Ben

Ben is really annoyed with Amy’s timing. Of course, she couldn’t know, but for half an hour, he had been gathering up every ounce of courage in his body, and he was going to ask Paul out. Properly out. Like a date, maybe?

Ben’s mind immediately finds the silver lining, though: it would have been a bad timeline. He should come out to his mother first. No one should date in the closet. Yes… that seems like a plan. He will tell his mother this weekend, and next week at school, he will find some time to talk to Paul one on one, try to recreate the faint connection they had just now, and he will ask him then. Or maybe he should get his number or add him on social media and they should start with messaging each other. Become friends first.

Or maybe nothing… Just because Paul is gay doesn’t mean he would be into Ben. After all, he is just the new, shy, English nerd boy…

Why is it so scary and hard to put yourself out there?

Paul walked back in, but Amy didn’t go with him. Whoever that Louie person is, he is closer to Paul than Amy. Childhood friend, maybe?

“Who is Louie?”

Amy turns to him with the most radiant smile, like a small miracle just happened, and Ben’s stomach clenches before she even speaks. He knows that’s not going to be good. “He’s the guy from the picture!”

Oh. Oh.

Okay, Ben is more than annoyed, now. He properly hates her timing.

Ten minutes ago, Ben was so close to asking Paul out and now… Of course, that boy… Louie… isn’t just someone on a picture. He is a real person who shared a moment with Paul… And now…

Ben can’t help but think about Paul and Louie talking, sharing a drink, sharing their experience of the same traumatic viral event, getting closer… Louie probably won’t chicken out when it comes to asking Paul on a date.

Suddenly, Ben feels a little sick. “Hey, Amy, if you see Max, can you tell him that I wasn’t feeling so good and that I went home?”

“Sure. Are you alright, though? Do you need a ride?”

“No, thanks. I pretty much live next door.”

“Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting. Are you sure you’ll be alright, though? I can come with you.”

“No, thanks. Enjoy the party. I’ll be fine.”

Her timing is extremely frustrating, but she is really sweet, and she always means well.

But Ben cannot be there to witness Paul and Louie getting their happy ending. So he grabs his jacket and he walks back home.

His plan was to get home, take a quick shower, brush his teeth, go to bed, forget that his life sucks.

But when he gets home, his mother is still awake. Is it that early? She seems to be thinking the same thing, though, because she asks him: “Hey, back so soon?”

He sits down with her on the couch. “Yeah, I’m not feeling so well.”

“Clearly, if you can’t even use proper words.”

“Yes,” Ben corrects himself.

“Is it because you drank too much?”

“No. I haven’t been drinking.”

“Ben, Baby, you can tell me. I won’t be mad.”

No, she wouldn’t be mad, she would be ‘disappointed’ which is basically the same thing, but worse. “It’s not that, I promise.”

“Are you ill, then?”

Ben can see his mother going in ‘doctor mode’. But he’s not ill, he’s just… sad, tired, angry, frustrated, heartbroken… Of course, It’s not all to do with Paul. Most of it is being who he is in a world that is full of uncertainties, in a world where being himself could be enough for people to hate him, reject him, judge him… More than anything, he is tired of being terrified of the way his mother is going to react when she finds out.

Will she be fine with it? Will she be disappointed? Will she be angry? Will she cry? Will she talk to him about religion? Will she try to understand? Will she kick him out? Oh, God, could she do that?

It’s been the two of them for so long… he hopes that their bond won’t be affected by this confidence he is about to make.

Ben takes a deep shaky breath and he feels his mother gently grab his wrists. “Ben, what is it?”

But the words just can’t make it out.

“I know something is troubling you It has for months. At first, I thought it was the divorce, the wedding, or moving… but… it’s something else, isn’t it? And how bad is it that you won’t talk to me about it? Or am I wrong? Is it something new? Did something happen to you at that party?”

Ben feels like crying.

“Mom, I’m in love with a boy.” The words were faint, strangled, inaudible. But they finally made it out.

“I didn’t quite catch that,” she says, still looking worried, but also relieved that he eventually reached out to her. There is love and patience in her eyes and Ben lets himself hope that this will be okay.

“I’m gay,” he says. It feels like a better thing to say. This moment isn’t about Paul, or any other boy, it’s about Ben.

His mother closes her eyes and lets out a deep sigh.

“You’re gay,” she repeats. He nods. She looks relieved. “I’m very proud of you!”

It was the last thing he expected her to say. “You are?”

“Ben… I know how hard this must have been for you. Finding out, living with it as a secret, telling me tonight… But I need you to know that it doesn’t change anything. You’re still the same person you’ve always been, and I love you. Anything else, we can figure out, okay?”

