Fuck.

I don’t even know how I should preface this, because I’m high on drugs with really fancy names that were given to me by a nurse with a really simple name, and it sucks because I have no idea what she’s called, or what the drugs are called, so basically, everything is terrible, and everything is great. Because I don’t want to go through the experience of how much of an idiot I am, I’m going to call this day the ‘fish incident’ (and future David better hell well know what that’s referring to because fucking hell you won’t ever forget this day I swear to God).

Yeah…

Soooooo, first of all, I was about to tell you why I should be president of the earth, but then I realized that wasn’t why I asked the nurse with a simple name for a piece of paper and a pen when I reread my first sentence and yeah…

Anyway!

I almost died. That sucked. Loads of pain. LOADS AND LOADS AND LOADS OF PAIN.

I guess it’s happened to me in the past, where… you know, some old lady was chasing me with a knife because I fell into her swimming pool drunk, and I kind of had this thought like: is this how I die?

Buuuuut, after almost dying for real yesterday, I know now that you don’t really have time to think. It’s more like: shit, shit, shit, shit, I’m dying—and then there’s nothing. And I don’t know why but writing this story down is scarier than actually living it, because you don’t have time to be afraid either, when you’re actually in the moment.

I guess I’m writing this down because I feel like it’s something I’ll forget once I’m better, and I still wanted to put that thought somewhere since (I’m hoping) it won’t be something I experience a lot.

Sorry, diary, my dude/dudette, I’m trying real hard to keep my train of thought but my brain is failing. It feels like everything is fuzzy, like a swarm of bees are buzzing in my ears.

I really like Alex. Like, I love him a lot.

Yeah.

You know, when I woke up I was in the hospital and it was like woah, what the fuck happened here? And then I got kind of scared because I didn’t know anyone, and all the noises in the room suddenly sounded louder and I wanted to scream, and cry, and ask for help at the same time.

I shut my eyes tight and hoped it would be over, and then someone took my hand, and I think I really did scream a little because it surprised me and they jumped back.

When I blinked, Alex was standing right before me. I thought he would call me stupid for not saying anything when we went out to eat, or that he’d be mad—at least a little—but he just sat down on the chair next to my bed and rested his head against the mattress.

He didn’t want to let go of my hand. I don’t think I wanted him to let go either. It’s hard to remember if the nurse was still in the room because I was fixated on Alex’s hair. It was soft, and brushed against my knee.

I’d never seen him be this silent before.

Wow, I thought, he must really be angry if he doesn’t even know what to say.

But then his shoulders started trembling, and the skin on my leg was damp. For a moment, I wondered if I was bleeding. I asked the nurse, who was apparently back in the room (or she had never left? I dunno), she said that was impossible.

Then, our exchange kind of went a little something like this:

“Why not? I’m in the hospital.”

“Yes, but you aren’t in here for that kind of injury.”

“Oh, right, my bad.”

And that’s when Alex started apologizing, and just crying his eyes out, and saying things about brain damage I couldn’t really understand. The nurse told him it was just the medication I was on, but it didn’t seem to calm him down at all. I mean, in this weird kind of creepy way he was calm (it’s like he was crying without making a sound wtf man), but he was also flooding my blanket with sadness juice.

As I watched Alex break down, I started to regret coming here. It was like I was just making his life harder, and I was an idiot for thinking it could work out. And let’s be honest, it was probably also the meds that were making me emotional, but I finally found the courage to apologize after all this time, somehow. So I said, “Sorry.”

I told him I was useless.

I said I could go back home if he wanted me to and was sick of my bullshit.

I said, “I love you,” again, and then, “I’m sorry,” when I realized he wasn’t going to reply.

Our eyes met for the first time that day. Alex paused. The red swelling around his lids made me think this wasn’t the first time he cried today. He said he was the one who was useless. I told him that wasn’t true. “You saved me.”

The nurse chimed in, too. “It’s true,” she rested her hand against Alex’s shoulder. “You did save him,” she said. “If you hadn’t gone find the ambulance, it’s likely he would have suffered actual brain damage.”

And, damn, diary, that’s some scary shit to think about. I’m so glad Alex did that. He’s literally my hero.

I was about to thank the nurse, and Alex had stopped cry, but then she said, “You’re so lucky to have such an amazing girlfriend,” and I wanted to die.

Diary, why the fuck does everything have to be so complicated?

I could tell Alex had tensed under her touch, too, it was so fucking awkward, man.

Yeah… Then she left, and me and Alex basically argued about who was the most useless, and afterwards I guess it turned into a general talk about what we were both freaking out over during these past few days. So in the end, it wasn’t all bad. Everything is out in the open now (even though I’m still speechless because apparently Alex thought I didn’t like him that much?????????????????????)

(Yeah I know wtf right, diary? lol)

Also, I just felt the urge to tell you my feet don’t have six toes because they have five, and I thought that was really smart before realizing it was obvious. I think I’m going to put this pen down and continue writing when I have all my head back. These meds are nice, they make me sleepy.

One last thing: I LOOOOOOOOOVE ALEX, AND I WANT TO HUG HIM ONCE VISITING HOURS ARE OPEN AGAIN AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (and yes, those are love hearts around his name and not tiny butts thank you for listening to my speech)