Hyacinth - Forgiveness

Donovan

Mr. Williams has always been a friendly face. If I had to think of him as a person and not a student, I'd say he was really pretty. Sitting here and watching him up close, was a different experience than seeing him in class. He was a Korean person that was born here in the Caribbean. His accent is the same as ours, with slight differences when he says certain words. Which is totally understandable. Thinking back to my first time meeting him, I didn't pay attention to those things.

When I first came to school his hair was jet black and now it's silver. His bold hair colour drew me to him even more. Whenever I asked him questions, he always answered me with no problems. He was the nicest teacher in the school so far. Although his fashion sense worried me at times, he was an amazing person.

"What's wrong Donovan?" The way his voice sounded made me feel safe.

"Students in the class told me some really hurtful things... I don't want to call names." I didn't want anyone to call me a snitch, even though Jeremy already spilled everything.

"How can I fix this problem, if you don't want to give me names?" His eyes rolled in annoyance.

"I'm scared."

"Donovan, I can punish the entire class. At this point, I'm not even bothered. They already annoyed me with the bad grades."

I was shocked by his admission. "It was Melissa and Nina."

"Ooh, was Jeremy right? Did they really tell you those things?"

He raked his fingers through his hair and let out a sigh. The rings on his fingers caught my eye. He wore two silver bands on his ring finger. Was he married?

"I'm... annoyed. There's zero tolerance for bullying, especially in my classroom."

"I'm sorry. If I wasn't so weird, they wouldn't bully me."

Mr. Williams scoffed. "You're kidding, right? How can you blame yourself? They're the ones with issues and they're going to solve it today."

"What if things get worse?"

"I don't want bullies in my class. So they're going to apologize to you right this instant." He clenched his fist as if he was some sort of superhero.

It made me laugh a bit.

"On another note, what's up with Jeremy? He's very emotional." He directed all his attention to me.

"I don't know."

"He looked angrier than you. I've had instances where Jeremy was annoyed or when he said things out of term. However, I've never seen him like this."

I could only shrug my shoulders. I appreciated the fact that he tried to defend me. I just wanted to be able to defend myself. When those girls attacked me, I thought I'd find there guts to fire back at them, but I could only remain silent.

I'm a coward.

"You have a good friend. You guys should talk."

"I'm tired of being weak. Jeremy always defends me. When something happens, I freeze and I get scared. I don't want to be dependent on him."

"I see. I totally understand this, but while you're working on building your confidence, it wouldn't hurt knowing that someone had your back. Right?"

I've realized that I hate logical and rational forms of advice. When I get emotional, I want everyone else to join me in my pity party.

"I'm sorry for burdening you with my problems. Thank you, sir."

"Hmm, you're deflecting. Okay."

He was about to continue, but his phone rang. He quickly answered it.

"Hey, I'm not buying a perfume set for Lou and mailing it. Do you know how complicated that is?" He rolled his eyes. "You really think that I'm the softer parent. I bet if you asked your Dad, he'd say no too. It's not even Lou's birthday for another two months. When the time comes, we will buy something."

He listened intently to the voice on the phone and he sighed. "No, we won't buy you a plane ticket, Brandon. Just call Lou. Isn't that your thing?"

"Put your father on the phone." Mr Williams paused for a moment and sent me an apologetic expression. "You know if you just told him no, we wouldn't have this problem. You spoil him too much. Yeah Yeah. Love you too. See ya."

The entire conversation confused me.

"Sorry, my kid always wants to mail things to his friend who is abroad, but that's too much. His dad was right there, yet he called me to ask. I don't get it."

His dad? Isn't Mr Williams the dad?

"His dad? You're his dad?"

Mr. Williams started laughing. "Oh, I'm sorry. I have a husband and we have a son. Anyway, let's go back to class. I have some punishments to hand out."

He stood up and dusted off his pants as if his admission meant nothing. The way he casually said that he had a husband threw me off.

"Wait. You're gay?" I'm so shameless.

"Yup. Why?"

"No reason."

He squinted his eyes at me. "You know, if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here."

Before I could sensor myself, I blurted it out. "How did you know that you were gay?"

"At an early age, I realized that I didn't want a girlfriend, I just wanted a boyfriend."

Was it really that simple? Could I person just wake up someday and realize that they liked the opposite sex?

"I... never looked at anyone romantically."

"That's okay. You're still young. There's no rush. Before looking at someone romantically, you have to look at yourself first. You need to find your identity before you think of being with someone. The last thing you want is a broken heart."

I don't know myself. I honestly don't know who I am.

"Thank you. I'll take that into consideration."

"No matter what you identify as and what you're sexuality is, you're still Donovan."

Mr. Williams offered his hand and helped me up. "By the way, I miss the flowers."

He turned and walked back to the class as I followed behind. Melissa and Nina apologized. He made them give two seminars on why bullying is wrong to the freshman class. After our talk, he constantly checked up on me.

I liked it.

                                                               🌔

Dad called me five minutes ago and said he's running late because of work. It's now 2:30 and the school was nearly empty. I walked to the gate and stood there, hoping for him to magically appear. After ten minutes, he didn't and I started to become nervous. The school was basically empty at this point besides a few teachers and security guards. I started to grow restless.

"Oof."

I nearly fell to the ground from the impact. Arms hugged me tightly then let me go.

"Donovan!" Rory screeched. "Hi!"

He wore a white karate outfit with a blue belt. He started doing kicks and hand movements in front of me.

