Duan Fang faced him, his lips unwittingly curving into a smile. Even if his body wasn’t desired, having Li Hong’s heart was enough. Wasn’t that what he had always dreamed of?
Seeing Duan Fang’s expression, Li Hong felt stupid. Why was he worrying so much? He was way too insecure about this! He cleared his throat again and then smiled as well. "I saw you glancing over. Is something the matter?"
Duan Fang tightened his lips and his gaze darted around. He didn’t know where to begin. He glanced at Li Hong’s hands again. Whatever it was that Li Hong had meant before, he would be able to live with it. But he should at least make sure, shouldn’t he? "Young Master Li … I don’t want to be insensitive but … can I ask you something?"
"Of course." Li Hong tilted his head, watching Duan Fang’s expression while waiting for him to speak up.
"I just … I’m afraid I don’t understand what exactly you meant before when you said that … you weren’t attracted to me physically. Is it that … you don’t want me to get close?" He paused and then lowered his head again. "Would you like me to keep a distance in the future? Even after we’re married? I mean … I can do that!" He rushed to look up and reassure Li Hong. "If you don’t like it if I touch you, then I won’t. I’ll walk three steps apart from you and make sure you never have to see my body or —"
Li Hong shook his head and gave a wry smile. "You’re thinking too much. Actually …" He reached out, offering Duan Fang his hand. "I don’t mind being close to you. In fact, I like it. If you would sit closer and just hold my hand, I would feel like the happiest man alive."
"Then …" Duan Fang glanced at the hand that was still being offered and hesitantly reached out.
Li Hong smiled, clasping his fingers around Duan Fang’s before he inched closer. "I’m sorry if I confused you. I was in a rush before because I feared you might leave without me ever telling you my feelings and then getting married to another man while I remain alone, wondering each day if things could have been different if I just spoke up. I didn’t make myself clear enough."
Duan Fang nodded slowly. "I see. Then, would you mind explaining now? I … I’d like to understand."
"I don’t know if I can explain in a manner that will make sense to you but I’ll try." He took a deep breath, keeping his gaze trained on Duan Fang’s hand that was tightly held in his to reassure himself. He wouldn’t lose him just because he revealed his innermost thoughts. "Since I was young I would look at others and even though I would sometimes think that a woman was beautiful or that a man was very handsome, I never thought any more than that. When I heard others talk about how they wanted to get married to these people and be intimate with them or wanted to visit … a flower house to take care of their needs, I only ever wondered why.
"I’ve never … desired to do any of these things. With no one. The thought never crossed my mind and the longer that was the case, the more I couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong with me. I was wondering whether I should even get married or not.
"Well, it’s not like I could have refused to do so. My family wouldn’t have allowed that but I still feel that I’ve let my wife down. And I never could have imagined doing that to another person again. Especially not a person I love."
Duan Fang examined his expression, taking in the way his eyes drooped and his smile stiffened. Obviously, he had suffered from these thoughts. No wonder he hadn’t proposed to him. He hadn’t wanted to get married. And now … he changed that conviction for him. Thinking about it like that, he felt sweet. "I don’t mind." Yes, since Li Hong loved him enough to do this there was no reason to mind anything. What he felt or not … How was it important? This man was so good to him, he would need to lack eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart to feel to think that he would be shortchanged in this relationship. Finding a man like Li Hong was his good luck cultivated from prior lifetimes.
Li Hong’s smile brightened and he squeezed Duan Fang’s hands. "It’s nice that you’re saying this but I would understand if you changed your mind in the future. To be honest, since we’re both men I wouldn’t mind if you went out sometimes to … take care of it in another way."
Duan Fang’s eyes widened. Was his husband-to-be telling him to … cheat on him with another person after marriage?
Li Hong sighed at this look. "I know that it isn’t romantic to say this. To be honest, suggesting it hurts. But … I don’t want to be the reason for you to miss out on something and I feel that my lack of interest in these matters might result in that so … I would understand.
"Although I would like it if we could try to work something out first. After all, it’s not like I can’t do it at all. It’s just that I’d likely not take the initiative so you might not feel as comfortable getting intimate with me. I want you to be prepared for that and understand what it will mean for your life with me. Right now, I still haven’t talked to your father. You can still take back your previous words and marry someone else."
Duan Fang shook his head and reached out with his other hand too, clasping Li Hong’s hand. "I won’t. Young Master Li, maybe I’m being too direct but I’ve liked you since long ago. Even if you never touched me, I’d still take that over being with a man I don’t love."
"Mn. Don’t worry. I won’t let you down. We will figure out together how to go about it."
Duan Fang nodded and looked at their hands again. To be honest, he could take it even if Li Hong only shared the bed with him once or twice a year. Sure, he would like it if they were closer than that but he didn’t want to force anything. As long as he didn’t have to keep away from him and could get close to him like this, then everything was alright.
Just holding his hand … might be enough. It still made him feel that he was a special person to Li Hong, that the man he loved wasn’t indifferent to him. In fact, Li Hong opening up to him and admitting how he felt about something he might have never told to anybody else made him feel like he was the most important person to him. Even if he couldn’t fully understand, he could at least be sure that he held a place in his heart.
That, for sure, was enough.
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