Kiss Me

Part Eleven

Henley

 I sat watching Matt as he swirled his wine in his glass. Then, he opened his mouth as per usual, probably to piss me off more than I already am. "Do you know what I learned yesterday?" He asked, smiling. I shook my head in response dreading what his next words would be. "I learned that someone who's scared of love has Philophobia."

"What?"

"Philophobia," he said again. "Its a real fear. It literally means a fear of love or falling in love, maybe your guy has that."

I ran my hands over my face. "Don't be stupid Matt." I bit at him.

"Am I? Really? It's something to think about. I mean he just up and left you again when he was the one wanting to go home with you and with a stupid scribbled note, who does that? he must have something wrong with him ..."

"Stop!" I snapped. I didn't want to hear anymore. "Just stop, please."

"Tell me I'm wrong."

Obviously I couldn't. "I don't know."

"Of course you don't, because love blinds you. The guy is Apathetic."

"You've been on the dictionary again?"

"Its my new drug, what can I say. Its addictive."

I snort in disgust, because if anyone's being Apathetic, it's Matt at the moment. "I won't be at work for a while."

"Why?"

"I have holiday left so I took it."

"And you're only just telling me?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"Fine, anyway I wanted to let you know I met a guy, a non Apathetic one." I give Matt a small smile and move from the table to get some well earned fresh air. I pull the cigarette packet from my pocket and light one up inhaling deeply then look towards the darkening sky, the soft washes of orange disappearing to leave nothing but dark in its wake. I guess I really do have to give up, even though I told myself I wouldn't. I can't make Aya want me if it's something he doesn't want. I'd just be wasting both our time. "Hey," said Matt joining me. "I wasn't trying to hurt you."

I looked at him. "I know, it doesn't matter anymore anyway," then I look back to the fading sky. "So, who's the new guy?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm more concerned with you bud."

"I'll survive, don't worry so much."

"It's not about just surviving Henley, you need to live too."

I snigger. Live, right. "I'm gonna go see my mom and sister for a bit, I think."

"That would be nice," He said in a sympathetic tone. "Spend some time with family, just call me so I know your okay."

"I'm not leaving for forever you oddball."

"I know, it will just be weird not seeing you moping about. I'll miss that gorgeous face of yours."

"Thanks Matt and I really hope you found the one this time. Your happiness is important too."

"Thank you and look after yourself," he said turning on his heel. "And say hi to your mom for me. See ya."

"What a joker," I grumbled and blew hot air into my cold hands. He's right though, being with family will be good for me. I guess I've not really seen my mom much since Sara, I owe her a call at least and Meg to. I thought grabbing my phone from my pocket and pressed on her number.

"Hey bro," she squealed and I smiled hearing her happy voice.

"Meg, what are you doing?"

"Just eating food, Tara got us a takeaway tonight. What about you?"

"I was with Matt, drinking ...Ouch! Dammit!"

"What? What is it?" Meg’s voice hisses from my phone as it skitters out of my hand, bouncing along the ground, but thankfully landing with the screen facing the evening sky.

"Well, that wasn’t fun," I muttered, pushing myself up from my knees, my movements shuffling and ungainly. I wince as I brush tiny bits of gravel from my jeans. Lurching a little to the left as I straighten, I catch myself on the wall. I totter to where my phone lies in a patch of moonlight. "I tripped over a bloody plant pot," I say, bringing the phone to my ear again. "Who leaves pot plants out on the street?"

She giggles. "God, you’re such a lightweight."

"Am not. I’m just out of practice," I answer a little indignantly.

"This is what happens when you remove yourself from society. Unless you take the vodka on your cornflakes approach to breakups, I suppose."

"I haven’t even had that much to drink." I’m not really drunk. Just a little anaesthetised.

"Where are you?"

"Walking home. I'm going to see mom tomorrow."

"Be careful."

"I'm fine, I'm a man and I'm also on the phone to you."

"Henley, how is talking to you all the way going to stop you from getting abducted?"

"Well, I could take a photo of my attacker, then I’d send it to the police."

"So, you'd record your murder?"

"Don’t be so morbid."

"I can’t help worrying about you." she answers with a sigh, though thankfully, she doesn’t elaborate because we agreed, no more talking about recent heartbreaks or anything. "Meg, I'm fine. I'm almost at my place. So, I will talk to you soon."

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you too." And I hung up. I'm definitely going to my mom's tomorrow.

Kiss Me

I opened the door to my mother's house with the key I'd never part with and yelled, "Mom!? It's your favorite child and I'm hungry."

"Henley, is that you?" she yelled back as I saw her round the hall into the foyer where I was standing. She smiled, jokingly, because she knew my voice. She just liked teasing me. "Henley, you look like hell," she said sheepishly, laughed, then complimented herself. "That was a good one."

