Looking through my past documents on the USB’s that I had, I came across a journal that I kept during the first several months of my freshman year at the University of Detroit Mercy. I decided to include a few excerpts from that journal here:
September 12, 2012
I have decided to make a journal in order to cope with college life. So here goes: I have been here for about two weeks and have not made a single friend. There is only one person that I have talked, who is more like an acquaintance than a friend. I am beginning to feel that hopeless loneliness that I felt back in high school once again. The kind that makes me contemplate suicide. I know that life is fragile and that I should appreciate it, but it is so fucking difficult to not have any friends – I barely made it through high school. The only things that kept me going were superficial matters: The Hunger Games, music, books, and 1000 Awesome Things. I know that I am the latest and greatest version of my ancestors, but this depression that I am currently experiencing is too fucking overwhelming to ignore. I knew that coming to the University of Detroit Mercy was a bad idea. I really wanted to go to New York University so fucking much – super fucking much! I really feel that I will only be able to thrive and come out of my shell in a mutually supportive environment. I know that I will only be able to use my full potential and show the world my true self if I was at NYU. Being among my kind will really help me to release the phoenix within! It is all my fault that I didn’t get accepted to NYU though. I did not try when I worked on my NYU supplement and I did not sign up for the waitlist right away. I was so fucking stupid. I hate myself for that. For the “Why NYU?” question, I could have written a touching response about the true reasons why I wanted to go to NYU but however I opted for “because of the city.” God, I was stupid! The following was the response that I submitted as part of my NYU application:
It would be an amazing opportunity to attend NYU during my undergraduate years. I have never lived in a big city, so life in the heart of New York City, with its towering skyscrapers and magnificent buildings, would be a life-changing experience for me.
Also, studying with students from all around the world will introduce me to various new cultures as I interact with the diversity of the student body. Having the opportunity to interact with people from various backgrounds, at the school and in the city itself, would broaden my horizons and make me more knowledgeable about the different customs, traditions, and lifestyles. Additionally, I hope to build life-long friendships during my years of study at NYU.
It would be an honor to attend a university whose numerous graduates include Nobel Prize, Academy Award, Grammy, Emmy, and Tony Award winners. This gives me confidence and excitement that an education from NYU will be the foundation for me and my peers to become distinguished, accomplished graduates in our respective careers.
In addition, it is important to me that NYU is home to the renowned Tisch School of the Arts. NYU is portrayed in various mediums, including the dance film: Step Up 3-D. As an admirer of the performing arts, watching my peers perform and practice their respective crafts will further enrich my NYU experience.
I know that New York University will be the perfect place for me to pursue my career path and to receive a unique, enriching education.
My mother said that if I do well at UDM, I could apply somewhere else after two years. So, I’m gonna try my best even though I feel so fucking depressed and lonely. I really wonder if I will make any real friends here at UDM. I know that I am the only person who is holding myself back. But I really cannot be myself here. I know that even if I did come out of the closet (let’s just say at NYU), I will have to continue to practice my social skills because I have gotten so used to being quiet. It would take time – but it would be a huge relief to not have to waste my life away anymore. I’m glad I decided to do this, it is very therapeutic and if I ever do become famous, then this journal will be priceless. Expanding on that topic, my dream job was to be a songwriter-music producer, but then it became being a superstar singer. The only reason why this is the case is because my ultimate goal in life is the inspire people, to be the reason why people never gave up. This goal of mine has solidified with the AMAZING Demi Lovato, whose own goal in life is to inspire others. I feel that being a superstar singer will be the best way to spread and share my beliefs, thoughts, and ideas on humanity, mankind, human nature, and all that philosophical stuff. I have read quotes about everyone having a purpose here on Earth and I really believe my purpose is to change the world and make the world a better, kinder place.
