He caused me to show pain. He caused me to reveal what was really going on inside of me and I hated every second of it. He was never supposed to get this close to me, he was never supposed to know anything.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

With him.

Or myself.

I’m going to act as normal as possible this trip but once we get home I don’t know if I wanna be around him anymore. We have been getting too comfortable with each other and it’s not okay.

This is not okay.

I’m not okay.

My body wants him something terrible but my mind knows better than to go near him this way.

Damn it why did he do that to me? After all the times I told him not to do it he did it anyway.

There was a creaking noise that broke me from my thoughts, I opened my eyes to see it was Ashton doing his best to be quiet. I guess he didn’t want to wake me up.

I watched as he closed the door and began getting ready for bed, I couldn’t help but watch it. The light from the moon was coming in through the window and it was all shining on him so I got a perfect view.

He took his shirt off and sat it down on top of his bag, then he took off his pants which left him in only his boxers. Once again he was in the light for me to see.

Ashton’s body was so amazing, I could watch it all day like this. He took a deep breath before walking over to me.

I quickly closed my eyes and pretended that I was asleep. He sat on the edge beside me and gently shook me to wake me up.

“Ari...Do...Do you mind if I still lay here?” His voice was so nice, and it was so innocent. How could I possibly say no to him? I groaned as if he just woke me up.

“What?”

“Is it cool if I lay here with you?” I looked up at his face and melted. Damn it!

“Where else you gonna sleep? Come on.” I moved over so he could have some room to lay down next to me. Once he got in bed he turned his back to me and started to get comfortable.

I guess he didn’t want to make me feel weird or anything. Truth is, I want to feel his body next to mine.

Why do I do this to myself?

Whatever happens is going to be my fault, but right now I don’t care. I need to feel some kind of touch I have to have some type of contact right now.

I moved closer to him and wrapped my arm around him so I could pull him much closer to me.

“Ari..What are you doing?” What am I doing?

“Don’t speak.” I said softly as I began to kiss his neck. This trip is supposed to be a vacation where we all relax so that is exactly what I’m going to do right now. Relax.

I began to run one of my hands up and down his torso feeling how defined he was. I continued to kiss all over his neck as I took my other hand and tangled it in his blonde hair, he was letting out such sweet moans that it was almost impossible to not just fuck him right this second.

Ashton tugged on my shirt hinting that he wanted it off. You don’t have to ask me twice at all, I let go of him and took it off as fast as I could.

I could see Ashton just staring at my body taking it all in because he knew that I didn’t want him touching it. But you know what? Maybe I can make an exception this one time for putting him through that earlier, although he didn’t help much with it but that’s besides the point.

This was big for me so it took me a second to actually do it but I grabbed his hand and brought it to my chest. He looked at me with confusion because he wasn’t sure if this was a test or not. I just nodded and let him roam.

I wanted to close my eyes but I knew if I did it would just be images of the past and I didn’t want to ruin the mood right now. Ashton licked his lips, I could tell he was wanting to do so much more and as much I wanted him to I couldn’t allow it.

This was already too much for me.

“Enough pet.” He pulled off of me and nodded. I grabbed the back of this neck with one hand and with the other I lightly grabbed his dick. “I’m gonna make you scream, okay?” He took a deep breath, bit his lip and nodded at me.

I’m so ready to take my aggression out on him.

When I woke up this morning I almost forgot that Ashton was next to me, for once after we had sex he didn’t have to leave. Although it was me who made him leave but whatever.

He looked so peaceful when he slept, like there was nothing wrong with the world and it was full of happiness. I wish I could look that good when I slept.

I decided it was time to get myself out of bed and take a shower before waking him up. As I was in the hot shower letting the beads of water hit my back I just couldn’t help but let my mind wander.

What do I want with Ashton? Could I potentially give him my love that he wants? There are so many questions that I keep asking myself about all of this and about Ashton.

I mean yes, he is so attractive. Yes, sex with him is amazing. Yes, we both have a past that isn’t go great for either one of us and it has made us who we are today.

But that does not mean anything. That doesn’t change anything.

That doesn’t mean I want someone to touch me, or hold me or even kiss me. Because I don’t, sometimes the urge is there but only for a moment where as all the rest of the time I know what I want and need.

I feel like a broken record with how much I keep repeating myself but I just don’t understand how I’m expected to change so much for someone I still barely know.

I’m a confusing little shit I’ll tell ya.

I decided that I was taking a shower for far too long so I got out and just wrapped a towel around me. When I walked out Ashtons back was to me, he was going through his bags looking for clothes I suppose.

“Hey.” I said to the blonde haired man. When he turned around his jaw fell straight to the floor. I love doing this to him so much.

“Oh man..” Was all that he said to me. His cheeks were going red and I could see him growing down below.

“Do you like what you see Puppe?” Ashton licked his lips and took a deep breath.

“Ari...I love it.” His eyes never left my body not even once. I walked up to him so that we are only a few feet apart from each other, why does he have to be this damn attractive?

“Sweet, sweet Ashton. Why must you look at me that way?” His eyes finally met mine since I walked out of the bathroom.

“I can’t help it Ari, I just...want you..” Oh Jesus this dude has a way with words. Unfortunately for him we don’t have much time together because Jacely has been blowing me up to meet them all outside.

“As much as I want you Ashton, we must reach all of your lovely friends because they won’t stop texting me. If you’re good today I’ll give you a treat later.” He just gave me the saddest puppy dog eyes I have ever seen.

It almost made me wanna give him some loving before we left. I must remain strong though.

“For cock blocking me they are no friends of mine.” He said as he grabbed his clothes and started to get dressed.

Honestly I couldn’t help but to laugh at him, he really is so cute and I do enjoy our time together usually but just as friends. I like what we have going on here and I don’t wanna mess that up at all.