Hou Dong stared at him with wide eyes, his hands suddenly empty, not knowing what to say. "I …" He secretly bit his tongue and cursed himself. Yeah, why had he done that just now? Just staying with Kanuen would be enough to calm him down, there was no reason to touch him. In fact, doing so might scare him away. After all, that was exactly what happened before, wasn’t it? He had been forced into that bath, forced to take off his clothes and then he had gotten assaulted by these strangers. Naturally, that would remind him.
Hou Dong raised his hands and also backed off. "I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it. I meant nothing by it. You have to believe me, Kanuen."
Kanuen’s fingers tightened around the label of his robe. "That … That’s not it …"
Hou Dong shook his head. "It’s alright. You don’t have to explain anything. You’re still afraid, I understand that. You don’t have to worry though. I won’t do anything. I’ll just stand over here, alright? I won’t come close, I won’t touch you."
Kanuen glanced at him, his gaze complicated. "That’s not it."
"Yes, I know. It’s not that you don’t trust me. I understand that. But you’ve been through a lot and it’s completely normal that you’re confused. It’ll take time to return to normal."
"No!" Kanuen’s hands trembled but he didn’t know how to explain himself. "That …" His gaze flitted through the room, landing on the basin and then on Hou Dong’s figure. "That … Would you mind waiting outside?"
Hou Dong raised his brows but still nodded. "If that’ll make you feel better, then of course. Don’t worry. I’ll be right in front of the door. If you’re afraid or you need anything, then just call out. I’ll be here in a second."
Kanuen nodded and waited for Hou Dong to step outside before he gave a deep sigh. He felt pathetic. Why did he still care? Those men had already … He closed his eyes and sighed. Would it change anything if Hou Dong stayed? No, it wouldn’t. It was already too late for that. But he couldn’t help but think of his home and the future.
Even though he felt that it was impossible to stay with Hou Dong forever because of how different their lives were, he couldn’t help but hope. And with that hope, he refused to give up on the customs of his country. If Hou Dong could imagine spending his future with him, even if that would mean to travel through the world with his men and only return home to him every few months, then he still wanted to abide by these customs. Maybe that was dumb but he couldn’t help it.
Kanuen shook his head at himself and got into the basin. The warm, unscented water caressed the skin, making him give a deep sigh. He had thought that this might remind him of what had happened but actually, he felt at ease. This was nothing but a large wooden tub and there was a person right outside the door that he trusted with his life. While he had been deathly afraid back in that inn, he felt a sense of security right now. He was sure that even if he closed his eyes right now and dozed off in the water, nothing would happen to him. There was still Hou Dong outside of the room, making sure that nobody would come in and bother him. Nobody would be able to do something to him as long as Hou Dong was there.
His lips curved into a small smile but he still couldn’t help but sigh again. Ah, so much had happened in the last few weeks. And somehow, it seemed to be his appearance that was the cause for all of this. First, there were the bandits that wanted to force him, then the merchants that wanted to sell him, those guards that wanted to satisfy their lust, that rich man that wanted to possess him …
Wasn’t all of that just because of how he looked? Actually, even Hou Dong might be the same. He had seen him and then said those things. If he didn’t look like this, would Hou Dong still want him?
He put his arms on the rim of the basin and looked at the door, trying to imagine Hou Dong standing on the other side. Even if that man only wanted him because of how he looked, he wouldn’t mind. In that case, his appearance was a blessing.
After all, Hou Dong was a decent man. He had seen that from the moment they met. The promise he had made, up until now, he had abode by it. He hadn’t touched him if he didn’t want to, he hadn’t even said anything if he felt that it wasn’t welcome. He had also saved him just like he had said. Right now, he didn’t doubt anymore. Since Hou Dong had said that he would bring him home, then he would do so. He trusted this man.
It was only … Why did so much have to happen so he could realize that? He didn’t want to have those experiences. Even now, if he closed his eyes and didn’t think of Hou Dong standing outside the door, he would feel like he was back in that inn. He was submerged in the basin in the ground, his body pressed up against the stone tiles that had already been warned by the water. The voices of those two guards came from outside. They were calmly discussing what to do with him as if he was just a commodity, something that could be taken and played with without thinking about it. There was no reason to ask for his approval or his opinion. If they wanted to do it, then they could. He didn’t have any rights. And at the same time, there were even people watching. Those three girls had just stood to the side and let these men do what they wanted. They had no compassion, no second thoughts on whether this was right or wrong. They didn’t care for what this would mean to him.
