I stare at the comments.

"Dragon is the weakest link in Wish. He needs to go."

"Na Chulmin raps like my grandmother after she's done drugs."

"Does Dragon actually help produce songs? Doesn't seem like he contributes anything to this group."

“Why do they keep someone like him in the group? He looks too scary.”

Slamming the laptop closed, I spin in my chair, trying to control my raging emotions. Who are they to talk about me? They don't know my life. They don't know a damn thing. My throat works as I can feel the beginning of a panic attack. Standing abruptly, I hardly acknowledge how my chair slams into my desk, knocking over the pens and paper. I need to get out. I need to leave. I grab my coat and rush out of my room. Fresh air will do me good. I'm buttoning the coat over my shirt by the time I reach the front door. Kang's outside, sitting on the steps to the dorm. I pause, wondering if I should sneak back inside or see what he's doing.

He turns and I can see that his bottom lip is red from him continuously biting on it.

"Hey," I call out. "What's up?"

He rubs his hands nervously on his pants and shakes his head. "I'm just getting air." I hop down three steps and sit next to him.

"Lies," I whisper, putting on my brave face. Right now he needs me more than I need my mental breakdown. I can feel the slight panic edging away. "Tell your big brother what's wrong."

"I hate being away from Morgan. We finally admit our feelings and we're ripped away from each other. I'm scared."

“Are you dating him?” When Kang whispers a tiny yes, I lay my chin on the palm of my hand, elbow resting on my leg. "Then what are you so scared of?"

"That he might think that liking me is a mistake. That I'm not what he's imagined."

Ah. I nod. "You're insecure."

"Maybe," he whispers. “I don’t want to get his hopes up. Dating an idol isn’t pretty.”

"With us, Kang, we don't get the chance to date. That's why we swore we wouldn't until after we retire from being an idol. None of us could predict what would happen in the future. You drew the lucky stick, though. You found someone who is willing to try to be with you. What person can say they had someone travel thousands of miles to see them? Before you count Morgan out, maybe you should wait and see what happens."

He sighs loudly and leans back on his hands. "Why is it when I always feel lost wandering in my thoughts, you're here to save me?"

I nudge his shoulder and give him a grin. "Because I'm the level headed one."

"Oh really?"

"Are you saying I'm not?" I challenge with a tease.

Kang lays his head on my shoulder. "How's everything with you?"

Me? Can I hide away? I don’t think Kang will appreciate that comment though. Talking to my friends is always harder than telling my story in my lyrics. It allows me to express myself. Even if I can’t save myself from my thoughts, I want to try and save someone else.

"I'm fine. I'm just glad that we can actually breathe for a moment." I drop my arms and stare at the people who are walking past. It seems so late but Seoul is always busy. A city that never sleeps, a city that never lets me rest.

"I heard your parents called."

My heart drops at the words. My parents are finally supporting me. How many times have they told me I wouldn't make it and that choosing music over something practical would ruin my life? I made them proud, yet I don’t feel proud of what I've accomplished. Not yet at least. I can feel myself spiraling back down, so I try to change the subject.

"If you want," I begin slowly, "maybe one day we can run away and go back to America. Hide out with Morgan and just forget being idols."

Kang jerks upright and looks at me with hopeful eyes. "Can we?"

"Has anyone been able to tell us no? I mean, we still have to do the major stuff, but once we get that out of the way, maybe that can be an option."

A breathtaking grin blooms on Kang's face and he nods. "Deal." His arms wrap around my neck squeezing me tightly.

"I love you, Chulmin. You're honestly amazing."

"If Morgan hears this he might think you're cheating on him."

He leans back and smacks me on the arm. "You're not funny."

I scoff, "Yeah I am. I get told that every day."

"By who?"

"The comment section," I lie.

Kang rolls his eyes. "You don't read stuff like that. It's all lies."

"Wow. I'm hurt." I rub my chest. "Are you telling me our fans lie?"

"You're amazing, and between us, right now you're my favorite," he replies, dodging my question.

I grin. "I'm so telling the others."

Kang stands up and stretches. "I'll deny it," he warns. "Are you coming inside?"

Shaking my head I look at the sky. "I might stay out here for a bit. It feels nice."

He rubs my head affectionately and makes his way back inside. I lose my grin and lay my head on my knees. At least he is happy. I can handle myself being a mess, but one of my members? One of my brothers? That tears me up.

