Archie looked inside his fridge. It’s clean, organized, and, disturbingly full.

“Come on!” he complained. “You put light beer in my fridge?”

“I thought you liked beer?” Elizabeth said.

“Yes, but not light beer,” Archie said. He grabbed the whole pack and opened one anyway. “Ugh! You didn’t even get the good kind. This tastes like a bag of cats that were put through a wood chipper.” He took another sip.

“Well, sorry for trying to be courteous. I filled up your fridge in the event that you came home. I should really get paid for house sitting.” Elizabeth clothed herself and sat down on the couch.

“You call this house sitting?” Archie said. He sat down on his recliner and handed Elizabeth a can. “I mean look at this. You fucked up my feng shui. This recliner is now perpendicular to the couch. It’s supposed to be facing the TV at a forty-five-degree angle, and not facing the door.”

“Why not?”

“Because the door is an invitation to go out, Elizabeth. The whole point of the living room is to live in this room and not go outside. Y’know, like a normal person. And look at what you did to my DVDs. You’ve alphabetized them.”

“Uh…you’re welcome?”

“Uh…no, bitch. I specifically organized them from so-bad-it’s-good to Citizen Kane. Look at what you did: you put Casablanca next to Battlefield Earth. You monster.”

“Whatever.” She took a sip of her beer. “I was just trying to help.”

“Yeah, well, at least you vacuumed the carpet,” Archie sighed. “So thanks, I guess…”

Archie looked at his wool carpet; it was made from fine wool that was illegally harvested from the endangered vicuña— wild South American camelids that inhabited the high alpine areas of the Andes. Basically, alpacas that are about to die, Archie would often tell his visitors. This was his prized possession. Archie looked up at Elizabeth who was moping on the couch and sipping her beer. His smile disappeared and he shook his head.

“Okay, let me get this straight,” Archie sighed. “You dumped your boyfriend, Charlie—whom I never met, by the way—because you found out that he was seeing his roommate, Roger, behind your back? But to be more specific, you basically walked in on them sparring lightsabers?”

“Yes,” Elizabeth said. She avoided eye contact. “And on our one year anniversary, if I might add. I caught them in Roger’s garage. They were covered in gasoline, and were, just, y’know? Having a moment.”

“Gasoline?” Archie wondered.

“I don’t know. Roger’s a mechanic. It was some kinky fetish he had,” Elizabeth said. “The way they looked at each other. Charlie never looked at me like that.” Elizabeth started to cry, Archie encouraged her to drink. “He always just looked at me like I wasn’t important, like I was disgusting, repulsive—like I wasn’t there. I don’t know. I still have feelings for him. I wanted to have a life with him.” Elizabeth wiped her tears.

Archie shook his head in utter confusion. “Really, after all that you still love the guy?”

“We got really intimate, okay? We planned a perfect life together, Archie: three kids, a dog; two-story house. We planned a bright future. You wouldn’t understand. You look at women the way you look at a piece of bacon.”

“True. But you’re still an idiot. You got way too fucking attached in such a short time,” Archie said. Elizabeth took a big gulp of her beer. “Okay, you had a bad break up, but that doesn’t excuse you from going at it on my bed like you were grating cheese. I mean, why are you in my apartment this whole time… doing that? Do it at your own place.”

“Well, before Charlie and I broke up, I got kicked out of my old apartment,” Elizabeth said. “You were out of town, for, like, forever. So I decided to stay here.”

“Did my landlord let you in?”

“No.”

“Wrong question: does my landlord even know you’ve been living here?”

“No. Charlie helped me sneak in through the fire escape. You should really lock your windows, by the way,” Elizabeth said. “Though, it’s strange. I never heard your landlord knock for rent.”

“Eh, we have an agreement: I get free rent and I don’t report him for child abuse.” Archie leaned back and closed his eyes to rest.

“Archie! That’s terrible.” Elizabeth’s eyes glared at Archie.

“You think that’s bad? You should see what he does to his dog every Tuesday.”

“You should report him! It’s the right thing to do!”

“And lose my ‘free rent’ privileges? Nah… you cray. I’ll leave that to some good Samaritan. What? Are you gonna do it?” Archie sat back up and opened a new can of beer. Elizabeth opened her mouth to scold him, but hesitated. Like a dog with her tail between her legs, she sunk in the couch and sipped guilt out of her can. Archie shrugged with a smile, a certain 'told-you-so' attitude lit up his face. “Y’know, you can hear everything in this building, especially on Tuesdays; the barking gets crazy. Speaking of, it’s weird. I don’t hear Fidel barking. Usually happens right about now.” Archie looked at his watch. He shrugged. “Anyways, I find it shocking no one realized you were living here, considering how loud you were moaning a moment ago. I could hear the couple next door going at it every night and they’re much quieter when they get freaky in the sheets,” Archie smirked. Elizabeth leaned over and punched him on the shoulder. “Ow!”

“Asshole.” Elizabeth took another sip of beer and changed the subject. “So, where have you been? And why are you… high?”

“I don’t think I have to explain anything to you after what you were doing on my bed. I’m still recovering from that ordeal,” Archie said.

“That’s not fair! Quid pro quo,” Elizabeth nudged. “Where have you been for the past six months?”

Archie gulped down his drink and stared at Elizabeth. With a straight face he leaned over and said: “I was abducted by aliens.”