I have always known that my parents were strict, but I never really questioned why they were strict. It wasn’t until I attended the wedding of one of Mother’s cousins in the summer of 2014 when I was faced with an answer. The bride’s brother gave a speech which included a reason why he believed that his parents were so hard on his sister and him. He believed that it was because his parents came from an unstable, war-torn country and wanted their children to have a safe, stable life. That speech opened my eyes as it gave me an inkling as to why my parents were the way they were. My parents had to live through the Vietnam War, a time of instability and poverty. Coming from a war-ravaged country to Canada, they had to study twice as hard as the average Canadian. They chose jobs that had a good income, a reputable status and were long-lasting with little means of going away anytime soon. What was more stable than a job in the medical field, like becoming a dentist or a doctor?
Philip Guo, Assistant Professor of Cognitive Science at University of California San Diego, wrote an articled titled Understanding and Dealing with Overbearing Asian Parents, which drew from his conversations with Chinese immigrants. He listed three options for dealing with tiger parents: 1) “Rebel furiously and lash out at your parents by doing dangerous shit,” 2) “Try to educate your parents and get them to be 'more American' in their mindset,” and 3) “Try to understand why they feel the way that they do, and then come to accept them for who they are.”
Option 1 (Rebellion) is dangerous as you will only hurt yourself. “By engaging in dangerous activities that could leave permanent physical and psychological scars, you could be throwing away your chance at living a healthy adult life once you grow up and get out of your parents' grips. If you think that you can get your parents to change their ways by simply rebelling, then you will be in for a rude surprise. Your parents will likely blame American society, the media, your friends, and especially you for your rebellious behavior, but they won't ever blame themselves or try to adapt to cater to your needs.”
Option 2 (Reasoning) will fail, though it may be admirable. “Why? Because your parents will never take your words seriously. In traditional Asian culture, age equals wisdom, so since kids are young, then by definition they have little wisdom, and hence their opinions should not be taken seriously… Despite the fact that you know far more about how things work in American society than they do, they will still stand firm by their antiquated 'old-world' Asian views.” This was the option that I tried to use when I told my parents that I didn’t want to become a dentist, but clearly it failed. I tried to change their minds, but they held fast to their beliefs, unwilling to let them go, even with the knowledge that their child wanted to commit suicide. In retrospect, I should have known that reasoning with them would have failed. They were brought up with these Asian values instilled in them. It was all they have ever known. If I tried to change their views and tell them that they were wrong, I would essentially be criticizing the foundations of their lives. I would be telling them that they have been living under false pretense, that they have been living a lie. And of course, no one wants to be told that their life was a lie, rather holding fast to their beliefs, even if it hurts others, than admitting that they were wrong.
Option 3 (Understanding) is the last option left. In the article, Guo stated that Asian parents grew up in a poor third-world country with a poor quality of life after World War II whereas American parents experienced comfort and stability. A lot of Asian countries were devastated by war and led by an oppressive dictator who jailed and killed at his desire. “Even though their day-to-day lives might have been acceptable, they were in constant fear that their government might suddenly be overthrown or that they would lose all their money for some unjust reason. They likely saw people starving on the streets or unfairly thrown into jail. They likely knew people who were well-off one day and then in jail the next, with all of their assets seized.” However, on the other side of the world, America was booming. American parents were “going on dates to drive-in movies, grabbing milkshakes at the local diner, dancing to Elvis music, and had no troubles finding employment in their teens and early twenties, regardless of whether they went to a good college (or any college at all, for that matter). No wonder (American) parents are so chill! No wonder they encourage their kids to go on dates, to have an active social life, and to just go to some college but doesn't matter if it's a top-notch one. Because that's exactly what they did while growing up, and they were still able to earn a decent middle-class living as adults.”
