Ben

It was his idea. He asked Paul on a date. And the two of them are boyfriends now. Officially. All their friends know, people at school are gossiping, names have been mentioned to parents… It’s not like he has to seduce Paul during this date. He really shouldn’t be this nervous. But he can’t help it. It’s their first date. Hell, it’s his first date. He wants it to be perfect and magical.

Ben stares at himself in the mirror and he feels very self-conscious. He takes care of himself, but it’s more because he is healthy and organized than because he wants to look good. Today, however, he wants to look his best, and he just doesn’t quite know how. He doesn’t even know what Paul likes. Well… he must have liked something from Louie, but Ben doesn't look anything like him.

Ben grabs his phone and texts Max. He has been on dates before, and he is always super quick to answer.

He’s also been happier than Ben about the whole ‘getting a boyfriend’ situation. Which is both weird and endearing.

‘Man, I’m freaking out.’

‘It’s already Saturday afternoon and you still have some homework to do?’

‘Date with Paul.’

‘Need the sex talk?’

‘Shut up.

What do I wear?’

‘When did you turn into a 13 years old girl?’

‘When did you decide that being helpful was overrated?’

‘Fine.

The jeans you wore at Troy’s party.

The t-shirt we bought before the holidays.

The jacket you got for your birthday.

Condoms in the inside pocket’

‘Thanks for items 1 to 3. F off for item 4.’

‘Don’t blame me when Paul is too sexy and you can’t do anything about it because you’re unprepared.’

‘Don’t blame me when I stop acknowledging your texts’

‘When you type things like that, a fairy dies somewhere.’

The texts are obnoxious, but they still make Ben smile. Because he can see through Max’s façade and see the support there.

Ben hops in the shower and gets dressed exactly as Max suggested. He takes a look in the mirror and he doesn’t know what to think.

“How long have you been staring at yourself?” his mother asks in the doorframe, making him jump. “Don’t you know what happened to that god who looked at his reflection too much?”

“Narcissus. He drowned. And he wasn’t a god.”

His mother smiles. “Why the contemplation?”

“Do I look alright?”

His mother frowns, but her eyes go a little soft. “Of course you do. Where does this come from?”

“I’m going to meet Paul,” Ben admits, blushing a little.

“I don’t know how to break this to you, Honey, but he already knows what you look like.”

Ben rolls his eyes at her. Something he only dares to do when she is joking, never when she is serious. The woman is terrifying when she gets mad and he knows better than to give her attitude.

“It’s our first date.”

“Wasn’t the play your first date?”

“No… that wasn’t a date.”

Ben is nervous and his heart is beating fast. He has to leave in an hour, and he doesn’t know how to keep his mind busy in the meantime. He can’t focus on anything. The only thing he can do is be edgy and spiral.

“I see,” his mother says. “Come with me.”

Ben follows her to the kitchen where she starts making hot chocolate. Since he was a child, it has been the thing she does when he is upset. He doesn’t really know if it’s the drink or the tradition that comforts him, but it does. Every single time.

“First date, uh? Who asked the other?”

“I did.”

“That’s my boy! And where are you going? You said ‘in town’. That’s not very specific.”

“We’re going to go see a movie.”

“Which one?”

“We haven’t decided, but I think a love story.”

“Since when are you a romantic?”

“Since Paul.”

Ben knows it’s a corny and cliché answer, and for a minute he is so sure that his mother is going to make fun of him. But she doesn’t. She gave him the drink and she pours one for herself. She sits in front of him, and there is a dreamy smile on her face.

“I’m happy for you,” she says. “When you came out to me, I had this fear in my heart. That it would be harder for you to live the experiences other teenagers can have. Because there are fewer homosexual boys than heterosexual girls, and because the ones that are might not have admitted it to themselves or to the world yet. I was afraid… it would be lonely, you know? Plus you half mentioned that you just got your heart broken and I got even more afraid that because of it, you would jump on the first relationship you could find, even if… you didn’t particularly like the boy, or if he wasn’t age-appropriate… And I will admit to you that because of all of that, I wasn’t especially happy when you told me you had a boyfriend. I know you’re a smart kid, but… teenage brain, teenage heart, and teenage hormones make the smartest people make stupid decisions. But I also see your face when you talk about him. I’m not afraid anymore.”

Ben can’t really remember the last time his mother opened up and talked about her feelings. When he came out to her, he was very aware that it might pull them apart; he never thought that it might actually bring them closer.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she says after taking a sip, “I will still judge the boy for myself when I meet him. But I don’t believe you would make rushed choices anymore. I am so happy that you found someone that makes you happy so soon.”