Anyways, I feel that I would be the perfect role model for Asians, shy people, different people, fat people, gay people, etc. It sucks that the American entertainment industry discriminates Asians. Asian people have so much talent and there isn’t a single famous Asian superstar singer in the music industry. As for the acting industry, Asians are only used for roles that involve some sort of martial arts or one that is stupid like the Chinese dude in The Hangover. It is offensive and I would like to be the person who changes this norm.
Another reason why I would like to go to NYU is because I feel that I will be able to find love there, even if it is not true love. I have never dated or been kissed before and it is starting to affect me deeply. As I have learned in my favorite book of all time, The Little Prince, the meaning of life is love, friendship, and beauty. I have none of those and it makes me feel really depressed. The Little Prince is such a fucking amazing book, it really is! It talks about the importance of maintaining childhood innocence, which I totally believe in, and the flaws of the adult world. That book made me think so fucking much – I have not thought about a book as much as The Little Prince – I kept on trying to find the deeper meaning and metaphors – it really was an AMAZING journey, reading that book. Just AMAZING! Pure AMAZING! I have always dreamed of being a superstar singer ever since I was 12 years old. I have always thought that it was impossible until I read The Alchemist which changed my viewpoint on dreams and Personal Legends. But now, I can say that that was a fantasy. My true dream I realize now is to inspire others and I thought that the best way to do that is to become a superstar singer, but I may be wrong. Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Degeneres are great examples of inspirational people who are not superstar singers. I just need to find my niche and hone it to utilize my full potential. Now, I just gotta find that niche! I am writing so much – I know that in the beginning I will write a lot and after probably a few weeks, I will write fewer and fewer. But let’s see where that goes from here. There is so much stuff to talk about like dreams, true love, Disney, etc. Gosh! This will really be time-consuming but I love it. It’s like talking to a friend but by typing in a word document. God, I am such a loser! Whatever, peace!
September 20, 2012
Hello, everyone! Anyways, today was interesting, you could say. Today was Celebrate Spirit Day at UDM, meaning that they have this big mass with this random speaker, the grand opening of the Student Fitness Center, and the Student Organization Fair where all the clubs and Greek stuff have tables and advertise their clubs. I picked up flyers and signed up for Biology club, the Chemistry Club, Pre-Dental Club, and three volunteering clubs. I will probably just go to a volunteering club and the Pre-Dental club. Anyways, waiting in line for the food, I overheard an inspiring conversation between a 26 years old student and a 40 years old guy. He told the student to live out his passion and that money and success will come. He talked about doing a job that you do not like for the rest of your life and it was very daunting. I almost cried. This dental route that I am taking is not something I think that I will like – I just want to be an orthodontist for the money and the relaxation. I also want to help people but that is a terrible reason for being a dentist because orthodontists don’t really help them anyways – they just make your teeth look better, which may seem kind of pathetic tbh. It feels like I am at a crossroads, one road is my dreams and the other is practicality, and I am taking the path to practicality. I am not taking any risks and am playing safe. However, I know that being alive means taking risks – so I am practically dead – which is true due to my loneliness and depression. I feel that in the future, I will do something that I enjoy – not a dentist, but not a superstar singer either as I have a bad voice. I wonder how different my life would be if I lived in NYC or if I went to a public school instead of a private one. Anyways, I hope that I do not live a lie in the future because I am living a great lie atm.
October 1, 2012
Hey. I am currently feeling the hopelessness, misery, loneliness, and depression – the hole in my heart/soul/spirit – once again. I have been in denial for so long and it is starting to affect me. I feel useless and suicidal. I pretend that I am happy when I am hurting on the inside. I want to die to rid myself of this despair that I feel. Having no friends is starting to drive me over the edge of sanity. I really feel that I am tethering on the edge of a cliff about to plunge into the dark world filled with chaos and insanity. I hate this feeling. Hopefully, it will go away soon! Anyways, I have been shy and quiet for so long that I forgot how to carry a conversation. I am used to being shy and quiet for so long. I know that even if I do come out of the closet, like in New York, I will still need a lot of practice to become sociable. Until later!
