Elizabeth blinked and barfed on the carpet.

“Oh, come on. Not on the carpet.”

“Enough with the carpet,” Elizabeth yelled. “I just killed someone! I fucking killed Charlie! It’s your fault!”

“My fault? You shot him!”

“With your gun! Who leaves their gun lying around?”

“I didn’t leave it lying around. It was on the side table, you freak!”

“You’re such an asshole!”

“Oh, you’re one to talk! I warned you about him. If you didn’t insist on talking to him none of this would’ve happened. But no, you can’t just let sleeping dogs lie because you have the worst self-esteem I’ve ever seen. You know what your problem is, Elizabeth? It’s that you just couldn’t handle the fact that maybe—just maybe—he didn’t love you.”

Elizabeth began to cry. “He didn’t.” Tears streamed down her bloodied cheeks.

“What?” Archie carefully said.

“I was the other woman, Arch. I was the side cock! Roger and Charlie have been dating long before I got in the picture. He was cheating on Roger with me! He didn’t love me!”

"You mean, side chick?" Archie corrected. Elizabeth broke into tears and practically flooded the floor. Archie embraced Elizabeth, and held her tight. He grabbed the paper towels he used on the carpet and dried her tears with them.

“Am I repulsive?” Elizabeth asked, still enclosed in Archie’s arms.

“Yes,” Archie confessed. “Right now, you’re a mess. Like, even Bill Clinton wouldn’t fuck you. You just don’t have your shit together. But, as a person, in general? Sure, you have your faults. You’ve got a stick up your ass and a porn addiction. Your ears are a little small…”

“My ears are small?”

“Yeah, they look like raisins,” Archie joked. Elizabeth punched him and he chuckled. “Look, I’m really not the right person to go to for personal shit like this, ‘cause, if I’m being honest, I don’t care. I don’t care about mundane shit. It doesn’t matter if you’re repulsive or hot as fuck, you’re gonna die alone anyway. There are no ups and downs in life, it’s just a straight line: there’s a beginning and there’s an end, and the point is to make sure you don’t reach the end. And if you let stupid shit like your insecurities get in the way, you’re so close to just finishing your race, and that’s it. No more margaritas, no more porn, no more fun. Just black. What you need, Elizabeth, is to just learn to let the fuck go and stop planning shit. Nine times out of ten, your plan ain’t gonna happen. Life’s more fun that way.”

Elizabeth looked at Archie. His smile was as wide as the sun and nearly just as yellow. She never noticed how black his eyes were; she wondered what it was like to see through those.

“So,” Archie said. “You’re getting rid of this, right? He is your ex.”

“Well, I’m not doing it by myself.”

Archie started to think out loud. “I could always just leave. I mean it’s not like anyone knows I’m back. If anything, they’ll find your DNA in here along with his body. They’ll come by, arrest you— they’ll probably think you had something to do with my six-month disappearance. They’ll lock you up for like, a hundred years, or give you the death penalty…”

“Archie!”

“Then again, I could bust you out. But that’s too much work.”

“Archie! Come on, please help me with this!”

“Alright, fine. Grab the shovel and the bleach from the closet. Should be some latex gloves and garbage bags in there as well.”

“Why would—nevermind. I don’t want to know.”

Archie’s phone rang; his ring tone was Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”. He answered it and began to talk in a foreign language Elizabeth did not recognize. She grabbed the supplies from the closet and headed back to the living room. By the time she returned, Archie had just finished talking to the person on the phone. She put the supplies down.

“What language were you speaking just now?”

“Pluch-pluch-po-juko-juk,” Archie replied. “I think that’s how you pronounce it. Anyways, great news! My ship’s repaired. My buddy’s coming over to drop it off.”

“No, not this again.” Elizabeth shook her head.

“You still don’t believe me after what’s happened?”

“We’ve killed a human being, not fucking Marvin the Martian.”

“Actually, you killed a human being. But you do bring up a good point.” Archie grabbed his scanner and examined it. “I don’t get it. My scanner identified him for a positive Laxatite match.” Archie scratched his head. “Hmm…must’ve been the traces of gasoline on the kinky bastard. The scanner may have given me a false positive, due to traces of gasoline on your ex. Charlie and Roger must’ve gotten freaky lately.” Elizabeth is not amused. “Y’know, Laxatites drink so much fossil fuel that they practically sweat it? Hell, it makes America look eco-friendly. Motherfucking shapeshifters and their gasoline addiction.”

“Look, Archie,” Elizabeth said. “For the last time, there’re no such things as—“

Someone knocked at the door.