"How long have you been waiting to use that?" I pretended to be wounded and placed my hand over my heart. "That hurts, Mom."

"Oh you poor baby. If you visited your mother more, I wouldn't forget what you looked like. Come here," My mom was the picture of graceful aging. She was about five foot five and in great shape. She wore cargo pants and a sweat top covered in dirt. Her tan from her last holiday made her long, wavy, blonde hair seem even more polished. Her blue eyes sparkled as she leaned up to kiss me on the cheek. "I'd hug you but I'm mucky. I've been out back harassing the plants," I wrapped both of my arms around her anyway and picked her up. She protested and hit my shoulders telling me to put her down. "Henley, you'll get dirty. Knock it off," she scolded through her contradicting giggles. I placed a kiss on her head when I put her back on her feet. She was used to this shit head growing up and used to being manhandled by me.

"I just needed to see your face."

"It's been a while, huh?" It's been too long. Mom and Meg were all I had growing up. It didn't matter that Meg was the byproduct of infidelity on my father's part, she was my sister and she understood, like my mom understood and still to this day doesn't give up on Meg. I liked that. "What's wrong?"

"A lot of things. So I'm here for my mom fix." I told her as we walked into the kitchen where she immediately started washing her hands to make me something to eat. I didn't expect her to, but telling her not to was a losing battle.

“Well, I'm glad you did. I've missed you. You're a busy man these days," She opened the fridge, knowing exactly what I was after. She didn't like salami, but it was always there. I wondered how much she threw away when I didn't show up for a few weeks. "Provolone and mustard? You want me to slice a tomato?"

"No tomato. That's fine."

"I just bought one in from the greenhouse. It's no trouble." She looked expectantly at me, proud of her garden and wanting me to eat something she'd harvested.

"Alright, I'll have some tomato." She smiled again. I sat at the kitchen table tapping my fingers, she caught on and then sat with me.

"Here," She said passing me one of the greatest sandwiches you will ever taste. "So, tell me Henley."

I took a bite and hummed a little. "So good." Then swallowed. "Where do I start?"

"The beginning." I sigh.

"I've been stupid mom and no, before you even ask, its not Sara."

"Who is it then? They must be real special for my strong boy to be so glum."

I took another bite of the most delicious meal I've had in a couple days. "I met someone."

"I see," she said raising an inquisitive eyebrow. "So, who is it?"

I gulped. Mom never got angry when Meg came out to her. But I guess she always thought that would be okay, because I'd be the one to give her grandkids, although technically Meg and Tara can do it too. "Well, you won't get mad, will you?"

She mock frowns, then smiles. "Unless you've committed murder, I can never be angry, so out with it."

"I met...a guy," I sat for a few beats, waiting for her tears or angry chuckle or anything remotely like disgust. "It's hard, right?"

"Henley, sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard, you need to really think about the choices you are going to make, because if you don't make the right one you're going to regret it for the rest of your life and you will never be the same for it."

"I know."

"Tell me what happened."

"To be honest mom, I don't even really want to explain myself, it just makes me feel pathetic."

"Did he hurt you?"

"Well, not exactly. I guess I'm hurting myself over the whole situation. Thinking I can miraculously make him mine when it's something he so clearly expressed was impossible. I guess I built my hopes up just to break them down all on my own."

"Well, as I see it, just from how your talking is that maybe, deep down he wants what you want, but he's afraid. Fear is a terrifying emotion Henley. I think maybe you should let him breathe for awhile. As my mother used to tell me, if it's meant to be it will happen."

"Dad was a whole different ball park though."

"Yes, we were never meant to be. But I have you and Meg, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Maybe that's what my mother meant, back then. That you and Meg were meant to be."

"I love you mom."

"I love you too," She whispered, rubbing her fingers over my knuckles. "Your so strong, you and Meg. And, I'm so proud of you," my mother smiles, warming me from the inside out. "I see that you were hesitant with telling me its a guy and you don't need to be. Life is how it is. You love who you want, no matter what anyone else says. It's yours and yours alone."

"Thanks mom."

"Why don't you stay over for the night, Meg is away with Tara until late tomorrow, so I'm lonely." I give her a huge Henley smile and finished the last of my sandwich.

"If I get to eat more of your cooking, I can't say no."

"Good. I'll go sort your old room then you can help with some food."

"Sounds good." And she bounced out of the kitchen. Life, huh ...what's the right choice in life? My head is full of so much shit I can't seem to untangle the mess that's in there. Do I convince him? Do I leave it? I don't fucking know. I keep weighing the pros and cons. More pros than cons, but that one con is a huge one. I know exactly what he's thinking. He thinks if he stays with me, he'd have to give up on what he loves. Obviously I'd be anxious, I think anyone would if their lover was in that kind of industry, yet I wouldn't make him give up on that. That would always be his choice and his choice alone.

So, what the fuck should I do?