Lilac - Growth

Donovan

January 01, 2019

I'm doing better. I started to become confident in my decision making. Dad is talking to me. He's really trying and I'm happy. I can't believe school is starting tomorrow. I'm not excited, but the school year's nearly over.

I can't wait to leave. I applied to schools all over the world. I loved my parents, but I needed to leave this place. It makes me too sad. Maybe people will accept me when I leave.

I've never done New Years resolutions before. Mum suggested it and I obliged.

1. Be confident

2. Be cool.

3. Be happy

I've got my work cut out.

Donovan King

I closed my journal and set it under my pillow. Journal writing has been very therapeutic for me so far. I like it much more than the audiobooks. I got off my bed with a stretch. 

I tried to ignore what happened between Jeremy and me. Just think about it made me anxious. I'd rather pretend as if everything is okay, rather than dwelling on it. I've always been good at pretending. I just need more practice.

Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it. My parents were sitting on the couch having tea. They left a cup for me and I felt grateful. 

"Good Morning!" I chirped.

"Good morning love," mum said and kissed my cheek.

"Good Morning Don." Dad ruffled my hair and I felt so content.

I took a seat and sipped my tea; Earl Grey, my favourite.

"Any plans for today?" Mum asked as she scrolled through her phone.

"No. I'll just chill out here. Do you have plans?

"No. I'm a little tired after watching the fireworks. Your father and I will take it easy today."

"Oh."

I continued sipping my tea.

My mood suddenly changed and I felt miserable. I bet there were lots of teenagers hanging out with their friends today. My mind instantly returned to Jeremy. Even though I didn't want to think of him.

I managed to make Jeremy angry and now I don't have any friends now. All I remember was Rory crying as Jeremy carried him inside. Then I heard Rory cry even louder. When Jeremy came back out, his T-shirt was drenched in tears and his eyes were red. I was too scared to ask him anything. His facial expression said it all. He was angry. When he told me bye, I felt the hostility. He'd never spoken to me like that. He said that I always apologize and I guess that's annoying to him. I'm annoying. I'm overbearing. I'm clingy. I've lost my first friend in a matter of months.

"Are you okay Don?" Her face showed concern.

I was about to say nothing, then I remembered her comment about me not telling her anything.

"I don't think Jeremy likes me anymore."

"Why not?" Dad asked. He looked confused and I couldn't blame him.

"I think I made him angry. I'm always so insecure and I think I annoyed him. I totally understand his frustration with me. He always gives me compliments and I take them. Sometimes, I'd just disagree with his compliments and I can see his annoyance with me, but he doesn't say anything. I always try to push things on him. I always force him to eat healthily and do other stuff. I don't think it's fair on my part. It's just been so long. I never had friends before and the one person that seems to like me, is absolutely irritated with me at this moment and I feel so helpless."

My cup of tea became very interesting. It's much more interesting than watching my parent's faces.

"I'm forty and I'm still learning this. Communicate with him. Don't sit there having a pity party. I've met him two times and each time, he seemed to be so interested in you. And it's obvious he cares and he cherishes the friendship. Something might have happened that made him react like that. Don't lose faith yet." Dad gave a reasonable and logical explanation. However, it's easier to think with my negative emotions than logic. In every scenario that I created, I was wrong and I'd end up alone.

"Thanks, Dad. I'm going to my room."

I stood up and took my empty cup to the kitchen sink. "You didn't have breakfast," Dad said as he got up to prepare me something.

"I'm not hungry, Dad."

I washed my cup and walked back to my room. I closed the door. I'm pathetic. I'm absolutely pathetic. That's why nobody likes me.

No matter how much my parents boosted me up, they aren't with me on a daily basis. They aren't with me when people are looking at me funny. They aren't with me when nobody wants me to sit near them. If I let the flowers go and the nail polish go, I'd be considered normal. They're just accessories. They aren't a part of me. Even though I'm insecure it seems as if, I'm lowkey very proud and full of myself. I'm afraid of rejection, yet I walk around wearing things that'll make me be rejected. I bet, if I didn't wear flowers every day, more people would like me. Then, I wouldn't have to depend on Jeremy. Since he obviously didn't like me anymore.

