Kiss Me

Part Ten

Aya

He Saturates my thoughts into nothing more than blurry images. He holds me, whispers sweet nothings I thought so very fucking corny, but it worked. Although I wouldn't admit it. I can't, I can't give him what he wants, it would be too cruel and selfish to bring him into my way of life, yet as much as I think of it, I already have.

The sun beams in through the window, warming me and he lays next to me. Sleeping heavily. His breathing is soft. Little snorts he does now and again make me giggle. But all I do is just stare at him. I run a finger over his sun kissed skin and wonder how the fuck he stays such a beautiful color, a color I'm extremely jealous of. I watched his muscles flex then relax, whenever he moved. Which wasn't very often. Once Henley sleeps, he becomes an immovable rock.

"You're so beautiful." I whisper. Moving some of his dark hair away from his face. His eyebrows furrow upon contact, but he doesn't wake up. "I wonder if your dreams are filled with me?" I close my eyes and shake my head. Don't do this to yourself Aya, I thought. You can't make him happy. So I slowly moved from the bed and scooped up my clothes. I need out of here before my heart refuses to leave. Its for the best. I'd tell myself. He deserves better than me. I'm nothing more than a byproduct of an abusive father and a mother who was too weak to get out. I'd only bring him down.

I quickly got dressed and rummaged quietly through his kitchen drawers for a pen and paper. Then I found a picture. A picture of him with a beautiful woman. Who is she? He's smiling, so happily. I hated it. I hated me, too. I gulped and stuffed the picture back in the drawer and proceeded to write down a small note. Until the tears started, fuck, I'm so pathetic. Running away again with only a pathetic note to show for it.

Henley. I'm sorry for not being there when you wake up. I just can't do it. I'm sorry. This time please, please don't come to me. Please don't look for me again. I'm not the person you really want. I'm a sad breed of human who can only cover up my pain with sex. I will just hurt you.

I'm sorry.

With that I left quietly and made my way from his apartment block. I looked back wishing I wasn't as weak as my mother, then maybe I could be honest. With him. Because he deserves that much. "I need to see Z." I grumbled and turned the other way. It's still early, he should be up, although his shift doesn't start until a little later on. Still, I needed to get all my shit off my chest or I'm going to explode.

I slowed my pace as I entered the street Z lives on. I got this. I got it. Well, trying to convince myself seems to be failing, I don't have it. Yet I carried on until I came up to his place and I looked at the window to his apartment. I saw his car parked outside and my stomach flips. I felt sick, yet I had to move. I still feel like utter crap, my head was pounding, but my heart was pounding more. "Aya?" I looked straight ahead as Z appeared from his front door.

My hands fist and I moved towards him. "I...I need to see you," I choked out. "Please."

"Jesus," he whispered, grabbing a hold of me and wrapping that warmth I've come to know, around me. "What's wrong?"

"Everything is wrong."

"Come on, let's go in."

"You were going out?"

"Only for milk, but you like your coffee black sometimes, right?"

"Yeah, I do," You know, I do think too much about stuff. Sometimes I over think. My mother would always tell me that overthinking will cause more problems. You tend to make up your own scenarios and then you end up making the wrong choices. I've made plenty of those. "Z, I've been really stupid lately."

"I noticed. So, what is it?" He said making coffee.

I fiddled with my fingers wondering how to start or where I should start from. "Well," I stuttered. "You remember Thursday night, right?"

"Here," he said passing a cup of coffee and sat opposite me. "I remember."

"I gave a straight guy a lap dance."

"And, nothing unusual there. We've all done it."

I chuckled nervously. "Well, It wasn't so straight forward."

"So you caught the eye of a straight one, am I right?"

"Bingo."

"Aya, what did you do?"

"Well, I kissed him. I know I shouldn't have but there was just something about him, something I'd never felt before and he came back the following day."

"So, you did what?"

I sigh and ran and agitated hand over my neck. "It's pretty damn obvious what happened." I snap.

