I almost want to laugh. I am chained up in a collar and cuffs, my feet are planted to the ground, attached to the pole by the baths, I was about to be publicly raped and possibly slaughtered. But I want to laugh. So goddamn hard. Because here I am, helpless and completely naked, and yet, I am not afraid. Yes, sick to my stomach, and my body aches from multiple wounds, but I have no fear in me. And I know why. I have nothing. Not even clothes on my body. Nothing. I have no family. I have no friends. The love of my life is dead. So why fear? They can rape me, beat me, and do whatever the hell they want to me, I don’t care. Pain is not something I fear. How can I? If I was, I would have been scared my entire life. So, when a man the size of a mature tree with more tattoos than skin walks in, I merely glance at him and look away. It was obviously not the reaction he is used to.

"Big guy, I've seen worse than you."

I say this with seemingly heightened arrogance. He growls at me before grabbing my chains and dragging me out of the hut. I want to ask for some clothes, but it doesn't seem like the best idea. I may not be scared, but I am not an idiot. And I still needed to escape.

Now, it may seem odd. Why would I want to escape if I wasn't scared? Well, I really don't want to die and find Adam waiting for me so he could tell me he is never speaking to me again. I can't have that. I won't risk it. So, I will run to Linove. Then to Haltur. I will find a small village and try to get a job working on a farm. I will work for shelter and food. That is my plan.

Haltur is nice enough. It doesn't really have any claim to fame. It is agricultural land, filled with cattle and other things that smelled "natural." Halturians are a simple people. They eat what they farm and buy just what they need. A truly uncomplicated people. I think I'll like that. Arkine is complex. Filled with everything. Cities, suburbs, trashlands, anything really. It was a magnificent place to find out who you were. There were no shortages of kinds of people. I wasn't so exposed to the variety because of The House rules, but when I was, it was everything. When I got a little older and started acting out, I began to sneak out at night to clubs and parties. I snuck out practically every night. When I realized that girls weren't my thing after an unpleasant night, and I began to mess around quite a bit. A lot. It was easier to get with guys than it was girls, and I took full advantage of that. I didn't love any of the boys, no, it was strictly sexual and nothing more. It was easy finding someone in a home with a bunch of hormonal and curious boys.  Some probably weren't even gay. There, you took what you could get. Sex was just sex. 

I lived my life that way until Adam. He didn't know I liked boys. Though I'm not sure why because it was pretty obvious. He found out a few months after we met. He didn't react. He later told me that when he found out, he went to bed in the best mood. He also told me that he felt better about having me in mind when doing certain things. I shoved him and called him gross. He called me a hypocrite. I didn’t deny it.

Now, I'm being dragged through a village of very belligerent and ominous people. Some stare, others look away. Some adults try to control their curious kids. I feel bad. I am exposing myself to children. To women. To men. To everyone. I'm embarrassed, though. I am not ashamed of my body. It serves me well. Or- it did until it was damaged by war.

After a few minutes of painful walking, I am led up a stage. It was made out of wood and cloth. Beautiful in a harsh way. On top of the platform is what I assume would be the council. Five older men. Each with distinct facial features but the same Kayonese inky hair and dead eyes. However, they have tattoos where an eye mask would go, which only makes their eyes more frightening. They sit on thrones made out of bone and exude more power than I would ever know. They look at me and then at the tree guarding me. They nod. Then I notice Jerodian standing next to a man dressed in strange attire. Not actually that strange- but odd for the Kayonese. He was an older man- though not elderly and is draped in satin gold cloth. He has a gold earring that dangles from his sagging ears and a septum ring that hangs right above his cupid's bow. He has gold paint all over his face, some caught in newly formed wrinkles. His shoes, if he is wearing any, are not visible under the cloth. In his left hand, he holds a golden scepter, just a drop thicker than a sword. It is as tall as him. This isn't Kayon. This isn't the Kayon I was taught about. I've never heard of the Sunblood ritual, and I've never seen anything resembling this kind of man. I begin to wonder if what I have been taught could just be speculation and not based on any real data or experience. The thought frightens me. What if everything is a misunderstanding? But that thought quickly fades as I remember what they did to the other soldiers and what they are about to do to me. They do not deserve my thoughts.