I sit outside staring at the sky for what feels like hours, my mind constantly going. Maybe I can work on my music tonight. It always seems to help lighten the mood. I push myself up and slowly make my way back up the stairs to my studio. The house is completely quiet and I wonder who exactly is left awake. I brush my hand over Sunshine's door. He keeps me afloat when I am at my worst. I drop my hand and shake my head. He doesn't need to hear about my problems. None of them do.

Our group motto is to always speak what's on our chest, but I have the hardest time with it. Opening the door to my studio, I stare at the different instruments that lay around.

"Hey," Jun whispers behind me.

Turning, I give him a confused look. "What are you doing up?"

"I'm on a mission."

"What mission?" I ask as a familiar look appears on his face.

Jun holds up a permanent marker and grins. "Wanna do some art?"

I chuckle. "On whose face!?"

He shrugs. "Everyone who is asleep. I would have done DaeDae's but he woke up and threatened to break my camera."

Of course he did. The camera was Jun's most precious item. No one touched the camera. I snatch the marker out of his hand.

"Bullying the members isn't a healthy thing."

"So are you saying no?" he asks seriously.

"Since when do I follow my own advice?" I wave the marker, pushing past him. "Is Hajoon awake?"

Jun giggles before he covers his mouth with both hands. Yanking the top off the marker, I open the door to Hajoon's bedroom. His mouth is wide open and he's sleeping spread eagle on the bed. I can see drool leaking from the edge of his lips.

"Jesus he needs a better sleeping habit," I whisper.

Jun pushes me deeper into the room and I walk around the bedroom to where he's laying. Tapping the pen against my mouth, I contemplate on what to draw on him. Hmm. I lean down and run the pen over his nose softly. Please don't let him wake up. The pen moves to under his eyes and I write "Weirdo" on his forehead. Hajoon makes a noise and his body jerks. Jun and I drop to our stomachs and we wait to see if he wakes up.

Jun motions for me to come where he is and I shake my head. No way in hell. He lifts his head and peers at Hajoon before giving me an okay symbol. We crawl out of the bedroom and I barely have time to close it before Jun breaks out into fits of laughter.

"My turn, my turn." He hops from side to side like a little kid and I hand him the marker. He purses his lips and then makes a noise before shooting towards Sunshine's room.

"If he finds out you did it, you're dead," I warn him before he's slipping into the room. Five minutes pass and then Jun is sneaking out of the room with a satisfied grin.

"Are you good?" I ask.

He nods and makes his way to the kitchen. "Let's celebrate our victory."

"With what?" I ask as I follow him. When he pulls out the juice, I can't help but snort. "Ah, we're getting wild now."

He chugs out of the carton and passes it to me. "Kang drank all the alcohol."

Sounds about right. I chug the juice and hand it back. "This is our last meal. Juice."

"Before we die," he agrees. "We don't do pranks as much anymore. I miss the old days where we would act up and fight over it before we would end up laying against each other and chuckling."

I climb onto the seat and nod. "It was a simpler time, wasn't it?"

"Lately you seem down. Are you okay?"

"I've got a lot on my mind. New songs, new lyrics, trying to sort out what we should do next. My hair." I tug on my black streaks.

He tugs on his red hair. "Maybe I should go blue or green. Seems like a good time to change it. You know, you can always talk to us about these things. We can help. I can help." He sounds so small as he stares at the table. His fingers are clenched together.

"Jun," I say softly. "You'll be the first one I come to." I lean over and ruffle his hair. "Until then, it's late and you should get some sleep."

He sighs loudly. "Okay. Can I crash in your bed? I'm scared I'll wake up with an angry mob around me."

"Sure."

He beams at me before taking off for my bedroom. "Just let me know if you're going to sleep in the same bed because-"

"You cuddle," I supply. "We all know. Trust me."

I hear the door shut and I sigh. Swirling the juice around, I leave it on the counter and hop off the chair. I doubt sleep will come for me tonight. I begin making my way back to the studio.

(***)

My pants vibrate and I frown as I pull the phone from my pocket. Who is calling at nearly midnight?

"Hello?"

"Chulmin." My dad's drunken voice echoes over speaker phone. "Everyone! It's my son Chulmin!"

A crowd of cheers goes up. He has to be kidding me. "Are you drinking again?!"

