I saw Kawashita’s eyes widened before he wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing our bodies closer. My knees almost buckled when his tongue traced my lips, begging for entrance. I gave in. I lost all my inhibition and got swept with it. It had been so long since I had been kissed like this. It tasted so sweet and warm. It was intoxicating. I held on to him like I was drowning, and his kiss was the lifeline.

The next thing I knew, we were in a dingy hotel room with our coats on the floor. I was tugging Kawashita’s white sweatshirt and his undershirt while he was pressing me against the door. Our lips were swollen, and our hands were all over each other. I could feel his heart pounding as I pressed my hand against his chest as we kissed again.

“Let’s get to bed,” he whispered, taking my shirt off, his cold hands grazing my hips.

I lay down on the bed without hesitation as he left a trail of wet kisses to my jaw, down to my neck, sucking it. I arched back and shivered, moaning. “Oh, god.”

“Want to try to something new, senpai?” Kawashita asked as he straddled me.

“What is it? Something dangerous?” I eyed him, appreciating his slightly toned arms.

He pulled out a familiar red ribbon from his back pocket and grinned. “Just a little bondage.”

He then dipped down his head and kissed me on the lips before he planted another soft kiss below my bra then to my stomach, going back up to my neck. My mouth went dry. I swallowed. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to do it. It’s a onetime thing anyway.”

“Onetime thing?” Kawashita got off me, frowning.

Sitting up, I got conscious of being in my old bra but seeing the red spots that covered my upper body cleared my head a little. This was really happening. I would have freaked out if Kawashita hadn’t repeated his question. I shrugged, glancing left and right. “Well, yeah, this is a one-night stand, right?”

His brow furrowing deepened. “You kissed me because you wanted to have sex with me just tonight?”

“I didn’t exactly agree to be your “friend” with benefits.” I crossed my arms over my chest, the tension in the air transforming to a tight one.

“That’s not what I was offering.” He clenched his jaw and placed his feet on the floor.

“You don’t want it to be a onetime and you don’t want to commit. Where does that leave us?”

“An exclusive relationship,” he said as he rested his hand near my thigh, his expression lightening.

“Isn’t that the same?” I sneered. “You just prettied it up.”

“You’re saying you don’t want it?” Kawashita’s face remained blank. “Why don’t you just be honest?”

“Are you calling me a liar?” I glared at him.

“No.” He sighed. “You yourself don’t want a commitment. Don’t we want the same thing? If you want me to be faithful, I will be. If you don’t want me to be clingy, I won’t be. If you want to be alone, I’ll let you be.” He scooted closer until we were face to face. “What I’m saying is Matsumoto-senpai, I’ll even become your boyfriend in appearance if that’s what you prefer. It’s just we won’t be demanding anything other than sex from each other.”

I stayed silent as I digested his words, staring at his steady eyes. Kawashita was offering me what I want—companionship—that was free of the usual expectations and obligations. I believed what I had with Jun-senpai was the perfect relationship I could have with someone else because he was easy to be with until he proposed. I was lonely but I was sure I didn’t want to marry.

“Why me though?” I asked.

Hunching, he looked away. “Because I was curious.” He paused. “Because I know you wouldn’t fall in love with me.” Then he glanced back at me. “You wouldn’t, won’t you?”

“What does love feel like?” I held his gaze, a layer of my wall peeling away. “Is it being in pain forever when they’re gone? I’d never want to be in that hell again.”

Kawashita’s eyes widened but other than that, his expression remained passive. He didn’t comment. He didn’t hold me. He just waited. Watching him, for some reason, I felt a little sad knowing he wouldn’t fall in love with me. I closed my eyes and willed myself to stop thinking.

“Can I kiss you again?” he asked after a minute.

I gasped before a sudden laughter erupted from me, a warm fluttery feeling settling in my belly, relieved at his reaction. He didn’t need any explanation, and he still wanted me. I touched his naked shoulder and then cupped the back of his neck. “Come here.”

He leaned in, and our lips touched. The slowness of it was excruciating. I pushed harder, controlling the pace, our desires rising. I felt the clasp of my bra came undone. Kawashita removed it without stopping the kiss and laid me back on the bed. Our bare top touched each other’s, and my heart soared until it plummeted back down again when he spoke.

“Damn. I wouldn’t be able to stop if we continue any further.” He eased off of me and sat quickly. “I don’t want this to be a onetime, and I’m not sure you’ll want me again if we continue tonight.”

“You’re leaving?” I scowled, getting up as well.

He stood and started fishing for his clothes. “I don’t want to, but I have to.”

“Just like that?” My voice came harsher, my frustration building up.

Putting on his sweatshirt, he came to me and bit his lips before he cupped my face. “Believe me. I want to rip your pants off and have my way with you, but I want a second night and another until we lost count.”