Ben

“What are you doing on Sunday?” Ben stopped by Paul’s locker before school. It’s been two weeks since they could spend time together out of school, and it was with the boys from the team, so it barely counts. Sure, they communicate every night on various devices or apps, but it’s not the same as talking to the other person directly. Being able to touch. Kiss.

Paul seems to be on the same page because his face lights up instantly.

“Absolutely nothing I wouldn’t drop for you,” he replies. “Basketball at the park?”

“Actually… would you like to come over?”

Paul’s smile shrinks slightly. “To your house?”

“Yes,” Ben replies, confused, unsure of where Paul’s reluctance comes from.

“And meet your mom?”

Oh. That didn’t even cross Ben’s mind, if he’s being honest. “No, she… she has a shift on Sunday. It would be… just you and me…”

On Paul’s face, Ben can now see the same mix of excitement and apprehension he feels too. “I would love that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah!”

Ben feels a weight lift from his chest and he only now realizes that he was afraid that Paul would say no. If they weren’t in school – or maybe just if they weren’t both boys – Ben would dare a kiss right now.

It was a good idea in his head, it was a good idea when he asked Paul, it is a terrible idea now…

Paul could be here any minute now and Ben is nervous. He doesn’t really know why. There is nothing he wants more than spending time with his boyfriend, and it’s not as if any of their time out of school so far didn’t go smoothly, it’s just… this is completely new to him. He never had a boy over like that. Sure, Max was here many times even when his mother wasn’t home, but that doesn’t compare at all.

With Paul, there is a lot of questions that keep spinning in his mind. Is the bedroom off-limit? If not, where is the line? Do they need to talk about it? Ben doesn’t really expect anything from Paul, but maybe his boyfriend does…

How can he look forward to something so much and still be lowkey terrified by it?

When Paul arrives, Ben is still nervous. He lets him in but he doesn’t go for a kiss. He isn’t entirely sure why, but he remembers the day they went to the park and how they shared a nervous kiss. That’s not the way he wants to greet his boyfriend. He wants Paul to see him as the confident boy he wishes to be…

Then again, maybe that wasn’t the best decision. He is still nervous, things are now a bit awkward, and the only thing he can think about is kissing him.

Why can’t he just be smooth and charming instead of a shy mess?

He is doing much better via texts or in school – he isn’t reduced to silence by Paul’s presence anymore, which massively helps. But when it’s just the two of them… it’s like he still needs a few moments to adjust.

It might be Ben’s timidity, or he might just still be a bit intimidated by Paul. Ben almost expected his infatuation to shrink, or at least change, once he would have had the chance to spend time with Paul, but it just keeps getting stronger. So far, he has loved every moment they spent together.

“So… this is my house,” Ben says, knowing how stupid the words are the moment they leave his mouth. He just felt the need to fill the silence with anything.

He sort of hoped that Paul would take the lead and kiss him first, breaking the awkwardness. But this is new for him too, and he is the one in an unknown place.

Ben isn’t phased or afraid by this tension between them. Although it’s been a month, they are still very much in the discovery phase of this relationship. They will find their balance, he knows it. Someday soon, they will greet each other without even thinking about it.

“Are you hungry? My mom made brownies.”

“Who would I be to say no to homemade brownies?”

They go to the kitchen and Ben gets the treats his mother baked, probably as a response to what happened last weekend… but Ben doesn’t want to think about that now.

“What do you want to do?” Ben asks handing a brownie to Paul. “We could go to town. Or stay in and watch a movie.”

“I’d like to stay in,” Paul replies. He has this spark in his eyes and for a second, the two boys perfectly understand each other. Ben leans over the counter and gently pulls Paul in for a kiss.

Just like that, the tension is broken and the nervousness fades away.

“I’m not really hungry anymore,” Paul whispers and Ben can’t help the smile spreading in his face.

“Would you like to see my bedroom?”

“I don’t know. Is it a nice bedroom?”

“It’s a very nice bedroom.”

“I still don’t know… I might need a bit more convincing.”

Ben pulls Paul for another kiss.

Walking while kissing is harder than Ben thought, but his lips are magnetized to Paul’s. He doesn’t even remember why he was nervous about this. Kissing Paul is clearly the greatest activity ever.

They collapse on the bed and Ben silently checks with Paul that he’s okay with the situation. As a reply, Paul’s hand lands on Ben’s neck and he pulls him in for another kiss.

After a couple of minutes, Ben ends up on top of Paul. His shirt slightly moves up in the process and Paul’s fingers touch the skin on Ben’s sides. His body ignites in the most delightful way. Ben lets his lips explore Paul’s neck and he loves every hitched breath he gets in return.

Paul’s fingers slide under Ben’s T-shirt and he breaks the kiss to look at his boyfriend, a question in his eyes. He looks nervous, and that reassures Ben somehow. He nods and Paul pulls it over Ben’s head.

Ben feels a bit self-conscious. He is sometimes shirtless at practice, but he doesn’t care what his teammates think of him. It’s different with Paul. He stops worrying when he sees the way Paul looks at him. It makes him feel hot. In every way.

Paul runs his fingers on Ben’s abs. “Wow. We can literally count them…” Ben feels his cheeks heat-up and he kisses his boyfriend again. Paul’s hands are all over his skin. He has fantasized about this before – Paul touching him – but this doesn’t even compare.

