“Here I stand, Empty hands

Wishing my wrists were bleeding

To stop the pain from the beatings

There you stood, Holding me

Waiting for me to notice you ”

~Red Sam, Flyleaf

…

Despite her best intentions, Elena accepted Ben’s invitation to go out to Fort Bragg.

His conclusion was that she needed a break, to get away from the confines and stress of work. He reminded her that in the time that they’d been working together, neither one of them had taken a vacation and that since they had the next couple days off, they should take advantage of it.

She had finally agreed in the end to go on the impromptu trip with him. However, she also explicitly told him that she didn’t want him to post any picture at all that might include her in any social media site of his, because she wasn’t about to lose her job due to a misunderstanding. Nervous, anxious, and excited to be out of the house, she sat in the passenger seat of his car with Kevin in the back seat, head poking out the window happily.

Elena wasn’t sure whether she should be regretting having accepted his invitation or if she was hallucinating. She had been wearing the same wide-eyed look for the last two hours since Ben had started singing.

He was definitely not the best singer... and she didn’t know whether she should laugh or cry.

Ben was recently on his rendition of Thomas Rhett’s “Die a Happy Man.” She gaped, eyebrows raised as the song had started playing on the radio and he had simply put the volume up excitedly. “Oh, I like this song! Baby last night was hands down, one of the best nights that I've had no doubt!” He was nearly screaming the first part at the top of his lungs. “Between the bottle of wine, And the look in your eyes and the Marvin Gaye, Then we danced in the dark under September stars in the pourin' rain!” He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Sing with me, Elena. Haha! What’s with the face?”

“I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry right now.” She laughed low at the scowl on his face.

“I’m not that bad, jeez.”

“I didn’t think you’d be a country person.”

“I’ll listen to anything, really.” He looked over his shoulder before merging lanes. “Personally, I’ve always been into rock and stuff, but now that I’m older, I’ll listen to anything if it’s catchy. My Spotify playlist doesn’t let me lie.”

“That is so crazy. You don’t seem like the person who’d be into rock,” she mused as she stole a glance at him. Bright, bubbly, and preppy-looking, she figured he’d be into pop or some sort of rap. Not quite country, but definitely not rock.

“Why? What are you into?”

“Pretty much anything, like you said.” She smiled to herself, thinking about how she looked as a teenager. “I was into like My Chemical Romance and Pierce the Veil growing up.”

He gave her a look. “You don’t seem the type.”

“Oh, I was. I always wore black and had band shirts and wore studded belts, crazy makeup.”

“What do you know. I didn’t imagine you’d be into that scene,” he chuckled. “Then, how come you don’t think that I’d be into rock?”

“You don’t… look like you would?” He was wearing jeans, a faded blue UCLA hoodie and black Nike’s. He reminded her of a frat boy.

“Why? Because I’m not wearing black?”

Cocking her head to the side, she thought for the right word.

“You look too... pretty? To be a rocker? I don’t know how to explain it.” She turned her attention back to the road. “Forget it.”

“Too pretty?” He scowled. “Wow. I can still be into rock. Or whatever.”

“Okay, okay.”

Where had he heard that before? Oh, yeah, his father.

Ben felt his heart pounding, and despite trying not to get upset, he could feel himself getting a little angry at Elena’s comment. When he was younger, his appearance had made it easy for him to find girls to mess around with, but people tended not to take him seriously due to his appearance.

If it wasn’t for your pretty face, I’d say there’s nothing good about you, his father had told him one time. The only thing you’re good at is fucking around with girls.

Ben said nothing else. He didn’t want to feel this way. He didn’t want to be upset. He sat in silence and counted to ten.

“Ah…Ross?” Elena started cautiously, feeling that she had touched a nerve, she didn’t know what to say. “Did I say some—” She stopped when her phone started ringing. She looked down and gasped.

Ben looked over at Elena who gasped loudly and threw her phone to the floor at her feet. She was breathing hard.

“Elena? Who is it?” Despite his mood, he started smiling at her angry outburst—it reminded him of a child throwing a tantrum when they got something they disliked. When she threw a hand to her chest and whimpered slightly, he frowned. “Elena?”

“Pull over!” she gasped, still holding her chest.

“What do—”

“Pull over, please!”

He found a spot on the side of the road and pulled off to the side. As soon as the car stopped, Elena yanked off her seat belt, opening the passenger door and jumping out the car. He yanked off his seat belt as well, getting out and going around the car to see her.