Ben couldn’t have dreamt of a better answer. He lets his mother pull him closer. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter that you are almost seventeen, you still need a hug from your mom.

“Is there any boy I need to know about?”

“No…”

Once more, his mother seems to see right through him. “Well… everyone gets their heart broken at some point… How about ice-cream and some mind-numbing TV?”

If this went that well with his mother, maybe it will be fine with his dad too…

“I looked for you on Friday, but you disappeared…”

Ben almost jumps. He looks up from the book he was reading and standing next to him is Paul.

All weekend, Ben had been incapable of not thinking about him. About him and Louie. He was even tempted at some point to look at the picture, just to see what the other boy looked like. But he didn’t. He would have hated himself if he did.

When he asked Max if he knew if anything happened between them at the party, he couldn’t tell him. Apparently, he was busy with a girl from the hockey team. Not that it led anywhere. There was something almost comforting in knowing that Ben wasn’t the only one to be unlucky in love…

Ben had planned to find out what happened at the party on Monday morning. He has a free period and usually, Amy is also in the study room. She would have known, and Ben is pretty sure that she would have told him. It was sort of perfect. He would then have been able to go to lunch and face Paul knowing what he was stepping into.

Now, he feels nervous and blindsided.

“Yeah… uhm… I wasn’t feeling so well.”

“So Amy told me. Can I sit?”

Ben nods and moves a few of his stuff. Paul sits down and for a minute or two, they don’t speak, they don’t even look at each other. Ben’s stomach is almost painful. He is dying to know what happened. Is Paul spoken for now?

Not that it matters that much. Ben remembers how easily Paul walked away from him when he knew that the other boy was there. It says it all, doesn’t it? He didn’t even hesitate.

“So… Louie… how is he doing?”

Paul seems genuinely confused. “What?”

“Well… he was on that picture too. It must have been hard for him as well, right? How is he handling it?” Although this isn’t the question that is burning a hole in Ben’s mind, he is genuinely curious about that. What happened to Paul was awful, but that didn’t happen just to Paul. For obvious reasons, Ben feels close and sympathetic to that issue.

“He… He was out before the picture, so it’s a bit different. The whole thing annoyed him, but I guess it wasn’t as bad for him.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“I’m not. It was a shitty way to be outed. If it happened to just me, then I’m happy about that. Even if that feels unfair and part of me is jealous.” Ben really appreciates that honest side of Paul. “But the guy who posted the picture is in his school, and he took the issue to the school board and that other boy was excluded for a couple of days, so there is still that. Some justice, I guess. He asked me if I wanted to know his name, but I said no. What good would that make? The story is pretty much behind me now. Plus, from what I understood, the guy is an idiot more than someone who tried to do harm to any of us.”

“It doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, it doesn’t. But I don’t want to lose more energy into this.”

“I get that.”

Paul finally looks at him directly in the eyes, waking up a few butterflies in the process, and for a moment, it feels like the two of them understand each other completely. The feeling isn’t much different from the one he was feeling on Max’s porch.

Just like he did then, Ben really wants to ask Paul out, but if it was just scary then, it might also be forbidden now.

“I’m sure it was nice,” Ben says. “To see him again and have a chance to clear things out.”

“Yes, it was.” Every single one of those words hurt like a blade. “I’m sorry I walked away, but I was pretty sure he came for me and I know it’s a conversation I needed to have. If only to not have him be ‘the guy from that picture’ in my mind. He’s actually nice and I guess he deserved better.”

He probably is and he certainly does. Ben doesn’t picture Paul just kissing the first guy he would meet just because he was available. The two of them probably bonded that first night. And apparently again on Friday.

“So… are you going to see him again?”

“I think so, he said he would come to the school play on Wednesday. He is in the drama club in his school too, but he isn’t on stage, he is the stage manager. So he said he would ‘come to check out the competition’. It’s nice to know that there will be another friendly face in the audience.”

The school play… Ben has his tickets already. The English nerd that he is really cannot resist Shakespearian drama. Plus, two hours of being allowed to stare at Paul? He seized the opportunity the moment he got it. He was really looking forward to that. Slightly less so, now.

“Is it a date?”

“No. He has a friend on the play, and that’s the real reason he’s coming. But… he did ask me out, though. Or… I think so… he said that we should ‘hang out’ after the play. Just the two of us.”

“Oh? And what did you say?”

Amy appears out of nowhere and lets herself fall on the chair on the other side of Paul.

“What are we talking about?” she asks.

“The play,” Paul replies, half-lying.

“Oh, I CAN’T WAIT. I know my lines so well that I’m sure I will be able to recite them on my death bed! Ben, you’re coming, right?”

“Of course! First row.”

She looks over the moon. Which is really sweet.

Still. That girl’s timings ARE THE WORST!