Finally, the school year was over and I came home for the summer. Since we never talked about our emotions in my family, I was absolutely terrified of giving them the speech. Whenever my brothers and I did talk about ourselves to our parents, it was about our grades and how well we were doing in school. Being the sheltered, non-confrontational, obedient child that I was, I never had to stand up to people. I was always get extremely nervous whenever I had to go up to someone to tell them that I wanted something. My parents were especially a big hurdle as I’ve constantly been pummeled with insults from them. As such, this speech was a huge step for me as I was going to tell them what I wanted for the first time in my life. Of course, I didn’t tell them right away when I came home from school. I gave it a few days after I came home so that I could mentally prepare myself.
Once the time came to give them the speech, I asked Father, who was working on patient files in the master bedroom, to come down to the kitchen table where Mother was eating a late night meal. I was so nervous. I had the speech printed out and laid out in front of me on the kitchen table.
My voice was shaking as I began to read off the paper, “I do not want to become a dentist. I’m serious. I don’t want to become a dentist -”
Mother immediately shut me down yelling, “What are you blabbering about? You don’t want to be a dentist? That’s stupid! You’re being unrealistic! I will not allow you to throw your life away!” Of course, when Mother yelled at me, I just cowered, lowering my head and eyes, staring at the speech in front of me. I was trying to keep myself calm, holding in my frustrations and anger. I clenched my fist as I tried not to not get emotional.
She mockingly asked, “How do you know that you don’t like dentistry if you’ve never done it yet? You have your parents’ genes. You have my dentist genes and your doctor father’s genes. So it should be easy for you to become a dentist! Why are you not grateful for the opportunity to become a dentist? So many people want to become a dentist, but they don’t have the money or the grades to become one. You have both!” I continued to keep my head down as she reprimanded me.
She asked in a condescending manner, “What do you want to do then if you don’t want to become a dentist?”
“Music producer,” I replied meekly. I was so exhausted trying to keep myself together as thoughts of suicide flashed through my mind.
She laughed, “Get your mind out of the clouds! You know that saying about being on a mountain and wanting to go to another mountain. You cannot keep thinking that the grass is the greener on the other side when things get hard. You have to push yourself.”
Father was silent the entire time, letting Mother speak and opting to look at the speech that I printed out instead. As a last resort, I told them, “I’m depressed and want to kill myself.” I thought that knowing that your child was depressed and wanted to kill himself would change their mind, but I was wrong.
Mother immediately dismissed it, “You’re depressed because of something else, not because of school. You should exercise and get fresh air to stop it.” I couldn’t believe her response and began to break down, tears welling up in my eyes. As I didn’t want to cry in front of them, I ran up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom where I cried my eyes out and stay in there in the dark for about 30 minutes with despair and suicidal thoughts racing through my mind. I wanted to commit suicide in that moment. I was so unhappy and so tired. I thought about running away but I didn’t have any friends to crash at or any money to spend. The next day when both my parents were at work, I called the university counselor, who gave me her number earlier that year in case the speech took a turn for the worst. I was able to talk to her for about an hour and she was able to calm me down.
Mother would go on to talk to family members about me. She wanted other people to reassure her that she was correct and that I was wrong. I would go on to experience a ton of people telling me that I should listen to my parents, that I should continue studying and that I should go to dental school. They would all reiterate the idea that being a dentist will be worth it because “dentists make a lot of money and are highly respected.” They gushed about how people would address me as ‘Doctor.’ I did not give a shit about being called ‘Doctor.’ Studying to become a doctor or a dentist just so that other people will call you doctor is the wrong reason to pursue the career in the first place.
And in regards to money, yes, I do love money, who doesn’t? But to pursue a career at the expense of your mental health and well-being is completely not worth it. Mother told me that I should listen and follow the advice of my elders as they have lived longer than me and knew more about life. I will be going on a bit of a tangent right now to talk about Asian culture’s respect for the elderly. Filial piety is a virtue that is highly regarded in Asian cultures and promotes the idea of duty to one’s parents. There is a Chinese saying, “If you have an elderly person in the family, it’s like you have a treasure in the family.” The elderly is seen to have gifts and wisdom due to their old age. Chinese folklore teaches that children will be punished by their ancestors, such as being struck by lightning, if they disrespect the elderly. Thus, many Asian people believe in the spiritual power held by dead ancestors. However, the idea of filial piety can be manipulated when used as an “excuse for older people to act autocratic, demand unhealthy deference to their authority and make choices based on shaming family members”. This twisted sense of duty to one’s elders “can lead to young people of Chinese, or any ethnic background, stretching themselves too far — giving up their own health and well-being just to adhere to a tradition.”
During that summer, Mother told me about how her elders pushed her and one of her brother to become dentists. And now, both of them make good money, have nice houses and a big family. She said that the family did not push her youngest brother to become a dentist, allowing him to pursue whatever he wanted. He studied business and was not able to find a job. So he decided to go back to school to study information technology, being able to get a job in the IT field after. He does not make much money, lives in his mother’s house and just recently started a family with his partner who doesn’t work, but would spend his money generously. Mother would use this story often throughout the years to reinforce the idea that she knows what is best for me.
When we went to Colorado that summer for a relative’s wedding, Mother had her aunt, a retired therapist, talk to me to try to convince me that becoming a dentist was the right choice for me. That conversation was completely useless as her aunt allowed her two children to pursue whatever they wanted. Her son is a computer engineer who would work really hard for a few months and then, go on months-long vacations. Her daughter became a dentist, but did so because she actually wanted to become one. The daughter had a difficult time studying and the aunt told me how she helped her daughter to study so that she could finish dental school. The aunt told me that since I was able to study quite well, I should take advantage of that and become a dentist as the schoolwork would not be as hard for me as it was for her daughter. That’s another issue. Yes, I am a good studier. I am good at memorizing information and regurgitating it for exams, a skill that I have learned to master as a subject of the flawed education system. However, just because I am good at something does not mean that I like it nor does it mean that I should do it. I hated studying and I hated the sciences with a burning passion.
That summer I had to study for the American Dental Admission Test, which was a true pain in the ass. Mother enrolled me in a Kaplan DAT preparatory course, bought a lot of DAT prep books and hired a tutor to make sure that I passed. I was able to pass the DAT by forcing my mind to study and ended up going back to school for my third and final year of undergrad in the fall of 2014.
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