there was a day when i was alone

i was three, then

i was sprawled on my mother's lap as she sat in the old rocking chair by the window,

the joints creaking and groaning as she gently rocked back and forth

"when will you put me in bed, mama?" i asked innocently, and she replied "when you fall asleep, baby,"

i closed my eyes, the cheshire's grin upon my face, and i said, "i'm asleep, mama. will you put me to bed now?"

"no, baby," she said and then stars danced behind my lids and

i fell asleep, tumbling through dreams in a deep, dark, tunnel beneath a moonless wood, and i saw geese in suits and parasols and rabbits with pocket watches and a woman made of blue butterflies and i plummeted faster and farther and

then i woke up.

sparrows chirped and chipmunks chittered gaily beyond my window and i wondered, "what are they singing about?"

and i pondered this for a good moment and then decided to open my eyes

so i opened my eyes and waddled outside half asleep, my favorite stuffed panda catching dust behind me

"mama? daddy? achi? where are you?" i called out in an empty room.

i heard no answer, and i panicked

my heart pounded and my head spun as it hit that i was alone, in the house, with no one there to help me, and i

cried

and i broke down on the ground, sniffing and sobbing all over the freshly mopped floors

my chest heaved and my shoulders shook, and big, fat, tears streamed down my cheeks

and i thought for sure, for sure, that i had been forgotten, they'd all left me because no one wanted me, because i was just some snotty, bratty toddler who did nothing but cry,

and i bawled even louder, breaking down into a stage 4 ugly sob:

eyes red and swollen like a red balloon,

cheeks stained with acid tears,

snot running down my nose and my chin and sticking to my hair and my fingers,

hair in such shambles i looked like a bruha

and then i thought, "don't i always want to be alone anyways?" and abruptly stopped wailing and screaming to wipe my face and find something to eat.

and then at that moment the door opened

and lola was there, sunlight shining all around her all bright and sparkly as if she was a saint in stained glass

"where have you been?" she said, holding out her hand.

"come."

and i went.