October 7, 2012
Hey! I am currently at a hotel in Troy, a suburb next to Detroit. I am with my family. I love them for coming to meet me. Anyways, before going back to sleep after eating breakfast, my mom dashed my hope to go to NYU by drilling into my head that it is way too expensive and that every dental school is the same. She then hit the nail on the head by saying that I cannot not make friends at UDM with the hope of going to NYU and making friends there. I was like Fuck, she knows my plan. She is much more intelligent that I give her credit for. She used this Vietnamese saying about if you are standing on one mountain, you cannot dream about another mountain. Practically, it means that you have to make the most of where you are anytime, anywhere. Now that my hopes of going to NYU have been dashed, I will cling on to the hope that I will go to NYC someday and that I will go back to Canada for dental school after a few years here.
November 22, 2012
Hey! So today is my first full day at home and I really missed it. However, I did not miss my mother’s constant nagging about academics. It makes me wanna rip my ears off. The world is so fucking superficial in both of my parents’ eyes, especially my mom. I love them, but I also pity them at the same time. To my mom, academics and getting a good, respectable, well-paying job are the only things that matter. She constantly tells me to bribe my teachers with gifts for them to increase my grades and tells me to make friends so that I can get their previous tests and notes. OMG! WTF! Lately, she asked to me to give my resident advisor some chocolate so that he will pass down his notes and advice to me. Like seriously. WTF! How oblivious can you be? Life is so much more challenging than you will ever know. Also, friendship is supposed to mean someone who you can act like yourself with, not someone who you use to help you in life. That is not friendship, that is cruel. I keep telling my parents that I do not want to be a dentist and they just ignore that remark. They obviously know NOTHING about achieving your dreams. I actually wanna go back to university, even though I hate it, so that I can escape from all this superficiality and terrible advice.
November 26, 2012
Hey! So, during dinner, I thought about how I ruined my chances of being accepted at NYU and still regret it badly.
I could have easily written a touching, powerful response to the Why NYU? question. So, I have decided to re-write it to show how powerful it could have been:
Ever since I was a child, I was shy and quiet. I did not know why I was like this and prayed everyday that I will overcome my fear of shyness. Years pass by and nothing has changed. I am still the quiet and shy boy that I was in my childhood years. However, as I grew up, I gained more knowledge of the world and of life. I began to realize that I am who I am because of society’s standards. I knew that I was different ever since I was young. I liked to watch TV shows that were directed to girls and wanted to play with feminine toys, such as dolls. However, I knew that it was abnormal for a boy to feel this way. I did not want to feel like this; I wanted to feel normal. Thus, I began to form a shell around my true self, putting up a barrier between the outside world and me. I did not want people to see that I was different and became reserved to ensure that no one will be able to know the real me. As I grew older, I began to realize that I felt an attraction towards members of my own sex. I did not think much of it as I felt that it was just a phase. I was aware of homosexuality at this time, but I refused to call myself homosexual. I knew that gay people are ridiculed, bullied, and belittled. I did not want to be like one of them. However, in grade 11, I began to come to terms with the fact that there was no denying that I was gay. At this time, I transferred to another high school, leaving behind friends, to start a new life. However, this life was not want I was expecting. I was still quiet and shy. I hung out by myself, studying the library when my classmates were laughing with one another. I began to experience suicidal thoughts frequently. I wanted my life to end right there. I felt lonely to the point of despair and depression. Home was the only relieve from the social environment I called a prison. I felt like I did not belong. I would cry to myself during lunchtime and when I slept. I missed many high school experiences including prom because of my shyness. I did end up making a few friends at this school, but they were iffy at most.
I want to find a place where I belong, where my differences will be celebrated and not condemned. I have still not come out to anyone yet and this burdens my spirit. I know that NYU is a place of great diversity where people are not afraid to be themselves. At NYU, I will be free. I will be happy. I will be me.
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