In regards to Asian parents’ obsession with grade and college rankings, there was a huge difference in the quality of life between those who got mediocre grades and those who received top marks that is still prevalent nowadays in Asia. “Due to various historical Asian cultural roots, there is an enormous emphasis on grades, standardized testing, and college reputation (far larger than in America). If you get bad grades in school and low standardized test scores, then you won't get admitted into a good college (nobody cares about your extracurriculars, character references, or personal essays ... it's all based on scores). And if you don't go to a good college, then you simply can't get a job that makes a decent living… Every year, millions of high school seniors across China, Korea, and other Asian countries freak the hell out cramming for and taking the grueling several-days-long college entrance examinations. There are countless panic attacks and at least a dozen suicides each year around exam time.” Those who got mediocre grades went on to work in sweatshops and the fields while those who went to top-ranked colleges lead comfortable lives. In America, there are a number of opportunities to start your own business. Students with poor grades can go on to become wealthy CEO’s, celebrities and hold prominent government positions. These opportunities for personal advancement didn’t and don’t exist in less free countries.
During the Vietnam War, getting good grades was a matter of life and death. Guo recounted the story that a middle-aged Vietnamese man told him. The man said that when the war started, boys would be drafted by the government to be in the army. “The only way to get out of the draft was to get high enough grades and test scores to be admitted into an elite high school (the government wanted to spare the smartest boys from war so that they could instead be groomed to be the scholars and leaders of the next generation).” The Vietnamese man didn’t take school seriously and was a slacker growing up, but he and his youngest brother studied really hard to be admitted to an elite high school. He had four other brother who were sent to war as they did not fare well enough in school. Those four brothers and many of his friends who were not able to do well on the exams died fighting in the war.
In the article, Guo also stated the reason why so many Asian parents want their children to become doctor, lawyer or businessperson. He stated that they are most likely unhappy with their jobs where “Because they are foreigners who are unaccustomed to American culture, they have probably hit a 'glass ceiling' in their workplace where they cannot advance to become leaders in their organization. They are forever subordinates no matter how old they grow. Even worse, their American bosses are likely much younger than they are, which is humiliating for someone coming from an Asian culture where with greater age necessarily comes greater respect… Your parents and their Asian immigrant friends can be laid off on a whim when the US economy dives into recession every 5 or so years; with each round of lay-offs, it becomes harder and harder for them to find their next job, since they are older each time around.” They don’t want their children to have to feel the despair and oppression that they feel at work. They want their children to be their own bosses, in charge of a medical practice, a law firm or a company. They believe that their children will be happy if they don’t have to work under someone. And they believe that the best way for this path is for their children to get high marks, excellent test scores and attend top-ranked schools. It’s the only path that they know of and thus, they enforce this idea on their children.
“They can't see how the liberal arts and humanities could possibly lead to that goal. In fact, back when they were growing up, there was no room for luxuries like the liberal arts and humanities! Since there was so little money back then, every penny spent had to be on something of immediate practical value. They are not going to be happy pissing away tens of thousands of dollars so that (their children) can feel intellectually enriched!” Although my parents have their own practice and don’t have to worry about being laid off, they still emphasize the importance of getting a practical job, such as a doctor or a dentist, because they know about how oversaturated and unstable the job market is. They also know about the risks that comes with working for someone, rather than being one’s own boss.
Guo ended the article by stating that he hopes “that this article has prompted (readers) to think a bit about why (Asians) parents feel the way that they do. They might be unreasonable or irrational in (their children’s) mind, but in their minds, given their third-world upbringing, they are perfectly reasonable and rational. Deep down, they do have (their children’s) best interests at heart—it's just sad that the world in which (their children) are growing up, present-day middle-class America, is nothing like where they grew up, so their gut feelings and guiding principles are largely useless for (their children).”
Asian parents are usually “low to middle-class immigrants trying to do their best with the limited knowledge they have to achieve the most happiness and pleasure for themselves and their children. But good intentions don’t always result in great results. Asian parents are great at instilling strong work ethic, encouraging a high performance in school, and making sure their child achieves a middle-class first world income with a stable job — something other cultures struggle with. What they get wrong is severely influencing their child to pursue money over passion, using way too much negative reinforcement to parent, and limiting their child’s potential by encouraging only a limited set of lower-risk career paths.”
Comments (0)
See all