Dearest friend,

Today was both chaos and bliss.

David and I set out to fetch ourselves a Christmas tree.

When we stepped foot outside, it had just begun to snow.

We kissed. We kissed until our hair was damp beneath the bright white sky, and I put my scarf around his neck, and he asked me, “Won’t you be cold?”

I simply shook my head, then said, “Not if I’m with you.”

Although last night was still fresh in my mind, the shy David I’d initially known was back. There was a flush of red right up to his ears. I wanted him. Not later, not in a minute, but now.

However, I had to wait, I told myself—we still had yet to take the bus, walk to the store, and pick out one of the many pinewood-scented trees. So, instead, I leaned in, close to his ear, and whispered, “J'adore ton cul. J'aimerais te baiser. Si nous n’étions pas en publique, je t’aurais pris par tous les côtés. Je t’aurais fait pleurer avec ma bite. Putain, David, tu me rends fou, tu te rends pas compte.”

His shoulders tensed as I pulled away. He stared at me, and blinked twice. “Y-you—” David gulped. “You speak French?”

I smiled, and squeezed his hand as I led him towards the mall. “A little.”

He tugged at his collar. “That was, um… that sounded really sexual for some reason. I don’t know why though. What did, uh— What did that mean?”

It was hard for me to hold back my laughter.

I kissed him on the cheek. “It means you’re very cute,” I said, and he did not ask more—thankfully.

We arrived inside. The mall’s interior was lively, and bustled with people. The walls blinked with decorations, each of them flashier than the other. I couldn’t help but groan. “It’s not even December yet…”

David laughed. “It’s the end of November, close enough.”

“I was sure you’d be the type to love this stuff.”

He paused. His nose was still pink from the cold. “You don’t?” he asked.

I reached for his hand again and gave it another squeeze. Although I could not feel his skin through our gloves, I remembered what it had felt like when we’d been in bed together earlier—when I’d woken to him embracing me, under the early morning’s glow. “I find the idea of the Krampus much more exciting,” I muttered, as I held back my urge to shower him with compliments, yet again.

“Right,” David grinned. “Right…”

A bunch of screaming children ran past our figures; although they were slow, their parents followed behind shortly after.

I cleared my throat and bumped David’s shoulder with mine. “David,” I said. “Is everything all right? You aren’t wagging your tail anymore.”

He rolled his eyes. “Very funny.”

I pressed his lips to his neck when I was sure nobody was looking. His eyes widened ever so slightly. “I’m serious,” I told him. “If you’re not feeling up to it, we can come back another day, or order it online. It’s really not an issue if you—”

“No,” his voice had turned into a whisper. “No, it’s not…” David sighed. “It’s not that.” From within his eyes, I saw the reflection of a star that stood tall, atop a tree behind me. “I’m fine—physically, I mean,” he said.

His words caused me to pause. “Physically?” I raised a brow. “What about mentally then?”

David made this little groaning sound as if he’d been discovered doing something morally grey. His shoulders deflated. “I… I guess I’ve been better.”

“Is…” I swallowed, hard, and it suddenly occurred to me that my throat was very, very dry. “It’s not because of yesterday, is it?”

“No!” David blurted. He trapped both my palms between his. “Dude, no. How the hell did you come to that conclusion?”

I shrugged, averted my gaze from his, and fixated my attention towards the fake Santa who was handing out balloons on the opposite end of the mall. “Well, it’s the only thing that happened between yesterday and now,” I said. “So… you know.”

He nodded in a complete and utter silence that was quite unlike him. The sight of David being serious and still like this for no apparent reason was rare; it unsettled me greatly. “Are you sure you still want to go Christmas tree hunting?” I asked him again, for it did not seem as if he was keen on sharing the source of his current distress. “We can turn back. I’ll put on a movie, wrap you up in those blankets you like and get you some popcorn. Or, if you want, we could just go to sleep and—”

“I’m just sad, okay?” In this moment, I wondered if I had annoyed him a tad with my propositions.

I found myself nervous at the prospect of David raising his voice, of David being angered when he is usually the first person to laugh things off and smile at the world.

“Sorry,” he quickly added. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.”

It vaguely occurred to me that a few people were glaring at us now, but, simply put, I couldn’t care less. All I wanted to know was what I could do to make David’s problem disappear. “Why are you sad? I thought you said you liked the decorations and the general Christmas vibe.”

“Because…” David’s head hung low. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he was about to cry. “It’s already been more than two weeks since I arrived. And Christmas is coming up soon, and so is the New Year, and that also means I’ll have to go back home eventually. I mean, even if I didn’t have uni, I know you have work, so I wouldn’t have tried to overstay my welcome anyway, but, like… I’ve never done this. This… type of relationship. And the last time we had to say goodbye, it was painful, but not as bad as I feel like it’s going to be in January. And so now I can’t stop thinking about it, because when I’m enjoying myself with you and making all these memories, I always find myself wishing it didn’t have to end so soon.” That our little fun from last night had ended too early, I had expected it. That he was maybe feeling a little queasy because I put a bit too much chocolate on his pancakes this morning, I had also expected it. But this?

…I had no idea what to tell him. “We still have more than a month,” I said. And I knew the words were cold, but in my mind, it was more as if I was trying to convince myself that a month was a lot, even though it was an undeniable fact that David was right. Because yes, we were together, but after that… we hadn’t planned a single thing.

We didn’t think—we never had to before. It would always either come to us naturally or… well, perhaps it was only me, yet, I hadn’t believed everything would go as smoothly as they have during his stay here.

I’m aware many things happened—most of which were terrifying experiences I would prefer not to relive—however, between the pain, the nerves that ate me alive and all those tears that we cried: it only served as proof to me that I wanted to be with David. For much longer than just the holidays.

“Yeah.” David bit his lip, with the way it quivered, I knew I had messed up. “You’re right, I shouldn’t be worrying about this now.” He took a step forward and started walking again, towards our destination. “Let’s just go get the tree.”

Friend, I didn’t want this to end like last time.

I didn’t want to leave things unsaid. I had realized, over these past couple days, that honesty was the key to knowledge and understanding between us.

I followed him.

I slid my arms around his waist.