Castiel’s heart picked up a faster pace. He raised one hand and touched Sarah’s chin softly. He lifted her head and felt her accelerating heartbeat under his fingers. Castiel brushed the corner of Sarah’s mouth with his thumb. Her skin was soft and warm. Sarah gathered the courage to look at Castiel in the eye, and he swallowed. He was thousand times more nervous now.
Sarah didn’t know what to do. Her heart was beating wildly, and her head was fuzzy. Slowly, as she didn’t want to break the moment, Sarah raised her own hand and put it on top of Castiel’s. His hand felt burning hot against Sarah’s cooler skin. The touch made Castiel’s heart jump, and the hair on his arms and neck stood up. He couldn’t wait anymore.
Castiel leaned closer and pressed his lips against Sarah’s soft lips. He let go of Sarah’s hand and wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer. When their bodies touched, Castiel’s skin tingled, and he got goosebumps. He smelled the faint scent of Sarah’s fruity shampoo and tasted tea on her lips.
When Castiel’s lips touched Sarah’s, a wave of heat washed over her. Her body was burning, and Sarah thought for a few seconds she’d faint from the overwhelming feeling. A strong sensation of excitement and desire welled in her chest. She closed her eyes and responded to the kiss. She placed one hand on Castiel’s shoulder, gripping to his shirt. She wouldn't run away this time.
Encouraged by Sarah’s reaction, Castiel pulled her even closer, desperate for her presence near him. He wanted to feel every part of Sarah’s body against his. He had waited for this, hoped, feared, dreamed and dreaded. This was so much more than he had imagined. So much more than he had wished for. This sensation was worth all those doubts and confused emotions that had churned in his head for the past week. This kiss was worth it all and more.
A minute passed, then two until their lips parted. Sarah took a quivering breath. She could hear the drumming of her heart in her ears. Her face was burning but a quick look at Castiel revealed she wasn’t the only one with that problem. Castiel’s face resembled a beet, and the blush had spread all the way up to his ears. When Sarah let her hand slide down from Castiel’s shoulder to his chest, she felt his heart’s hammering beat, like it was trying to break out of its cage.
“That was…” Sarah whispered but swallowed the rest of the sentence. She didn’t know how to describe what had happened. Lovely? Amazing? Magical?
“Yeah… It was.”
Castiel let go of Sarah and slumped on the couch with a deep sigh. Ares jumped next to him.
“I can’t with all these emotions.”
Sarah sat down next to Castiel with a questioning look in her eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s been really hard to figure you out,” he said and let out a nervous laugh. “But…I guess I’ve been the same.”
“A bit, yeah.”
“But I hope this made it all clear for you. I like you a lot. I think I didn’t want to admit it at first. It probably took me a long time to acknowledge because I was trying to protect myself from having the same experience than with Rachel. And when I finally realized my feelings, I was too scared to do anything. I’m not quite as confident as people think. Especially since I didn’t know your thoughts. I wanted to believe you felt the same as me, but I couldn’t tell for sure.”
The words hastily dropped out of his mouth. All the thoughts Castiel had been going over in his head flowed out for Sarah to hear. He hadn’t really intended to reveal all of this but couldn’t stop himself. And maybe it was better that Sarah knew everything. Maybe it’d help her understand.
Sarah let out a laugh and quickly covered her mouth with her hand. Castiel looked at her.
“I’ve been feeling almost exactly the same,” she said. “I like you a lot too, but I thought you wouldn’t like me. And well, I’m not great at expressing feelings like this. I was really nervous. I mean, I haven’t kissed anyone before and—“
“Wait. You haven’t kissed anyone before?”
The redness that had started to fade shot back on Sarah’s face.
“No.”
Castiel had been her first kiss. Thinking about it made Sarah’s heart flutter.
“So, I was your… I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have kissed you without your permission,” Castiel said.
Sarah smiled softly. Castiel was so sweet.
“You don’t need to apologize. If I didn’t want it, you would’ve known before you kissed me.”
Castiel sighed in relief. It would’ve been awful if he had messed up again.
“So, you liked it?” he asked.
Sarah blushed again.
“Yes.”
“Would you mind if I kissed you again?”
“Not at all.”
Excitements surged inside Castiel when he leaned closer to Sarah again. His lips met hers eager and hungry but still respectful. Castiel grabbed Sarah’s shoulder, pulling her towards him even though he would’ve rather pushed her down on the couch. But it would’ve been too early for that. He didn’t want to scare Sarah away.
Sarah placed her hand on his shoulder again but slowly her fingers moved forward, gently brushing the skin on his neck and sinking in his hair when Castiel applied more pressure to the kiss. He wrapped his arm around Sarah, running his fingers on her back and sides. It excited Castiel to feel Sarah tense under his touch when his fingers went over a particularly sensitive spot. He wanted to explore her body more and touch every part of it.
Sarah broke the kiss. She leaned back and gasped for breath, and Castiel gave her space. Sarah’s hand trembled from the adrenaline rush, and her heart thumped almost painfully hard. But she enjoyed this. She was smitten with him.
“Sorry,” she muttered while still trying to catch her breath.
“Don’t be,” Castiel smiled, brushing her cheek softly with his hand. Sarah was so adorable. “You can take your time. There’s no rush.”
Sarah nodded and smiled. She wasn’t used to these feelings. Her body acted in new ways and caused sensations Sarah couldn’t have imagined. It was a lot to take in. But she was happy. She liked these feelings, and she was happy Castiel caused them.
“Can you tell me what happened with Rachel? You don’t have to, but I’d like to know. So I won’t hurt you the same way.”
The smiled faded from Castiel’s face and he sat up straight.
