Trigger warning. Mentions of anxiety/panic attacks.

Azaleas - Safety

Donovan

Ever since I was a kid, my Saturdays and Sundays were dedicated to the Premiere League. I remember moments when my father and I would cheer whenever his team —which later became my team, scored. We'd yell at the television when one of the players was fouled or when they made bad plays.

Those were the days.

The moment I decided to be me, was when I lost my best friend. I had a father, who provided shelter and food. All the affection was gone. We were perfect strangers.

There are some parents that kick their sons out if they're "girly" or gay. I should be grateful that I still have a father that tolerates me, but that's not enough for me. It hurts even more when we're in the same room and he won't look at me.

Just like right now.

Today was Saturday and we were both watching the morning games. I peeked at him. We were both sitting on opposite ends of the couch. He looked engrossed into the game. While I sat there staring at him. Our team, Liverpool was up two against Manchester City one of our biggest competitors. My mother came in and joined us on the sofa making herself comfortable.

"This is nice. I love my little family," she stretched her arm and pulled us closer to her.

"Love you too baby," Dad says as he kisses her cheek.

I stay quiet as usual. It hurt being so close to him.

"So, you don't love me Donny?"

I glanced at my mother and I felt so much resentment for her. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know what else to feel. She's a witness to all of this and she allows it. I'm not sure if I can keep lying while looking directly at her.

 "That's what I thought."

I softly kiss her cheek and move away from her embrace. I got up and walked to my room. I didn't feel like watching the game or being near them. 

A lover, a partner, a boyfriend or girlfriend can break a person's heart.

My dad broke my heart. I don't think that I want to recover. I'd rather leave the pieces of my heart where they lay than put them back together. That way, I won't be able to feel anything at all.

                                                                  🌾

"I'm not saying that Jeremy is a bad person, but he's kind of unapproachable. Haven't you noticed that he doesn't have any friends? One day he'd talk to us and the next day, he'd avoid us as if we're the plague," Jess said.

Samantha nodded in unison. My patience has been worn thin. I am so annoyed right now.

It was the second recess and as usual, Jeremy was nowhere to be seen. The girls approached me and started a conversation and I wish that they didn't. I'd rather be alone than deal with them at times. They really stress me out.

"You're probably the most consistent friend that he's had in a while," Samantha continued.

Jess nodded. "He stopped talking to Jason and he can't stand Brianna. He only likes you."

I had a few classes with Jason. We've never spoken, but he seems nice. I've seen Jeremy interact with him a few times, but it always seems forced and awkward.

Brianna, on the other hand, was a different story. She was beautiful. Her rich dark skin was spotless. She came to school with a new natural hairstyle every day. She was the "it" girl of our class and she made it very known that she was interested in Jeremy. One time, she wanted him to sit with him for an in-class group assignment and he blatantly ignored her and worked with me instead.

Thinking about it now, Jeremy does seem to be a little hostile with our classmates. He is nice to me though and that's all I care about.

"I think he is misunderstood. Jeremy is always nice to the two of you and it's not like he's just mean for no reason. Do you expect him to smile when people annoy him?"

Samantha and Jess looked at each other and giggled.

"Our ship is sailing," Jess exclaimed. Samantha clapped excitedly.

"Are you guys implying something here?" I deeply frowned at the two of them.

"We think he has a crush on you,"

I instantly felt irritated. "Why?

"Because of how he acts. He's totally in love."

I mentally facepalmed. "You can't look at someone and determine their sexuality. That's not fair."

"We're only saying what we have seen," Jess said with a shrug.

"High school is an enclosed environment. What you see isn't always true. Unless Jeremy verbally says that he's interested in men, you guys shouldn't make assumptions."

Jess shrugged. "It was just a joke. We like to ship guys together. That's all. Don't take it so seriously."

"I'm being serious. This isn't cool. This conversation isn't cool. I don't like this."

It's been a long time since I got angry like this. This emotion tends to get the best of me. I took a deep breath and took up my bag.

"You're leaving?" Samantha asked. She shared a look with Jess that made me roll my eyes.

"I don't like where the conversation is heading. I tried making points, but I'm not being heard. I should go."

"Wait, don't."

"Just let him go, Jess. It's your fault anyway. You come on too strong," Samantha scolded. "I told you that not every guy would be interested in our shipping. This is the Caribbean, idiot. Everyone is basically homophobic. You probably triggered poor Donovan."

I was about to reply to Samatha when the bell rang signalling the end of recess. I nodded at them and walked away.

"Bye Donovan," they said.

I prayed my horrible mood would go away by the time I arrived in class. I took another deep breath. I had biology and I was very excited. I love Mr. Williams. His personality is infectious. I think the biology jokes that he tells us flies over everyone's head. Which makes them even funnier. As I walked to class, I was stopped dead in my tracks by someone. They stood right in front of me and wouldn't move. I stepped back and started walking the other way, but they stopped me by grabbing my shoulder. I instantly pulled away from the person.

