Back in May this year I wrote about how I was about to finally have my first meetings about my physical and mental pain. And I can now say in December I currently feel okay.

I told you before I felt low and just generally sad. I had to change this.

So I slogged my way through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and quite quickly began to see how I was being a dick to myself. And by being a dick to myself I was also a dick to all those I cared about.

About a month into therapy I had a capability hearing at work. It may sound like something that could have knocked me down again but it did the opposite. I knew that I hadn't been up to standard but my boss had also noticed the improvement since I had started therapy too. It made me see that though I was not up to standard neither were they. I never had any training or supervision, no one had even mentioned there was a problem with my work before then and I had told them a few times I was struggling but got no help. They didn't even do the hearing right. In other words it wasn't all me.

This was when I began to get angry.

I was angry and it felt wonderful because it meant I cared. It meant that I had the energy to do things and to fight back the inner voice. It meant I could stand up to those who tried to use me. I wasn't stable yet but I was getting there.

As I was going through this emotional transformation I was also beginning to feel a little better physically.

The specialist couldn't help me but when I was referred back to the doctor I at least had a vaguely treatable diagnosis. I have Fibro Myalgia. It's something that won't go away but you can use certain medications to reduce symptoms. It took crying in front of Doctor's again but my slow acting medication began to relieve the aches so that I could think straight.

Once the anger and pain passed my work and social life improved. I helped out more at home and even started meeting up with friends more. I felt like I was approaching what normal was for me before.

In August I was discharged from my therapy. I can and will always go back if I need it but for now I seem to have got it working for me.

I still ache and have bad days where I don't want to get out of bed. I still doubt myself at times and have to fight telephone avoidance. But i'm okay for real. I am content. And to be honest that's what i'm aiming for. Being Happy is fun in short bursts but way too much effort in the long run.

The best advice my therapist gave me is that you have to accept what you feel before you can move on from it. I will be angry, ecstatic, anxious, irritable, pained, hysterical and experience many other emotions in my life but I won't let them own me like they did earlier this year. I won't let my pain own me either. 

That's how i'll keep being okay.