“Sure. I don’t think you’d be capable of doing the same thing, but I can tell you.”
Sarah nodded and placed her hand on Castiel’s hand that rested on his leg. She wanted to hear. She knew some things but the rumours in high schools were rarely accurate, and when they concerned people like Castiel and Rachel, they tended to get exaggerated. From Sarah’s understanding Rachel had dumped Castiel but the reasons varied based on who was telling the story.
“We started dating at the end of my first year. Rachel was year older than me, but we were on the same beginner’s guitar class together. She was impressed by my guitar playing, and we started talking about music and then about other stuff, like pets and movies. Honestly, I was really crushing on her, but I was too awkward to make a move since she was older than me. After like two or three months of just talking, she asked me to a punk concert on the weekend school ended, and well, we started dating after that.”
A fainted smile visited on Castiel’s face when he remembered the good times of their relationship. But the smile faded fast.
“We dated for little over a year. You probably remember our break up because people talked about it for ages,” Castiel smiled drily, “Everything went well at first. She was cool and amazing. But towards the winter and spring she got more distant. We didn’t meet as often. She didn’t stay over as much. She was out of town on weekends and didn’t always call back until a lot later. She always glossed over the topic if I asked where she had been. Sometimes she got mad if I asked and said I was clingy and didn’t trust her. Sometimes I thought I acted clingy, and I felt guilty. Then like three weeks before summer break she announced she wants to break up. It came completely out of the blue. We hadn’t had any fights. She hadn’t really said anything about wanting to break up before. I asked her why, and she gave some vague excuses that didn’t properly answer the question. Then she said it was because it would be embarrassing to date a high schooler in college. We would’ve had a long-distance relationship because of her college was in other city, so I was like okay, that’s understandable, it’s fine. Well it wasn’t really fine because I still loved her and thought we could’ve worked things out, but I didn’t want to be clingy. But then like a week later I was in one other town to pick up some music stuff when I saw Rachel walking with some other guy. They looked awfully close, so I followed them, as petty as it might’ve been. And as you maybe already guessed, they kissed. I was shocked so I marched to them and punched the dude in the face. Rachel got mad and I was mad, and we just yelled at each other. The guy hit me back and almost broke my nose. I found out they had been dating for five months. Five. Fucking. Months. She had been cheating on me almost half of the time we had been together. I think I said something like ‘That’s great. That’s almost as long as we dated. Good luck for the future’ to them, and then I walked away. She screamed something at me, but I didn’t listen anymore. I was shattered. I was thinking if I did something wrong. If there had been something I could’ve done differently. Was I not good enough for her? Was I clingy? I know I have a bad temper and get pretty angry sometimes, but I’d never hurt someone I care about. I would’ve accepted if she didn’t want to date me. She could’ve broken up when she found the other guy, but she chose to cheat instead. Or maybe she just wanted the attention of two guys. I don’t know and I never found out, but I can’t stand people who cheat on others. It’s disgusting and scummy no matter who you are.”
“I’m really sorry,” Sarah said when Castiel quieted down. “I’m really sorry you had to go through that.”
Castiel shrugged his shoulders. He hadn’t told this story many times. Only his parents and Leon knew what had happened. It was painful to remember it all again.
Pair of arms wrapped around Castiel, and he flinched from surprise. Sarah had pulled him to a hug. Castiel leaned closer and pressed his forehead against Sarah’s.
“I won’t ever hurt you like that. I promise,” she whispered in his ear.
Castiel closed his eyes to hold the tears that tried to break free. But one drop managed to escape from between his eyelids and dropped on Sarah’s hair. A second and a third one followed, and soon it was impossible to stop the stream. Castiel sniffed. He didn’t know why he was crying. He had already got over Rachel, mostly at least. There shouldn’t have been a reason to cry. He didn’t remember the last time he had cried. Even in his great-grandfather’s funeral he had barely shed a tear. But now, a simple hug and few soft but impactful words had opened the gates, and there was no end in sight. All the frustration and anxiety flowed out with the tears. Castiel was angry at Rachel. She had hurt his feelings and used him and made Castiel doubt his worth. He knew he had made some mistakes but doubted he had done anything that couldn’t have been fixed with talking, and nothing that really would’ve driven anyone to cheat. Because of Rachel he had doubted himself and had hesitated with his feelings towards Sarah. Castiel was happy he hadn’t ruined his chance with her. Unless this ‘crying because of ex’ did it for him. Castiel wouldn’t blame Sarah if it did. But he hoped she would stay.
Castiel didn’t make a sound while he cried. Only his shallow breathing and shaking shoulders revealed it to Sarah. She tried to calm her own breathing to something Castiel could match and then stroked his back with her hand. There was no rush to get over the tears quickly. It was best to let it all out. Ares sniffed Sarah’s hand and Castiel’s back trying to push closer, but Sarah waved him away. Surprisingly the dog listened and lied down on the couch. Perhaps Ares understood it would be better to not disturb Castiel now.
Sarah was angry at Rachel. How could she have done something so hurtful? The situation still hurt Castiel even though months had passed since their break up. Cheating was selfish, and Sarah believed that it was never acceptable. If the relationship had problems, they should always be talked through first before running to other people’s beds. Otherwise people would get hurt. Not only the person who got cheated on, but it could be a shock to the person who was used for the cheating. Sarah wondered what Rachel’s new boyfriend had thought when he found out about the situation.
Castiel took a deep breath to calm himself. The tears had stopped, and he felt lighter, like weight had been dropped from his shoulders. Sarah eased her hug so Castiel could move better. He sat up and wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. He was embarrassed about the overflow of emotions. It probably wasn’t something Sarah would’ve imagined of him.
“Are you feeling better?” Sarah asked.
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