"We're celebrating. I was showing them your concert. You looked so awesome," he slurs. "I can't believe you pulled it off. After all the times you gave your music away just so someone could hear your songs, then they end up stealing your ideas. You even nearly killed yourself just to join this...boy group. I mean, son, don't get me wrong, that's cool, but really? Your outfits need to change a bit. I think they fit more for women or for those boys who like men. Which reminds me. I think one of your members might be-"

My jaw clenches. "Where's your phone? Whose phone are you calling from?"

Dad snorts. "Are you worried about your dear Dad? You never seemed to give a damn about me when I was telling you to quit this damn music stuff. You could be better. Maybe if you would have become a doctor you would be married with three kids by now. Do you listen to me?! No! You dance for girls and sing about self love and positive messages. A bunch of bullshit if you ask me."

"Seriously?" My voice grows hard.

"I'm fine. It's a friend's. When are you coming home? We can get the city together and celebrate your return. My famous son is back!"

Closing my eyes tightly, I rub the bridge of my nose. "I don't know when I'm coming home. Where's Mom?"

"She's probably home cooking or cleaning. You know how she is. I told her I'd be home at ten."

"It's midnight."

"Well, aren't you the time police. Get off my back. I can go home anytime I want. You know, your attitude has gone to hell since you've been hanging with those boys. Speaking of which. I need more money. We’re running out of stuff around the house and I told your mother that you would send a couple thousand to help us. I mean, that’s why you’re doing all of this right? You’re working to support your family."

“Him and this damn money,” I sigh to myself loudly.

I clench my teeth and hold the phone away as he starts to rant. Swallowing hard, the urge to throw the phone is nearly overwhelming. I’ve worked to make them proud but in truth I made him spoiled and cruel.

Putting the phone to my mouth, I speak over his rants. "I have to go. Speak to you later." I hang the phone up and clench it tightly, hoping to break it. Throwing it onto the table, I drop into the chair as I switch my computer on. The comments stare back at me and I quickly close the tab. Resting my fingers on the keyboard, I begin to play a simple melody that's been circling my head the past couple of days. I mess up a key halfway through and I slam my hands on the keyboard, not caring if the loud distorted sounds wake anyone up. Tears drip onto the keys as I press my fist against my lips to keep the sobs in.

"You're not a failure," I whisper. "You've worked your ass of Na Chulmin. You deserve this."

My chin begins to tremble and I can't stop the aching sobs that escape my chest. I stand up and push my chair with my foot, sending it crashing into the guitars. Unhooking the computer, I toss it onto the couch. It bounces once then crashes to the floor. I drop onto my haunches, pulling on my hair.

"Suck it up," I growl at myself through the sobs. "You can't fall apart."

But I've been falling apart. I’m just now hitting the bottom. Dropping onto my butt, I stare at my fingers as they shake. Should I even make music anymore? Should I even care? I can feel my body going sideways as my head hits the ground and I'm staring at the side of the couch.

"Just five things," I whisper in a haze. Five things my therapist used to say. Find five things and focus on them. Pulling my legs up to my chest, I bite my lip as I try to concentrate. Five…

You'll never be good enough.

"Five."

You're acting like this because you got famous.

"I can't."

Do you honestly think anyone gives a damn about you? I taste the blood as my teeth saw into my lip. You're nothing.

"I'm not alone."

Do you really believe that? Once they leave, you'll be left alone. Your friends are never going to be with you forever. I bury my face into my arm and scream all my frustration into it. My phone dings and I lift myself up. Wiping my face, I crawl to where it is and pull it towards me.

Jun's smiling face is staring at me as he lies in my bed. "I'm safe whenever I'm with you. Never leave."

Tears fall harder and I shudder out a breath. "I won't leave." My voice cracks. Is it more of a promise to him or to myself? "I won't."

Closing my eyes, I press the heels of my hands to them and try to regain control of my emotions. It feels like forever before I'm able to lift my head and stare at the mess I've made.

I wipe my face and begin to tidy the room. Plugging my laptop back in, running a hand over it. Don't be broken. This has everything on it. I shuffle to the door and quietly open it. My feet take me to my bedroom and I push Jun over to crawl in. He turns to face me, still completely asleep as he cuddles up against my right side. His face nuzzles into my shoulder and I can hear his lips smacking.

Turning onto my side away from him, I can feel his head press against my back, his arms and legs wrapping around me tightly.

"You're safe," I whisper, patting his hand. "I'll always protect you and the others."

Jun mumbles something and I can't stop the tiny smile. Even when I'm drowning in my own sorrows, they manage to pull me back.