"Golden one, this is the Lord of Kayon. Kneel before him." Jerodian speaks with nothing but a bored tone as if he has been saying this line for centuries. I kneel. It isn't an act of submission. It is an act of survival. I look down for a few seconds then look back up. The Lord stands and clears his throat. His voice is deep and frustratingly slow.

"Auriel, gift from the gods, are you ready for the ceremony?"

Are you shitting me? Am I ready to be raped? What kind of question is that? But I say nothing and just stare at this golden man who claims I am the golden gift from the gods. Comical, really.

"Do you not speak?"

Again, I stay silent.

"Speak." He does not yell this because he doesn't need to. His talking voice is already terrifying.

"I am not." Murmures erupt in the crowd, at the council table.

"Why is that?"

I am playing at something far too dangerous. But I am not scared, and I am feeling the need to be. I need to feel something other than nothing.

I hadn't realized I felt nothing until now. The last time I felt this way was when they told me Adam had died. I just shut down. My emotions hid as to not damage me, but in truth, emotions are not what damages people. It is the lack of them that does as such. Emotions are an armor coating. You see, the more you have, the more protected you will be. However, if you have too much, they will weigh you down. Just as heavy armor would.

But here I am, naked from any protection. When the emotions resurfaced after a few weeks, they came on too strong. I went from being numb to being immobile- paralyzed. Finally, I found a balance again. But now, I feel nothing. It’s sickening.

When I turned seventeen, I realized that I had grown up without love. I had gone to a park to meet up with some guy I found online, and when he didn't show, I sat on a bench for a while. I watched as parents held there children's hands, how they cared for them, protected them. I felt myself building a wall around my soul. And then I saw a little boy having a tantrum about something small. The mother tried scolding him, but he wouldn't shut up. After a minute of trying to console him, she reaches into her purse and gives him a candy bar. The little boy stifles his tears and grabs it out of her hands. She then hugs him and tells him she loves him.

That's when I realized. I knew no one had ever loved me the way a child needs to be loved. No one ever cared for me. No one had ever protected me. And the wall's construction was completed. My soul was surrounded by steel. I stood up from the bench and walked to a local club and drank so much alcohol that I regained consciousness a few days later in some guys apartment. I made up some dumb lie to avoid trouble from The House. I still ended up with double choirs for a year. I think the hangover was punishment enough. But the point was, I was broken. I am broken. I will always be broken.

"I am not a gift from any god. I am an Arkine soldier who lost his way."

The faces the councilmen make cause my insides to stir. Jerodian grits his teeth, but the Lord just smiles.

"Oh, don't be foolish. The gods wouldn't just place you here without context. The war is the perfect time to send a gift. You could have been sent anywhere else. But no, you were sent to us. Kayon accepts the golden gift."

I remember someone telling me that religious people will believe anything written in a book. She told me that sometimes logic isn't everything and that religion causes blindness from reality. She was an atheist, to say the least. I was never anything of the sort. I believed in one true God, but I am not religious. Sometimes I wonder if that makes sense or not. How can I believe in God but not be a part of a religion? I guess I just never felt the need to assign myself to one specific group.

The war, you could say, was about religion, as it always is. Arkine is dripping with cultures and religions. So too was Viv. There are over a million different religions in Finlur. It is chaotic but at the same time, peaceful. But Cronad is a polytheist continent. Here, religion is not about being kind and treating people with compassion. It's about doing what the gods say.

But the point is, I knew that whatever I said would be rationalized to fit in their storyline.

"The gods would not have sent such a lowly gift. I am nothing like what you describe."

"The boy is humble!"

The masses of people who had gathered behind me roar in laughter in response to the Lord.

"You are not to be humble, golden one. You are the picture of perfection. Beauty of a god and body of an assassin. You are everything the gods have promised!"

"I am not."

"Do not step further." I had not meant to, but I had taken a step towards the dais. The crowd has gone silent.

"You have proven to be difficult in belief. No matter. We must begin the ceremonies before light."

I had not been conscious of the fact that a day had passed. It was in the midst of night, and my eyes feel a sudden rush of tiredness. My body slacks from months of wounds and fighting. I have not eaten in days. I need to sleep. And I did- I blackout right there, in front of the entire Kayon.