“Me too,” Ben whispers. He, who is usually so good with words, doesn’t know how to put them on his relationship with Paul yet.

But then her facial expression changes and Ben wishes it hadn’t. Because he knows that face. He’s seen it once. He kind of hoped then that it would be the one and only time she would do this.

“But since you and Paul are dating, I think we need to talk about being safe again.”

“Mom, please, no!”

“Trust me, I don’t enjoy this talk either, but we need to have it.”

“We don’t. We really don’t. Just because boys are in the picture, the basics don’t change. Condoms every time. I remember.”

“Ben… it’s different having the talk because it might happen down the line, and having the talk because you are in a relationship. Boy or girl.”

“Mom, please. I’m not saying that I don’t want to have the talk – even though I really don’t – I’m saying that I don’t want to have that conversation now. I’m about to go on my first date with Paul… I don’t want to have that talk in my head the entire time. And it’s a first date. In a public place. There won’t be any sex.”

Ben doesn’t really remember having ever been more uncomfortable in his entire life.

“Fine. But there is the other big question.”

“Which is what?” Ben asks, mildly scared.

“When am I going to meet the boy?”

Ben lets out the breath he was holding and smiles. “Soon. I swear.” He glances at the clock. “I have to go, now.”

“Of course you do. I raised you better than being late on your first date. Have fun.”

Being with Paul feels right and easy. Comfortable. Since they started talking and shared that immediate connection, Ben always feels better and more relaxed when Paul is around.

For some reason, however, that magic doesn’t work today.

They decided to meet directly at the cinema, and since they got there, Ben has been nervous. Things feel awkward for some reason. Paul is as cute as ever – maybe more – and they chose the movie – a love story, what a surprise – quickly as if they were on the same page. Ben pays for the tickets, so Paul insists on buying the snacks. It doesn’t feel forced, it feels like they’ve done it a thousand times. So Ben doesn’t understand why something feels off.

And suddenly it clicks. It's the distance between them. They have never touched in public yet. Only in Ben’s car after the play. And if not touching feels normal at school, it doesn’t during a date.

Ben knows he could touch Paul. It’s not like it’s forbidden, it’s just… Georgia. But Ben also refuses to let society push him back in the closet. He has to find a balance with Paul that lets them be discreet without feeling like they could be hanging out with a friend.

Ben stands a bit closer to Paul in line and lets his hand brush against Paul’s. Paul is still staring at the screen announcing when the room will be open, but Ben can see him smile. Paul shifts to move closer and brush Ben’s fingers back. They’re not holding hands. They’re just… letting them touch. But here, in this open public space, it feels like the world.

The movie is definitely not the best Ben has ever seen. It doesn’t matter. First because it’s going to be one of his favorites now regardless of its quality. And second, because he can’t really focus anyway. He’s extremely aware of Paul’s proximity, and whenever he moves and they brush or touch, that point of contact fills his entire mind.

Within twenty minutes, he can’t take it anymore, and he puts his hand on Paul’s thigh. The other boy laces his finger through Ben’s.

From that moment, it’s like Paul turned into a magnet and, ever so slowly, Ben keeps getting closer. Halfway through the movie, they are leaning against one another.

Somewhere on their right, a couple starts kissing. Before long, they are having an almost indecent make out session. Ben knows that he couldn’t do that with Paul without people staring, commenting, or even maybe complaining. But even if he were allowed to, he doesn’t think he would want to. Obvious PDAs, from anyone, always make him slightly uncomfortable.

Soon enough, the couple leaves the room and Ben refuses to think about it.

The movie is nearly over. The couple finds their way to one another, nothing stands in the way of their love and they have a passionate kiss on the screen. Paul leans in and whispers in Ben’s ear. “I wish I could kiss you like that right now.”

Ben feels a smile spread on his face. He dares a quick, light, soft kiss on Paul’s lips.

“Mm,” Paul replies. “You will have to do better later.” Ben squeezes Paul’s fingers as a promise.

When they leave the cinema, it’s already getting darker. They didn’t make plans for after the movie, but Ben knows that he’s not ready for the date to end. He wants more time with Paul. Have an actual conversation with him. As if he could read his mind, Paul asks: “Hey… do you want to go somewhere?”

“Sure!” Ben laughs. “I was actually thinking coffee.”

“I was actually thinking something else,” Paul says.