She was doubled over, holding her stomach with one hand and holding herself up with the other one on her knee. She was vomiting in between gasps.

“Shit!”

He ran back to the car and pulled out a towel from the back seat. He came back around to hand it to her, pulling her hair back from her face, and trying to give her some air.

“Elena, you have to breathe, babe. Come on,” he put one hand on her shoulder, holding her hair with the other. “Here, take the towel.” She took it and wiped her eyes first before wiping her mouth and nose. She was still breathing heavily and despite her forceful vomiting, she was back to looking pale. “Take a deep breath,” he told her and she gasped shakily, sounding almost like a fish out of water. She held a hand to her chest, feeling the same pain that was always there, but that recently had gotten so much worse. Her head was pounding.

“Look at me, babe,” he told her and she looked up at him, “I want you to take a breath and hold it for five, let it out slowly. Can you do that?” She nodded slightly, still not quite feeling that push of inhaled air hit her lungs entirely. She whimpered as the thought that she wouldn’t be able to breathe hit her. Ben cradled her face in his hands, telling her to look up at him. With her hands on his forearms, she clung to him tightly, trying to do as he told her. “Alright, deep breath. That’s it… Okay, let it out…Slowly. Slowly. Good.”

She started crying softly as soon as she was able to breathe normally, still holding on to him.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” He pulled her face to look at him again when she tried to look away. “Elena, what happened?”

“I… don’t know. I just can’t… I’m n-not sure anymore. I have anxiety, or panic attacks, or whatever these are. My chest just hurts. This has n-never happened before!” she explained, mumbling over her words.

“And you’ve had these panic attacks before?”

“Y-yes. But it hadn’t been this bad. I never thrown up before.” She started crying again, tears just falling. “I’m so sorry! I’m sorry! Oh my god!”

“Elena, it’s okay. I’ve got you. Come here.” He threw his arms around her, holding her, feeling her tense up a moment before relaxing against him. She was shivering slightly, probably from nerves as she hid her face into his shirt.

“I’m sorry!”

“No need to apologize. I’m glad I was here to help you.”

They stood there, with Ben holding her as she cried, for a while. Kevin whimpered from his spot at the window.

Just who the hell had called her to make her react in this way? Whoever had called her must have done something to her, someone in her personal life, to make her this way. It enraged him to think that they had hurt her, done something to her to leave her this broken. No normal person reacted this badly over a phone call.

When her phone started ringing again, she tensed up against his arms.

“I’m going to check the caller.” He told her. Part of him wanted to answer the phone and give them a piece of his mind, but the other part of his conscience told him it wasn’t his place to do so. As her friend, you should, though, he told himself.

“No, wait!”

He let her go and went to grab her phone. It was a phone call through Messenger from someone named Kyle.

“Wait, wait Ben! Please, no!”

“Hello? Who is this? Why are you calling this phone?” He asked roughly, feeling his hand clench. He took a look at Elena who eyes were tearing up, she was hugging herself.

“Hello, who is this?” A rough man’s voice asked. There was some rustling in the background and some coughing. “Is this Elena’s phone?”

“Who wants to know?” Ben was slowly feeling even more on edge.

“Kyle Foster. We know each other from college. We had classes together. I’m trying to get a hold of her.”

Ben had the call on speaker and looked at Elena, nodding at her to see what she would say. She shook her head frantically back.

“She’s unavailable at this time. Care to leave a message?”

“Can you tell her to give me a call? I don’t have her number and this is the best I can do. Let me give you my number…” Ben added the number to his own phone as he listened. Elena was a ball of nerves, staring at Ben with wide eyes.

“Okay. I got it. I’ll pass on the message.”

“Please, let her know it’s important.”

“Alright.”

With that, Ben ended the call, dropping his arms by his side and staring at Elena. She said nothing, but the pallor of her skin and the terrified look on her face spoke volumes.

“So, want to talk about it?”

“There is nothing to talk about it.”

“Seems he is very interested in you calling him back. Ex-boyfriend?”

She nearly growled, standing up straight and glaring at Ben.

“Ex-boyfriend!? Never!” she exclaimed angrily. “Never with that man! I would never date that man!”

Ben frowned, trying to decipher what her anger was about.

“Ex- friend?”

