As a child of a ‘tiger mother,’ a term that Amy Chua popularized with her memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, and a concept of strict Asian parenting, I grew up with high expectations that were placed on me. Of course, when I refer to Asian parents, I am not saying that all Asian parents employ tiger parenting, just that a lot of them do. Although the strict Asian parent is a well-known stereotype, it is one that many others and I know well.
In Asian cultures, values such as family, honor, expectation, and silence are all highly regarded. These values have been brought down from generations and are still used when Asian immigrants came to the western world. The perfect Asian child is the one who obeys their parents and fulfills their parents’ wishes. They become who their parents want them to be, sacrificing their dreams and desires along the way. Sometimes to disastrous consequences…
There is a reason why Asian countries consistently rank among the highest in suicide rates. There is a reason why Japan has a ‘suicide forest,’ which has become one of the world’s most prevalent suicide sites. In Asia, suicide is considered as a way to atone for any dishonorable action or event. Suicide was chosen over disgrace, defeat, shame or capture. This tradition was deeply rooted in Japanese military culture and dates back hundreds of years to the reign of the Japanese samurai who “lived by the Bushido code of loyalty and honor until death… In feudal Japan, much like other Asian cultures, the family was central and paramount to existence thus shame and dishonor (of one individual) affected the whole family. If one noble samurai lord became widely known to have done something shameful, this would have affected the prospects of his whole family. His daughters would not marry well, and his brothers would have to work much harder to achieve any position of influence and power.” A samurai would be willing to accept suicide as they have been instilled with a strong sense of duty by their family who would demand the suicide as a way to not forsake their place in society. Suicide by a rogue family member helped to restore and redeem the family’s honor. This belief is still held strongly in Asian countries as the Republic of Korea and Japan rank among the highest suicide rates in the world according to the World Health Organization.
Asian parents hold onto these values of shame and honor when they immigrate to North America, passing down these values to their children. Thus, when their children reveal their depression, anxiety, low self-esteem or any personal struggles, their parents severely lack the know-how, preferring to brush their children’s struggles under the carpet, hoping that those feelings will go away. Asian children are brought up with the idea that mental illness is a weakness. Something to be ashamed about. Something that doesn’t even exist. Many Asian people don’t believe in depression. They just view it as a sadness that can be cured by being more positive. Many Asian children struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, but they learn to mask their pain by hiding it from family members. Getting help was seen as weak and bringing dishonor to one’s family as it goes against the cultural norms. Thus, Asian children learn to suffer alone, by themselves as they do not want to be rejected and lose their families.
“In Western understanding, internal shame arises when one feels he or she has not lived up to his or her own expectation of the self. However, internal shame in Korea comes when a person has not lived up to the community’s rules and expectations. This internal shame is very prevalent among Asians and Koreans. It functions to build group harmony and unity.” In Asian cultures, shame is used to bring harmony and social order. “Chinese parents readily discuss and disclose children’s transgressions in front of strangers to induce shame and to socialize children to behave properly.” In order to ensure obedience, Asian parents would publicly humiliate, censure and scorn their children.
Mental illness is stigmatized in Asian cultures as a result of shame. It makes the family look bad and affects the professional and personal prospects of an individual. Thus, Asian people learn early on to ‘save face’ by suppressing and hiding their emotions and personal problems, in order to avoid exposure of personal weakness and to maintain familial and social harmony. Feelings of “anger, disappointment, sadness, and issues related to shame such as poor grades, relational difficulties, bankruptcy, sexual issues, and addictions remain hidden in secrecy and shame.” Without an outlet for these emotions, many Asian children may turn to various destructive behaviors and substances in order to meet their emotional needs, such as committing suicide. Within the Asian American community, college-aged students are the most at-risk for death by suicide. At Cornell University, 13 of 21 students (61%) who died from suicide between 1996 and 2006 involved Asian or Asian-American students. At MIT, the suicide rate for Asian American students nearly quadruples the national average.
Crying was also considered a weakness and something shameful. One time, my younger brother took the SAT (a standardized test for college admission in America) a few times already, but struggled to get a high score for the reading comprehension section. As a result, Mother signed him up for another SAT, wanting him to take it again to improve his reading comprehension score, telling him that a low test score in even one section of the SAT will affect his university prospects. As he was exhausted from all the SAT studying and wanted to relax over the summer, he got angry and cried in his room with the door shut. Mother went to his door, heard him cry and chuckled to herself, asking why he was getting so emotional. My older brother got upset at her for laughing and tried to defend him. Of course, it fell on deaf ears as Mother was not one to be swayed.
As a result of being “used to educating children with negative language,” Asian parents “are not good at expressing positive emotions.” They don’t say “I’m proud of you” or “I love you” because they were never heard that from their parents growing up. Thus, it felt unnatural and awkward to say those phrases to their children or even to hear it said to them. A viral clip from a Chinese Anhui TV station showed college students calling their parents to tell them “I love you” for the first time in their life. Instead of being met with a reciprocating “I love you,” the students were met with skepticism and suspicion. Their parents responded with questions like “What is going on?” “Are you drunk?” or “Are you pregnant?” One father replied by saying “I am going to a meeting, so cut the crap.”
Asian people don’t show love through words, but rather they show it through actions. Like making sure that their children have eaten enough food at mealtimes, yelling at them to wear a coat because it’s freezing outside, telling them to wear a seatbelt in the car, working tirelessly to provide for them or “fighting to their deaths in the middle of a restaurant for the right to get the bill.”
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