Even in that moment, with Gildimir struggling to keep him calm, Arkadon couldn't help but remember the first time he saw him.
Standing in a sea of violet blooms, Valos had been watching the other Secondborn assume their forms. Merely being in his presence had set Arkadon's soul aflame. He watched Valos, afraid to say anything. Afraid to move. Gazing on him, an undeniable truth became clear. That they were one. When Valos finally turned, their eyes locking under a canopy of rose-colored leaves, there was certainty in Valos' eyes.
The certainty that he'd discovered the same truth.
As they traveled across Oduin, the two remained side by side. Hand in hand. Lips on lips. After Arien arose and the Eternal Machines gathered in the white tower, Valos and Arkadon became even more inseparable. Invitations arrived by the hour. Come see, hear, or partake of this. Help us research our new theory. Lend us your insight into this quandary. Provide your matchless power to complete this bridge, palace, or tower. Valos was kind enough to answer every request.
When Arkadon eventually opened his library and began his collection of scrolls and tomes, Valos supported the endeavor. They made their home in that place, in a secret room only they knew how to access. Soon it became rare to find Valos anywhere but that room. Arkadon believed it was because of the memories they shared within its walls. But the truth was nothing he could have expected.
* * *
"Arkadon," Valos said, falling to the ground as Arkadon entered the room. Joining him on the floor, the red haired machine took Valos into his arms, holding him gently.
"Pull yourself together you silly fool. What is wrong with you?"
Thinking it was something easily dismissed, Arkadon was shocked to feel tears falling on his arm.
"Something is wrong. Something it's taken me cycles to understand."
Pushing Valos back and lifting his chin, Arkadon forced the weeping machine to look into his eyes. "Explain it to me."
"It is difficult to put into words," Valos said, trying without success to look away.
"Try as best you can. How can I help you if I don't understand what's wrong?"
Nodding and drying his tears, Valos began. "When there were only nine of us, it was difficult to notice. And when I'm with just you, all I can feel is your love. Your warmth." As Valos spoke, his right hand caressed Arkadon's cheek, his thumb tracing a gentle line across Arkadon's bottom lip. "But ever since I created Arien, and all our kin came to live here, it's become obvious to me. What I'm experiencing is unique, and the cause is them. All of them."
Gripping either side of his head with clawed hands, Valos began to rock, his eyes squeezed shut as if to hide from unseen monsters.
"I'm an empath. I can feel the emotions and feelings of others as if they were my own. And the closer they are in proximity, the more intense the feeling becomes. With a thousand, thousand souls in Arien...I'm under siege, Arkadon. Every moment, waking or otherwise. Their voices. Their feelings. Always there. Demanding every ounce of me."
Pulling Valos close, Arkadon lowered his lover's head to his chest and held him there. Minutes ticked by before the trembling and rocking slowly ceased.
"At first, our room offered some respite," Valos continued through renewed tears. "But lately it's been just as bad here. Except...now. Now it is quiet."
"Do you know why?" Arkadon asked, his soothing voice like a balm on Valos' soul.
"I wish I did," Valos answered.
"It is because I am here with you. Because you are in the arms of the one who loves you most. The one who will always be there to help you. I wish you had told me this sooner."
"I didn't want to burden you," Valos cried.
"You will never be a burden to me. Never. We will find an answer to this, Valos. Together. I promise." Arkadon ran his hands through Valos' black hair, letting his fingers brush against his stark white skin. "Until then, if it starts to become too much to bear, find me. Find me and we will work through it."
* * *
"We spent months seeking answers, Gildimir. Months. I could find no other with the same affliction, and every attempt at healing or blocking failed."
She was listening to him speak, sitting patiently on the floor beside him. Arkadon was thankful she was there. Thankful that he was finally unleashing the secret that had been weighing him down.
"The best we came up with were different ways for him to cope. Sometimes I would take his hand and trace patterns on his open palms. Other times I would...I would hum him a song, or...or kiss his fingerti...tips."
It was becoming more difficult for Arkadon to speak. The words wanted to come out, but his mouth was unwilling to form them. Gildimir gave him time.