"Rory, don't run off like that," his mother yelled. She started running towards us with Jeremy right behind. Rory ignored her and ran to my side.

"We can go home right now," she asserted. "I'm waiting."

Rory hesitantly walked over to her. "Sorry, Mum."

"Why are you sorry?"

"Sorry for running away from you. I know it's dangerous."

"If you know it's dangerous, don't do it. You're safety is important."

He gave her a quick hug. "Okay. Let's go." He jumped up. "I'm ready to kick some butt today."

She let out a sigh. "Hi Donovan. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Thank you. How are you?"

I watched Jeremy from my peripheral. His hands were shoved in his pocket.

"I'm good. I hate this weather. I know we live in the Caribbean, but it's hot." I could see the sweat trickle down her forehead. "Anyways, Rory has karate practice." She stopped and looked around for a second. "Where is Rory?"

Rory was nowhere in sight. "This kid will be the death of me. Nice seeing you." She rushed into the school. Rory is going to give his mother a heart attack.

Jeremy slowly approached me. He offered me a smile. I couldn't find the energy to smile back.

"Donovan."

"Hi, Jeremy."

"I'm sorry about today."

"I noticed that all we ever do is apologize to each other. Can we just forget about everything and start over."

"No. I'd like for us to talk..."

I don't think I wanted to talk. I stayed quiet and looked away.

"I feel like I screwed things up for Christmas."

I clutched my bag and flexed my shoulders. "Well, things were weird before that. I think I'm a better actor than I thought."

"Donovan, what are you talking about?"

"I don't know."

We stood there, quietly watching each other.

"Can you just talk to me. I feel like I'm losing you. It hasn't been that long."

"I don't know what to say."

"Are you made about Christmas. I can understand if you are. I was an idiot."

"I'm not. You already apologized for it."

"Then what is it? I'm losing my mind, Donovan. I didn't realize how much your presence and personality affected me until now. I've been miserable this week."

I'm trying to be tough and strong and he tells me this. All my restraints have flown out the window.

"I don't like it when you stand up for me," I whispered. I felt pathetic.

The confusion was written on his face. "What?"

"I want to be able to stand up for myself. So far, I've relied on you. I want to be able to rely on myself. I feel like you might see me as someone you need to protect and not an equal." I couldn't look at him. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

"How long have you felt like this?"

"It's always been in the back of my mind. It just became apparent recently."

"I didn't realize that. I'm sorry. I never ever want you to feel helpless. Whenever I see something bad happening to you, my common sense disappears and I just want to protect you. I didn't think about your feelings." Jeremy moved closer to me and I instantly became breathless. This feeling was a lot different than what I felt for Christmas. Everything my father said was now put into perspective. His facial features became sharper. His good deeds and everything about him was highlighted in my memory. In my mind, he was perfect for me and this realization has made things ten times worse.

Dad's question kept relaying in my head.

Are you gay?

Am I?

"I'm so stupid for being mad at you. It's not even your fault. This is my problem that I need to work on. I'm sorry. Next time, I'll make sure to tell you how I feel."

"I'll pay more attention so that I can pick up on your feelings. Can we hug now?"

I could only nod. Jeremy opened his arms and I slipped right in. The way I fit into his arms, gave me chills. I never wanted to leave. Do I even deserve to be his friend now that I have a crush on him?

He softly touched my hair. “I missed this.”

Beep Beep.

Dad was here and the look on his face was killer.

I instantly pulled away from Jeremy and made eye contact with him through the window. "Let me walk you." He insisted and pulled me towards the car. He was going to open the car door then he stopped and stepped back.

"I'm sorry."

There wasn't anything that he could do to make me not like him at this point. I opened the door and step in. I pulled my seat belt on.

"Hey Dad."

"Hi Don. Hi Jeremy. What's up?" Dad was very enthusiastic. His tone of voice didn't match his face.

"Hello sir. Nothing much."

"Did you make up with Donovan?"

"Yes, sir! I did. We just spoke."

"Dad, don't." I instantly felt embarrassed. I didn't need my father interfering like this.

"Glad you did. Don has been sulking. Now he's back to normal. I'm happy."

I groaned. "Bye Jeremy. See you on Monday."

"Bye. I'll text you if I find my phone. I always lose it. I'm going to watch Rory practice. See you later. Drive safely."

He extended his hand to shake my Dad's hand. Dad firmly shook his hand then he stuck his hand out to me. I instantly held his hand in mine and he slightly shook it. I'll never get tired of seeing the contrast between our hands.

"Bye Jeremy."

Dad pulled out of the parking lot.

"I have a question."

He kept his eye on the road.

"Ask away."

"Do you get nervous when you and Jeremy exhibit public displays of affection?"

"I don't understand."

"Two guys, standing in front of the school in an embrace... do you— are you not worried about what people might say or do?"

"We're friends. It doesn't matter."

He sighed. "I get that, but do other people know that. I get nervous sometimes. After what happened at your old school, I've always been so scared for you. I might not have showed it, but there were times your mother and I freaked out."

Even when I'm trying to be normal, I find a way to burden others.

"I'm not saying that people have a right to even assume things, or try to hurt you. I just get scared regardless. Our society isn't an accepting one. I just can't see you getting hurt again."

This time he looked at me for a few moments before turning back to the road.

"I understand, Dad. I'll be more careful. I appreciate your concern."

"I love you Donovan."

"I love you too."