Was this really the normal life in the kingdom of Kai? Were people like this to each other all the time? He couldn’t imagine that. Why would people do that?
He shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts. He was already out of there, he was safe, he didn’t need to worry just like Hou Dong had said.
But now that he had thought back to it once, it was hard to get rid of the notion. His body tensed and he couldn’t help but grab onto the rim of the tub tighter. The water splashed around his body, just like back then. Somewhere in the floor below them, steps sounded as if somebody was coming over. In the room next door, clothes rustled and hushed voices could be heard. Kanuen bit his lower lip and pressed his eyes shut. This had nothing to do with him. He wasn’t in that situation anymore. He was already safe.
A choked sob escaped his lips before he could clasp a hand over his mouth. He looked at the door with worry, his heart squeezing in pain. Just how long until he could get rid of these images? He didn’t want this. He absolutely didn’t want this. He especially didn’t want Hou Dong to hear just how difficult this was for him. Hou Dong had already done enough. There was no need to worry him any further.
In front of the door, Hou Dong indeed couldn’t help but worry. He looked at the thin layer of wood that separated them and wanted to push it open. But remembering how Kanuen had retreated from him, he held back at the last moment.
No, obviously, that wouldn’t be a good idea. Right now, Kanuen was afraid. He was afraid of everything and everyone. He didn’t doubt that Kanuen trusted him normally but it just wasn’t possible right now. He had to wait for him to calm down by himself and then slowly find a way we to make this work. Naturally, that would take time. After all, what he had gone through was terrible.
Hou Dong leaned his forehead against the wall and clenched his hands into fists, barely holding back from punching the wall. Why was there nothing he could do? He felt so useless. He hadn’t been able to spare Kanuen from what had happened in the inn and he had almost come too late at the mansion of that rich man.
Why hadn’t he left the two guards to his men? Why hadn’t he hurried over to the mansion immediately? The things that that man had told Kanuen, the way he had undressed him and touched him … Would Kanuen ever be able to get rid of these memories? Probably not.
That was his fault. And now, he couldn’t even do anything to calm him down. He couldn’t go in there to hold him, he couldn’t tell him that everything would be alright because he honestly didn’t know. He was just … just somebody who had brought trouble to Kanuen.
If not for his decisions, Kanuen would never have gotten into this situation. If he had sent one of his men to bring him back to his country or maybe sent him back to Hua country instead, then none of this would’ve happened.
And what could these merchants have done to him? The person they considered to be their property would have been run away. It wasn’t his task or that of his men to make sure that their property would stay with them. That was what the merchants would have to do themselves if they wanted to call a person their possession.
He and his men were only needed for guarding those possessions against other people. As long as it wasn’t stolen away by some robbers, it had nothing to do with them. And just as he had said to Kanuen right now, the merchants wouldn’t have noticed that one of his men was gone.
It would have been possible. He could have done that. But he didn’t even think of it. No, he had only thought about how he liked how this person looked and how he liked how he talked about his country.
That made all of this his fault, didn’t it? Because of his own selfish desires, because he wanted to attain this person and make him fall in love with him, he had dragged him over to the country of Kai and thus led him right into this situation.
That kind of thing … Kanuen shouldn’t forgive him for it. But knowing him, he probably would. He probably didn’t even see any fault with him. This person … He truly was too good for him. And now this good person was silently sobbing, even trying to stifle the sound because he didn’t want to worry him.
He had never thought of himself as a very good person but right now, Hou Dong felt like an asshole. He probably deserved being beaten up by somebody himself. Ah, unfortunately, there wasn’t anybody who would do so. Well, he could only promise himself that he would do better from now on.
Yes, in the future, he wouldn’t leave Kanuen’s side. He would stay with him for the rest of his life and he would protect him from all harm. He wouldn’t let anybody hurt him at all. From now on, this person could ask whatever he wanted of him and he would fulfill his wishes, no questions asked.
Comments (0)
See all