I angrily got off my bed and pushed all my flowers in a corner. All the vines, petals and twine fell to the floor with a thud.

I felt disgusted with myself. Maybe Mr Richards was right. I was asking for this. Maybe I liked the negative attention. Any attention is good attention, right? I'm so attention deprived that I need people to pay attention to me. The more I think about myself the more I hate myself.

I started to look for the nail polish remover and cotton balls. When I found them, I intensively started to remove the nail polish. I rubbed so hard, my fingers became bruised. I threw the bottle to the side and shoved my face into my pillow and screamed into it. Getting out of this headspace has always been hard for me. Hiding under all the fake positivity is a sad and pathetic person.

"Donovan?"

No answer.

"I'm coming in."

The door closed slightly and my bed dipped beside me.

"Why did you destroy your stuff?"

He got off of the bed and started picking them off the floor. I'd never imagined my Dad picking up my flowers off the floor. He sat back on the bed and I sat up. I pulled my legs closer to my body.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know."

He scoffed. "If this is going to work, we have to communicate with each other. I made the mistake and I nearly lost you. What's wrong?"

"I don't have friends. Nobody likes me. Jeremy doesn't like me anymore. I officially don't have any friends and I'm back to being lonely. I can't stand it, Dad. I don't like being alone," I choked out.

"What's wrong with being alone?"

"When I'm alone, I'm lonely. I don't have anyone around. I can't stand it."

"Come here."

I didn't hesitate to crawl into his arms. He rubbed my back sporadically.

"I missed you, Dad."

"I know. I missed you too.”

I've been crying a lot lately.

"Do you think that you can tell me why you like nail polish?"

I hid my face in his neck. "I don't like nail polish, anymore."

"Aren't your nails green right now?"

"No. I took it off."

"I thought you liked it?"

"I do, but I think if I change I'll get more friends."

"Oh no. Don't change. Don't ever change. I love you just the way you are."

"But I don't love me. I hate myself so much. Why can't I be normal?"

"Normal is boring.”

He set me down and went to get my nail polish collection. "I think cherry red would look good on me. What do you think?"

I didn't know what to say. I'd never imagine my dad being interested in anything that I do.

"I don't know."

He handed me the bottle and put his hands out.

"Do you know how to do the little designs?"

I only nodded.

"Okay great. Can I get a crown? It's a play on our last name."

"Dad, you don't have to do this for me."

"This is for me."

I opened the bottle and started painting his nails. His hands were calloused and bruised. His nails looked as if he bit on them every chance he got.

"I'm not doing a good job."

"I think you're doing great."

I really wasn't doing a good job. The tears blurred my vision and I put nail polish all over his fingers.

"Where's the crown?"

"Maybe next time. I know it looks absolutely horrible, but enjoy."

"I love it. I grew up in a time where men had to be a certain way and there's a lot of things I need to unlearn. I'm going to become a man, you'll be proud of."

I could only nod.

"Also... about Jeremy. Is there anything going on with you, besides friendship. I- I support you no matter what. I just want to be aware... as a parent."

And just like that things got put into a different perspective. I honestly felt attacked.

"I don't understand the question."

"Forget it. I feel like it's a persona-"

"No! Tell me," I quickly interrupted. I separated from him and set my feet on the floor.

"Well, I don't feel like the question is appropriate. I'm making an assumption and it's not fair to you."

"Dad. It's fine."

"Are you gay?" He blurted out. His hands quickly covered his mouth after. "I'm sorry."

Am I gay?

I never thought of it before. I've never liked anyone. I've honestly never found anyone attractive in my entire life.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Do you like Jeremy?"

"I do."

"Romantically?"

"I don't know."

"This conversation is going south very quickly. I regret even bringing it up. It's New Years. Let's go to the beach. Be ready on 10."

Dad quickly got up and exited the room.

As I sat on my bed, a million thoughts passed through my mind. I've never thought of my sexuality before.

I've always thought that nobody would ever want me. I never bothered to look at anyone romantically. I'm seventeen and I've never had a crush. How pathetic am I?

I felt so helpless.

Do I like him?

Do I like Jeremy?

Am I happy that we're friends or am I happy to be around him because I want more?

One thing's for sure.

I am absolutely scared.