Ben grabs the bottom of Paul’s shirt, but the other boy has a weird reaction. Ben gets the message immediately. Paul isn’t comfortable with that. Fine. Ben is fine staying on this side of the line.

The kissing resumes. It is a combination of sweet, passionate, exciting, soft…

Ben doesn’t know how he’ll ever feel like he had enough…

For the most part of the afternoon, the boys alternate between kissing, talking, cuddling… Ben has no regret about canceling basketball today.

“Hey, Ben? What are you thinking about?”

Ben’s mind keeps going back to the previous weekend and Paul picked up on that. Ben wasn’t ready to bring it up, but now that Paul asked, he really wants to tell him. They are in a relationship and that means sharing these things. He links his fingers through Paul’s and plays with them while he looks for the best way to explain what happened. “There is something I haven’t told you… I haven’t told anyone, really. I just needed time to process it, I think.”

Paul’s grey eyes immediately find Ben’s, a gentle question in them. There is this look on his face that hit Ben right in the heart even when they were barely talking to each other, the one that makes you feel that Paul truly and genuinely cares about whoever he is looking at.

“My dad came to visit last weekend.”

“I know.” Ben can hear in Paul’s tone that he knew Ben hadn’t told him everything.

When his father came, Ben saw it as an opportunity to come out to him face to face. He talked to Paul about it beforehand, when he was nervous about it. He talked to him afterward when it went well and his somewhat conservative father surprised him with his openmindedness and how easily he accepted this new information about his son.

But if Ben shared part of his conversation with his father, he hasn’t talked yet about the reason he drove over two hundred and fifty miles in the first place just to visit for a day. Paul asked, once, but didn’t push when Ben dodged the question. As if he trusted that this moment would happen on its own.

“He had something to tell me too.” Paul stays silent, simply looking at Ben, waiting for him to be ready to share. “He is starting a new family.”

“Oh. Is it a vague plan, or…”

“My stepmom is due in June.”

“Oh,” Paul repeats. “Did you know they were trying?”

“No. I think that part of me knew it was coming, but I never really thought about it either.”

“And… are you happy about it?”

Ben is relieved that Paul didn’t immediately assume that it would be good news. As if he were allowing Ben to have mixed feelings about the whole thing.

“I am… overwhelmed, I guess. I’m still processing. I’m not unhappy about it, I’m not upset about it, but… I’m not excited either. Is it weird?”

“Not really. At some point, it will become real and you’ll know how you feel then.”

“I’m afraid that it won’t be a good feeling. I don’t want to resent that baby.”

“Then I don’t think you will. Do you have a difficult relationship with your stepmom?”

“Not really. She’s nice enough, I just don’t really know her. It’s partly my fault, I’m not that interested in knowing her, however childish that sounds.”

“No, I get it. At least… I think I get it. My parents are still together, so it’s not like I know what it’s like, but I understand where you’re coming from.”

Ben smiles and softly runs his thumb across Paul’s cheek. “I’m so grateful for you,” he whispers.

Paul seems surprised. “Why?”

Ben shrugs. “When I moved here, Max and I clicked instantly. Not just because we knew each other. I think… we’re just compatible, you know? I think I can honestly say that he became my best friend. I can tell him anything. But this… I didn’t want to tell him about the baby until I could put words on how I feel about it. On the other hand, in the first couple of months, I couldn’t talk to you. I found you so intimidating. But now that I can talk to you, I want to tell you things that I don’t want to tell anyone else… you always listen, you always understand… I feel safe. Is that cheesy?”

Paul shakes his head. “No. It’s actually the greatest thing anyone ever told me. I feel safe too when I’m with you.”

“Okay. Tell me something no one else knows about you, then,” Ben replies with a smile.

Paul thinks about it for a few seconds and Ben is glad that he takes it seriously. That he is trying to share something that will match the confidence he made.

“I’m afraid that I’m going to let you down.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are this amazing guy, you’re hot, smart, generous, humble… for some reason, you had a crush on me for months, you have been very patient, and… I’m just me, you know? I’m afraid that at some point, you will realize that you had a crush on the idea of me and the real me can’t compete.”

Ben doesn’t want to dismiss that fear just for the sake of it. He wants to do it properly. This is too important. He slides closer to Paul and kisses him. Not to start another make-out session, just to communicate his feelings. “Paul… I do know that the idea I had of you and the real you are going to be two very different things. So far, though, there is nothing about the real you that has disappointed me. You told me once that I was more than enough. That I was wonderful. Well, you’re wonderful too. You also need to stop having such a high image of me. Otherwise, I’ll be the one disappointing you.”

“No, that’s not possible,” Paul replies before kissing Ben back. This time, it feels like the beginning of another make-out session.

Later that evening, Ben texts Paul.

‘My pillow smells like you…’

‘I’m jealous.

My pillow smells like detergent.

I would love for it to smell like you.’

‘Then maybe next time we should fool around in your bed…’

‘I would love that.

But good luck finding a moment without any member of my family around…’

‘Fine.

I’ll just give you my pillow then.’

‘Sounds great.

But let’s not skip the fooling around part.’

No. Let’s not.