I awoke feeling at peace and incredibly warm.
I rubbed my cheek against my pillow with a smile. My eyes opened to stark, red numbers on my alarm clock. I shot upright with a gasp. I had only ten minutes to get ready for work!
I hopped into the shower, hastily rubbing shampoo into my hair and scrubbing my body with soap. After that, I put on my uniform, shoved my wallet into my back pocket, and shrugged on a jacket while heading out to my car.
As I drove, my mind wandered. It wandered to Dr. Green, the man I had based the graffiti on.
He was such an angel, both physically and mentally. Beautiful blue eyes, golden hair…
I found myself blushing even as I drove.
At least, I thought he was an angel. But he turned out to be mean like so many other people. I hung my head when I remembered our interaction from a month ago.
My cheeks still stung with embarrassment when I thought of it; my mind was stuck in a loop about it that wouldn’t let me escape.
I wondered what I could have said to him to convince him that I was worth dating, if there was anything at all. I hadn’t tried dating anyone else since I had graduated the clinic. Dr. Green turned out to be a jerk, but he the only one I seemed to want. I just couldn’t seem to let him go.
Tears came to my eyes as I could think of nothing other than the numerous mistakes I had made at my job. I sniffled. Maybe Dr. Green was right. Maybe I am too dumb to be loved.
On most days, I tried not to think of how lonely I was, or how I had no friends, or how mean all the humans had been to me… Or how I had trouble thinking of anything other than how much I wanted to go back to the clinic. But today it was very difficult. It was just one of those days.
Normally, regardless of how bad I was feeling, I went to work with a smile on my face. I just couldn’t manage it today.
I stood behind the cash register for the morning shift with a frown on my face.
The hours ticked by.
Customers checked out, and I struggled like I always did with math and basic things like it.
My mind kept turning back to the clinic.
Back to Lyle.
I wanted to take him with me. I wanted to adopt him, but it wasn’t allowed. It seemed the clinicians had all told me lies about being able to adopt him.
I hoped he was safe and happy in the clinic. I had gone there three times, asking to see him, but the staff wouldn’t let me. Not even Rosy.
I’d probably be too dumb to take care of him, anyway. The thought was such a bitter and raw one that it nearly made me cry on the spot. I went to the restroom so that I could cry, and then I went back to work and even managed to force a smile afterward.
__
I did two shifts; the morning and afternoon ones and was relieved when I got off work at about six in the afternoon.
While I was working earlier, I had several of my spells where I just dropped out of reality for seconds at a time—staring into space--staring into the world of the dark tower. I would come back to reality only to be confronted with the disappointed face of n angry customer, wondering why I wasn’t scanning their items or ringing them up.
When I arrived at the parking lot where my tiny, empty apartment stood, I no longer felt as happy about getting off work. I sat in my car in the parking lot for many minutes, just trying to destress and think of anything that made being outside of the clinic worthwhile. Unfortunately, it wasn’t working.
I kept thinking of Lyle.
When I first spawned about two years ago, I was disoriented and friendless. I had some memories from my past life as an aspiring engineer that confused me. I remembered flashes of how I had died and pieces of a life with a loving family that were hard for me to wrap my mind around. I started out at a different clinic, and that clinic was…
It was a true nightmare. The things I experienced and lived through in that place were things I couldn’t allow myself to think of on most days. It was a place that made me frightened and untrusting of every person I met.
Eventually, however, the abuse and unethical living conditions of the clinic were exposed and I was moved to a new clinic.
That’s where I met Lyle.
I was told that he was going to be my roommate. At first, we were both nervous around each other and kept our distance. But somehow, we eventually broke the ice.
Rosy helped. She always had a kind smile on her face, and she took the time to introduce me to Lyle and assure me that she was a friend and she would never let anything bad happen to me or Lyle under her care.
“This is your new room and your new roommate!” Rosy exclaimed as she opened a door at the end of a hallway for me. I looked at her worriedly.
She put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “Introduce yourself.”
I stepped inside.
I looked down at the child and realized how silly it was to be afraid of a six-year-old. I cleared my throat, trying to prove that I was an adult my introducing myself first. I held out a hand. “My name is Kay. It’s nice to meet you, Lyle.”
Lyle glanced at my hand, and then at Rosy.
“Shake his hand, Lyle.” Rosy prompted.
Lyle reached out his hand slowly. I took it and shook it gently. Shyly, Lyle replied to me, “It’s nice to meet you, too…”
After that, things remained awkward between the two of us for a week. I was glad that we shells didn’t spend much time in our rooms. We had activities lined up from eight in the morning to nine at night. We took little breaks in our rooms where toys and other activities were available to us, but we never spent more than fifteen minutes in our rooms at a time. During our breaks, me and Lyle typically went about doing our own preferred activities, but never played with or engaged one another.
Lyle liked playing with toys, and I liked listening to music and drawing.
Eventually, however, we broke the ice during one of our breaks.
I was sitting by the glass window in our room that let us look out on the employees of the facility as they walked by, and Lyle was playing with his toy dinosaurs.
A woman walked by—a red-headed woman with half-a-shaved-head and… Clownish makeup.
“Whoa…” I whispered to myself.
Lyle stopped playing with his dinosaurs for a moment. He looked over at me. “What?”
“You have to see this.” I told him.
He scooted over to where I was sitting. He pasted his nose and palms to the glass. He burst out laughing. “Wow! A real-life clown!” I burst out laughing, too.
For the rest of the day, we made clown jokes together, and then we became inseparable.
But now, I had no one to joke about clowns with. I had no one to talk to in general.
It wasn’t just Lyle I was missing. It was all my old shell friends from the clinic.
Especially Cherri. I missed her so much. It had been a year, but I still missed her.
Will you be my boyfriend?
Asking Dr. Green that so soon after her death felt like a complete betrayal of her memory. I didn’t know why I did it.
I am just a dumb shell after all… We have no deep emotions. Done with one thing and on to the next. I wiped away oncoming tears.
I thought of one thing that I did want to do. I wanted to make more graffiti.
Tonight was a Cherri night.
I spray painted her pretty face all over the city. Heart-shaped face, emerald green eyes, hair as red as flames, milky, soft skin… Gorgeous woman.
I couldn’t help myself; I snuck in a Dr. Green, too. He was as handsome as Cherri was pretty.
I went home after that and climbed right into bed.
I wondered what it was like to have things to look forward to. I wondered if Dr. Green had things to look forward to.
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