“Hell no!” She scoffed, throwing her hands to her head, running her shaky fingers through her hair. “I would rather die a painful death than be friends with him."

Ben blanched at her passionate statement.

“Then, want to talk about why just seeing his name on the phone screen threw you into … a panic attack?” Something told him that he didn’t want to hear it. Something had happened between those two, and he didn’t know if he wanted to find out what.

“Because he’s an asshole! And he…” she let her arms drop, feeling her heart pounding. “He...he ruined my life.”

Ben nodded. She didn’t say anything else. Simply those last three words that were very vague, yet powerful.

He wanted to know, but he didn’t want to ask her.

Wanted to know what had happened, but didn’t think his mind could deal with it.

Part of him had an inkling as to what it could possibly had been, but he refused to acknowledge it. He was angry for her, worried for her, cautious of her reactions.

“We should probably keep driving,” he commented after what seemed like an eternity.

She had a faraway look on her face, her hands clenched together as she tried to get rid of the racing thoughts in her mind.

“Yes, we should.”

She said nothing else as she climbed back into the passenger seat and shut the door.

He sighed, looking at her phone in his hand, wondering what was going to happen now. There was something there. Something he really did and did not want to find out.

...

"Would you like to stop somewhere for food?"

Elena shook her head at Ben.

"Elena?"

"No. I'm not really hungry."

"You ate like a bird this morning. Surely, you must be in need of some food by now? It's already one in the afternoon." Ben encouraged gently. They had stopped at a Chevron to fill up the gas tank and let Kevin out for a potty break. With Kevin back in the back seat, he watched Elena as she sat, knees to her chest, against the door. She hadn't spoken in a while, and he was worried for her.

His brain hurt to think about all the possible horrible ways that the Kyle guy could have hurt her. Was that a reason why she was so reserved?

"I don't really feel hungry." She finally looked back at him because she knew that he wouldn't let it go. "I don't eat a lot."

Ben tried not to frown at that.

He didn't know why he hadn't noticed it, but had she lost weight? In a week? She was usually pale, but he figured it was just the tone of her skin, with her bright copper hair it would only be right for her skin tone to be lighter, no? But that wasn't the case with her. She usually sported a blush over her cheeks which was gone, and now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen it over the last couple days.

"I don't think it would be good for you to get sick." He watched her eyes searching his for an answer to his concern. "I know you're upset over what happened earlier, but it would be best if you ate something. I really don't want you to get sick because you're not eating."

She swallowed hard, searching his face, before turning back to staring out the window. This trip wasn't turning out to be what she had expected. She should've just stayed home. She honestly didn't know why she had taken him up on his offer.

Because you wanted a chance to clear your head, duh. She sighed and stared off at the mountains in the background. They were currently somewhere in a small town called Willits. She had been staring off into space for the last hour or so.

"We're going to find somewhere to eat once we get to Fort Bragg," he told her firmly as he climbed back into the car and started it up.

She didn't answer back.

..

"Alright everyone, I would like for you to get into groups of four please. This is going to be a group assignment."

Ruby and Elena paired up, they knew each other from the previous semesters and because they'd gotten along well and moved in together. The cost of living in a college town was more bearable that way, and it was nice to have a friend to talk to, a classmate to help you at home with assignments.

They waved at Carlos, one of the other students who'd they worked with in previous groups. He was a quiet guy, smart but actually quite funny, and they knew they didn't have to pester him to do his part of assignments.

A tall blond guy came over to their table.

"Hi, everyone! Mind if I join this group? Everyone else seems to have their groups already."

Ruby and Carlos nodded. "Sure, man, take a seat." Carlos said as he shook hands with him.

"You better be aware that I will hunt you down if you don't do your work," Ruby pointed out with squinted eyes. They hadn't worked with him before, so she was iffy about people messing up their grades.

"Ruby! Be nice," Elena said as she patted her on the arm. Turning to Kyle, she said, "I'm sorry, she seems to forget her manners sometimes."

Kyle smiled widely at her. "No worries. As long as you're nice to me, I'll be fine. You're Elena, correct?"

"Uh, yes." She reached out to shake his hand. "You're Kyle, right?"

"Yes. Nice to meet you." He had hazel eyes and a smirky grin that for some reason made Elena's stomach clench a bit... and not in a good way. She pulled back her hand and turned back to Ruby. "We should probably get started on this..."

He studied her for the rest of class.