"Eventually our quieter techniques became less effective. The voices were just too loud. Too violent. We resorted to locking eyes and singing in unison or repeating nonsensical phrases. There were a few times we had to do it outside. Once at the grand fountain. Another time at Moria's Cafe. He was so embarrassed. But it didn't matter to me. Nothing mattered to me but freeing him from the pain."
"Did something happen to make things worse?" Gildimir asked, obviously eager to know why Valos finally decided to go.
"The situation was already worsening with each passing day," Arkadon answered. "Two weeks ago it reached the point where neither my touch nor kiss could distract him. So I raised the prospect of leaving together. Venturing far from Arien, to an unexplored corner of Oduin. Valos was worried. Worried that I'd miss the library. That I would long for the proximity of friends and kin like you and Celestia."
Rising to his feet, Arkadon felt anger starting to swell inside him, mingling with the sadness. "I swore to him that he was all that mattered to me. I know he believed me, but his eyes betrayed his worry. His fear. How could I tell him that my own endurance was weakening? That I was in agony over my failure to repair the machine I love?"
Pacing around the room, Arkadon struggled to keep his body from crumbling. His mind from fracturing like broken glass.
"I was actually naive enough to think things were getting better," he started again with a tortured laugh. "He was happier this week. Calmer. You know as well as I that he was never boisterous or loud. His joy was a quiet, reserved contentment. A nod here. A smile there. His laugh, the sound I cherish most, was reserved for those times when we were alone. But this week, Gildimir...I saw glimpses of the Valos we knew in the earliest of days, when our cares were few and our hopes were high. But now it all makes sense. The source of his sudden composure. It was from having made his decision. He was at peace because he knew his pain would soon be over."
"What happened, just before you came for me?" she asked.
"We were in bed, staring at the ceiling. I...I felt a wetness dripping through the pistons and gears of my abdomen. Lifting Valos' chin, I held his weeping face in my hands. I begged to know what was wrong. He would not tell me. He would not speak at all. I forced his eyes to meet mine and succeeded only in escalating the flow of tears. No matter what I did, there was no end to his sorrow. We held each other until I feared that something terrible was going to happen. That's when I knew I could no longer be alone in my misery. I needed help. Your help. When we were in the opera house...when I turned and ran before you could speak...he spoke to my mind."
"What did he say to you?"
"I told you already. He said that his time in Arien had reached its end. That he could not stay here amongst the noise. He forbade me from following him and apologized. That's why I turned and ran. I thought that, if I could reach him in time, I could stop him from leaving me behind."
As Gildimir began to speak, offering words of comfort and advice, Arkadon was staring at the bed he'd shared with Valos. He saw visions of them there, together. Sleeping. Holding each other. The countless moments of passion. How could Valos leave? How could he go without saying more. How.... Arkadon saw something. Something resting on Valos' pillow. Running over to the bed, he snatched up a tiny scroll and unraveled it. Words were scrawled inside; a letter from Valos. Gildimir's eyes opened wide as she saw what was in Arkadon's hands. She motioned for him to read it.
My Love,
I am sorry. Do not blame yourself for my retreat. You are not the reason I left. You are the only reason I stayed.
Leaving Arien behind is the only way to avail my mind. In time, the pain of the voices will leave me. In truth, I fear what the pain of leaving you will do in their stead. Yet if I am to have any hope of restoring my sanity, I must find a way to confront this problem. I cannot continue to burden you with it. With me. You deserve so much more than I can give you.
I know you would have followed me, but I could not bring myself to take you from Arien, as much as I selfishly wanted to keep you. I swear to you, this is not forever. This is not goodbye. I will see you again, though I do not expect or demand that you wait for me. I will be happy enough if you are able to find someone new to bring you joy.
Give my love to Gildimir and Celestia. To Corthion and Ulmaris. To Cambrioc, Xorgel, and Durgan. I will miss them.
So long as I remain Valos, I will love you. I was happiest with you, and that will never change.
The scroll floated from his hands to the ground. Arkadon collapsed on his knees, his eyes bulging and mouth agape. There were no tears. No sounds. Only an emptiness that threatened to consume him whole. He saw Gildimir beside him, trying to speak to him. But he heard nothing. Gave nothing. Standing up and moving away from him, she put her hand to her mouth and left the room.
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