You got a crush? I bet you do, and if you don't, good for you...? :-

Sometimes you don't actually have a crush on them, you just like spending time with them because they help cure your depression.

Which is exactly more of a reason to keep them and sometimes, you will get jealous, I will tell you that.

Like me and my partner, I don't like lovey-dovey stuff and I don't like physical contact. It makes me uncomfortable, but I will comply, I do get jealous.

I didn't want anyone else to take them, so I took them first and now nobody can take them nyeheheheh >:-3

But I've been so brutally tortured, to my understanding, that it changed me so much that I lost most of my emotions and so I don't know what it is like to really love. Because how I understand is that if a loved one dies, those emotions of sadness might linger for a while, but we eventually lose them and forget it even happened.

So, like some random person was murdered. I don't really feel sympathetic, I'm just: megh

Like most things don't really matter to me and I am just not interested. I don't feel much emotion, but maybe it is just because of the 'loneliness' I feel that is just the lingering feelings of the past torture and pain.

And it is like because I can't acknowledge those feelings that it holds back my other emotions.

I might just be faking all my other emotions to be able to fit it or maybe this is all just how I actually express my feelings, or maybe me faking my emotions is how I understand humanity, so I just copy everyone else so I don't seem different. Maybe my anxiety has just been controlling me. Or maybe I have a far worse sickness that effects me, but nobody knows.

Maybe I am just a mass waste of oxygen and space, anxiety, unknown sicknesses, and fake emotions.

I don't know, but I can understand other things so deeply, yet I can't understand myself. How does this work?

Maybe by helping other people I am not actually helping myself, maybe I am just trying so frantically to help everyone else to further more hide my cowardly self and bury my lingering, painful past by absorbing everyone else's happiness that I am always trying to give to them.

My life is a constant mess. Maybe I do things that aren't normal without knowing, maybe my whole existence isn't normal and I just feed off of other people's happiness and emotions.

Maybe I actually do need help.

Maybe by regretting the past it is keeping me from moving forward, or maybe i'm moving forward so fast that it is just giving the lingering emotions more to feed off of.

Maybe I am not helping anyone and just giving them fake advice that doesn't help anything, maybe I am just an inconvenience to all of existence.

Maybe if I seek help there is nothing they can do.

Maybe I am just in an endless mental break down that is slowly destroying all traces of emotion and feeling.

Or maybe i'm just overreacting or maybe I am just craving for attention.

Or maybe I have some value.

Or maybe everyone tells me that they love me and that I shouldn't think this way because they are also just also feeding off my emotions.

And everyone says to stop thinking that way, but what if it's the only way I have of thinking?

And everyone says that I just need help, or I need to calm down, or I need to just push through it, but I can't!

I can't. I can barely even live everyday without these thoughts.

And people say you just need to talk it out, but it is uncomfortable and they are just holding all your secrets and problems in their mind and maybe I'm just paranoid or maybe I do need some serious help, but I just don't know.

That doesn't make me stupid or an inconvenience, does it?

But I don't want your sympathy, because it doesn't help. Sorry never done nothing and it never will.

I will always end up thinking this way and I will never really get help.

And maybe everyone does think I am an inconvenience and is just faking everything to actually prey on my emotions, and maybe somebody is sending a Mobile Crisis call right now because they need help, or I need help, or somebody needs help.

But does it ever really get better, do these thoughts and emotions ever really stop or do they just numb the pain so that it seems like everything is okay?

And maybe depressing memes really do help people, but does it all matter?

We will all die in the end and the cruelty, and the judgement, and the pain in this world will never stop.

What will we do? Just kill all the cruel and injustice people of the world?

No, we won't because that is just 'life', like everyone says. And bullsh!t like that happens and everyone can't be perfect. But the people who are the farthest from perfect are the ones who are bullied and tortured for it. And then they turn out like this, questioning their very existence everyday, wondering if when they wake up in the morning will it be the end of their stay on this cruel Earth. Some might not even sleep.

Most people that need help are probably the result of other people trying to make themselves feel better and of more value and worth than others by torturing them, and making them feel worse about themselves, and question their everyday existence and feel weak, but that is only because they don't want to fight back.

Most likely because they don't want to hurt people like you have hurt them, and some take their lives because of cruel people like that.

Now think, if you were a bully that was bullying another person.

You threatened them or whatever or something, and they didn't show up to school or wherever they usually are.

Then imagine somebody informing you that they took their own life because of what you did to them.

You practically just killed someone with mental abuse.

That is exactly why teenagers, children, and young adults of today's world are taking their lives, and so many of them too.

And people say, that if you were able too overcome that will to no longer live, then you are strong. And, yeah, maybe you are, but that just means that you have been tortured harder than the others and that you are just hurting more.

And maybe that means that you trained yourself to seem fine and 'be fine' when you really aren't, but you just numb the pain with faking your emotions to 'blend in with the crowd', but maybe we only do that to cover how much pain we are really in, maybe all the things and people reading this right now are all also just results of others' cruelty and pain.

And maybe I shouldn't have written this, but maybe, just maybe we are all the reason that there is even beauty or monstrosity in this world.

Or maybe we all just live in a world of falseness and every single moment has been intricately planned and predicted for all of us to become what we are today, and maybe that is good, but that is just 'life'.