"Hey pumpkin," he said.

I'd seen him before. He was as tall as Jeremy with light brown skin. His hair was cut short. His nose looked as if it was broken before, just like Jeremy's. He looked very athletic and that made me nervous. I tried ignoring him and started walking away, but he roughly pulled me back. Now, a few students were crowding around us as some kept their heads straight.

"You love the attention, right? Wearing flowers and painting your nails. You're just asking for it," he said watching down at me. He looked at me with a disgusted expression. I once again tried walking in the other direction, but he followed.

The final bell rang. I was late for class.

"We don't need any gay people in our school. So just transfer back to wherever the hell you came from!"

I instantly had flashbacks to when I was beaten up. My heartbeat accelerated and I started to panic.

I'm strong.

I'm strong.

I'm strong.

I say to myself. What's the point of saying something if I don't believe it myself. My eyes watered. I was on the cusp of an anxiety attack.

"Get the hell away from him, Joe." Jeremy went up to his face and pushed him away from me.

"Make me." Joe grinned at Jeremy. It's like he wanted that kind of reaction from him.

"You don't want this."

Jeremy was now standing in front of him. With his fist clenched he looked like he was ready to attack him. Where are the teachers? Where's security? "Do you like him because he reminds of you Jean. If you're not careful he will end up just like him."

I don't know who Jean is, but hearing their name surely triggered Jeremy and he pushed Joe so hard, he fell on a couple of benches.

"Don't talk about him. How dare you?"

The students around us stayed extremely quiet. They all definitely knew something that I didn't.

"It got a reaction out of you," he spat. Joe didn't try to get up. He just sent Jeremy a smile. Jeremy was about to go after him when I quickly pulled his shirt.

"Please don't."

For the first time, he looked at me and his face said it all. Anger and despair were present. He angrily clenched his fist.

"I'm sorry. We should go."

Jeremy gently pushed me towards the direction of the class. Aggressively nudging past onlookers. When we opened the door of the classroom, nobody was there.

"I guess Williams didn't come today."

I could only nod.

"Look, Donovan. I'm sorry..."

He couldn't finish the sentence because the next thing I knew I was on the floor having a long-awaited anxiety attack. My entire body began to shake. The tears streamed down my face as I tried to catch my breath. The scariest part of an anxiety attack is feeling as if I'm going to die. My heart wrestled with my chest as if it was trying to break free. After having these for so many years, I'm still not able to properly stop them.

"Donovan, are you okay? Can I take you to the office? What's going on?" He started to freak out, which made me feel even more guilty. Dropping to the floor, he moved closer to me. I tried catching my breath.

"Okay, let's breathe together. Can I hold your hands."

I quickly nodded. He sat down in front of me on the floor, holding my hands.

"We're going to breathe together. Breathe in,"

We both took a deep breath in. Then we breathed out. "In... out. In... out."

After 10 minutes, I was back to normal. I was so embarrassed.

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

"No... I'm sorry for not checking up on you from the beginning. The first thing I did was attack Joe. He's not important. You are. I should've given you my attention, not him. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this."

I didn't have a reply to him.

"Joe is a bully and we've fought many times in the past. I always defend bully-victims which causes me to get into trouble. I was suspended for a week the last time we fought for breaking his nose."

Jeremy pinched the edge of his nose and rubbed his temples.

"During football practice, he deliberately kicked one of the freshman, and it made me angry. So I kicked the football directly at his face with all the force that I had. If anything, I'm just as bad as him for not being able to handle things in a civilized way. I'm just really passionate about equality and fairness. Seeing someone being treated poorly triggers me. I just get so angry. How can another human be okay with treating another like crap?"

I wish that he was at my old school. I wish that I had met him earlier. Although violence isn't always the right reaction, I wish that I had someone like him to protect me.

"I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. You don't deserve that. You're one of the nicest persons that I've ever met."

"I'm not nice."

"You're so kind and sweet. You're just so genuine. I can't help but want to be near you at all times. I'm sorry you got hurt." His words meant so much to me. For all I knew, he could be the best liar, but his beautiful eyes always tend to give his true feelings sway. 

I nodded.

"Can I hug you?" he asked.

I was surprised, but I obliged.

He pulled me into his arms and hugged me close to him. I felt safe. His warmth surrounded me and I didn't want to leave.

"Every friend that I've had, I managed to push them away, because of my issues. Getting to know you, during the past few weeks has been amazing. And I hope to have a second chance with you. Can I make things up to you?"

"You don't owe me anything," I mumbled into his neck distracted by our closeness. There was a constellation of freckles across his neck, just like the ones on his face. He smelled good too.

"...Are you sure, we're okay?"

"Definitely. I'm happy to have found someone like you. Thanks, Jeremy."

If hugs like these were guaranteed, I'll be okay. Hopefully, the next time won't be on the floor of a classroom.