“Like what?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Ben didn’t expect that. But he is so happy. It is proof that Paul was looking forward to today too. Ben still can’t believe he got the boy…

“Sounds great. Lead the way.”

Paul smiles, like he doubted that Ben would go for it, and Ben has this urge to kiss him. But there are a lot of people around, and Paul already started walking. The moment feels a little off.

Paul takes Ben to the most adorable second-hand bookshop he’s ever seen. Ben doesn’t know why Paul took him here, but he loves it already.

“So, I’ve actually seen this idea online,” Paul explains, “and it made me think of you straight away.”

Ben feels giddy. He literally can’t wait to know where Paul is going with this.

“We have ten minutes to look around the shop. We chose a book that would be perfect for us, not for the other one. Like if you find your favorite book, you take it. Then we buy it and we exchange it.”

Ben feels this rush of love for Paul run through his body. He quickly looks around. The bookseller is busy putting some books away and the other people there are a couple turning their back on them and a girl with blue hair and tattoos reading a book. No one is paying attention to them.

So Ben grabs Paul’s wrist, pulls him in, and kisses him. It’s a short kiss, but it’s a real kiss, with tongue and hand on the face.

When he pulls back, he can see a warm happy smile on Paul’s face. A bit of pride too, maybe.

“You will still have to do better later,” he teases. “Okay. Ten minutes. Ready?”

“Ready!”

Ben starts scanning the books. This place has a really interesting stock, and he makes a mental note to come back later.

He absolutely adores Paul’s idea, but he also finds it very difficult. It almost isn’t choosing one book, it is letting go of all the unchosen ones. Then he stops in front of a book that he has never read before, even he should have by now. He was always put off by the symbolism behind it.

When Ben pays for the book, Paul is already waiting outside.

“So,” he says as he steps outside. “What do you have for me?”

Paul smiles and hands Ben a used copy of the first Harry Potter. “It’s a bit cliché, but it’s my favorite book,” Paul explains. “And I know that, like everyone, you probably already have a copy of that book, but there is a twist. Look at the cover.”

“Harry Potter and the philosopher’s stone,” Ben reads at loud.

“It’s the UK version,” Paul explains. “Apparently, some words and spellings are different. I thought it might talk to your English nerd side.”

“It does. I love it! I’ll happily own twenty versions of the book if they all come from you.”

Paul smiles and takes the book that Ben is now handing him. Paul’s eyes widen in surprise. “The autobiography of Benjamin Franklin.” Ben loves how Paul sounds way more interested than confused.

“It’s on my bucket list. My father was reading it when my mother was pregnant and it’s partly why they chose my name. I have the book at home, the actual copy that my father was reading, but I was always intimidated by it. I think I’m ready to read it now. It’s probably not the most exciting read, but…”

“I’m sure I’ll love it,” Paul replies. “You could have given me a dictionary that I would read it. And we can have a secret book club.”

Ben likes how nerdy that sounds.

“It will have to wait a bit, though. I have to re-read Harry Potter in its original spellings first…”

Ben walks Paul to his car. The parking lot is completely empty and they can finally share their first real kiss of the day. The kind that makes Ben forget to breathe, sometimes, and leaves him astonished when his body reminds him that he does, in fact, need oxygen more than kisses.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Paul asks.

“I am going to the park with Leo, Max and a few guys from the team and we are going to use the basketball court.”

“Sounds fun. I guess. Well, I’ll just see you Monday then.”

“No. I mean, sure, you will see me Monday, but you could also join us tomorrow.”

“You want me to play basketball?”

“Could be fun.”

Paul sighs. “It probably won’t be. Have you seen me in PE? I’m a mess. But I really want to see you tomorrow.”

Ben smiles. “Should I come and pick you up? Around two?”

‘It’s a date,” Paul whispers before going for another goodbye kiss.

Ben is in his bed, reading the British English version of Harry Potter when his phone buzzes. It’s a text from Paul.

‘Because I am the worst boyfriend on the planet, I forgot to thank you for the most amazing date ever.’

‘😊 To be fair, it was just a movie.’

‘It was a movie – with you.’

‘I see your point.

I would gladly go to a knitting session if it’s with you.’

‘I mean… I’m going to play basketball tomorrow.

I must really like you.’

‘❤'

‘❤'

‘See you tomorrow.’

‘You too.

Sweet dreams.’

Ben doesn’t remember why he was so nervous. Today was great. Today was perfect.

He falls asleep with a smile on his face.