"No, enlighten me Aya."

"I slept with him. And not for money. I did it because I actually wanted to and now, now he wants what I can't give him."

"Is that why you disappeared yesterday?"

"Yes. I went home with him again."

Z let out a heavy breath and moved to sit next to me. I tried to hold it all in, but I couldn't and I broke down in my hands. "I can't tell you what to do with your life, I can only guide you. Then it's up to you."

"I...I don't know what I'm doing," I sobbed. "I'm losing my way."

"Aya, I don't think you've lost your way. I think you've found it and you don't know what to do with it." Z spoke softly as his arms wrapped around my neck. He kissed my cheek then the water works started all over again. It's like I have a fucking leak in my face. I try not to get upset, but I just can't stop it. It's all got too much.

"Help me," I plead. "Tell me what to do."

"I can't tell you what to do. You need to figure it out on your own."

"But, what if I can't?"

"Stay off work for a bit. I will talk to the manager. You can stay here if you don't want to go back to the share house."

"Will it really be okay? Me staying here?"

"Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't let you stay."

"Thank you."

"Hey, Aya. How does he make you feel?"

I frown, confused. "I don't know."

Z stood up in front of me taking my face in his hands and leans down. "Aya," he whispers, then his soft lips overlap mine, his tongue sneaks in mixing our saliva. He tasted of coffee and mint. "What do you feel now?"

"What?" I was shocked.

"That kiss, how did it make you feel?"

"Erm, weird. Like, wrong, because you're my friend."

He smiles. "Good."

"What?"

He laughs while taking my hand in his. "Now, while I'm out getting some bits, think about that kiss. Then think about the many people you have kissed. Think really hard."

"I don't get it."

"You really are such an airhead at times. I'm saying think about how it made you feel and compare that to how his kiss makes you feel. It's not rocket science you idiot."

I lowered my eyes. "It doesn't matter how I feel. If something won't work, it won't work. End of."

"You know. Life gives you obstacles not just to overcome, but so you grow too. And I've seen you grow in the years I've known you. You're stronger than you think Aya." He let go. I opened my eyes. I watched Z walk away. I wanted to reach out and grab him and tell him, don't leave me alone with my thoughts, please. But I don't and he leaves. You know, loneliness is a feeling so close to death. I cannot say I'm not scared, I'm fucking terrified. I floated through the last couple years like life is rosey and problem free. I never really acted indifferent and just let it flow. I just didn't see past my own ignorant damn nose, I didn't realize that my supposedly carefree lifestyle would come and bite me in the arse, like this is my karma. You know, that unfinished business you just never got around to.

Always, so many unspoken thoughts, the words are there on the tip of my tongue, yet never passed my lips. Sitting in this empty space I stare out the window and watch the world pass by in a haze. How many lonely people are there in the world and how many smile each and everyday? Or, how many are true to themselves? I need to forget. I need to get my life back in order. The way it was before. I didn't need to think about anything, but my dancing and my next easy lay or the money I made each and every night. It's easy, because I didn't have to think. Lethargy steals over me and my eyelids slip shut. I shake myself and scoot back up, but I want nothing more than to just sleep.

I don't get why Henley would give me his heart so easily. I might as well just rip it from his chest with my bare hands and squeeze it until it pops. This is just being a cruel reminder of the person I really am. I thought one day I could really make someone at least proud of me, that finally I had made some right choices, but I always fuck things up, one way or another. I'm terrified to even look at Henley again, he wakes up so many emotions in me that I can't think straight. My logic fucks off with my will to fight for what's really important. And that's what I mean when I say I'm no good for him. He will want those happy memories. I'm a lap dancer. So, bad memories for him. Because I won't give that up, I'm good at it and he will hate it. He'll hate that other guys will touch me. He will hate that their eyes will undress me and then he will start to hate me for it. Then it would have all been for nothing. We would have just wasted our time on something so impossible. It's just how it is and no amount of thinking will change that.