Kiss Me

Part Thirteen

Marcus

I lay in bed staring at the fire as night fell around us. Walker was asleep, but I couldn't fall asleep. I kept on looking at the clock then back to the fire, then I just stopped looking at the clock altogether. I was meant to be attending a dinner party, but after what happened today I just didn't feel like it. Maybe my mom was right, me being here would just cause trouble. It's not like I got on with my family and honestly I barely knew most of them. They would only look at me like my mother looks at me, she was good at getting into people's heads. Twisting what's true, manipulating and cruel. Sometimes I wondered why I even survived at all. What was I surviving for? For a life I've always despised or for love?

I turned slowly and looked at Walker. Was I feeling love? Was it love? I thought it was with Tom. I thought I was in love with him back before. Would it be any different with Walker? I changed myself, but I was still so fucking unsure about ever really finding anyone. Maybe I really wasn't made for loving anyone. I just painted a picture in my head of what I thought was love. But pictures never last unless carefully looked after and let's face it, I wasn't built for looking after anything. Even running away wouldn't keep me from my demons or ugly memories. I just covered them up. But they've become like broken walls, crumbling into dust, wisping through the air, floating along the breeze to land on yet more rubbled memories. If I were to rip my heart out, allowing my shell to fall forth. Crushing into the ground and shattering into many pieces, would it make a difference? "You're so beautiful." I whispered. But trash like me, that doesn't have anywhere to go, accumulates and stagnates and festers, it builds and builds up. I have to throw it away, I have to throw it away as soon as possible. I thought.

"Don't think about it." Walker whispered, now looking at me.

"I think about a lot of things, I can't help it." I said, staring straight into his eyes.

"Then don't."

"It's not that easy when you've been a ghost for so long."

Slowly, gently he reached out his hand and brushed the tip of his fingers over my cheek, to my neck. "Your not a ghost in front of me. You're very real," his fingers moved from my neck to my collarbone. "Flesh, blood," then to my heart. "A beating heart. You're the most real person I've ever met."

"But is that enough?"

"It's enough for me. Isn't that what matters? That you matter to someone else?"

"I don't know. I don't know what's real."

"I'm real and I'm right in front of you. I won't lay here and tell you to fall in love with me and dance in a field of flowers, but I will tell you to finally let go of everything that hurts."

"There's a lot that hurts Walker. Even these couple years I've tried to forget, but I know it's impossible."

"Nothing is impossible Marcus. You just need someone who will go through it with you and help you face what you think is not possible."

"Like you? Do think you'd be strong enough to go through all my pain and come out the other side the same."

He huffed out a small laugh and moved closer, almost nose to nose. "I know I will. But it's still up to you to try, too. I won't give up on you."

"I've heard that before."

"Yeah, I guess you have. But I'm not that person."

"No...no you're not." And he wasn't. He's so much stronger than Tom would ever be. Tom was weak and he made me weak, but Walker is strong. Really strong that I had no time to be weak around him.

"Isn't it about time we went for that dinner?"

"I didn't tell you about that."

"I know," he grins. "I read the pamphlet."

So cheeky, I thought. "I'm not very hungry."

"I'll eat for both of us."

"I'm sure you will."

"Marcus," he said, and snapped his fingers. "What do you do when you reach out your hand but there's no one there? You break down and think the world owes you everything. But what do you do when you reach out your hand and someone takes it? You take it right back and you stand up tall and give yourself that break you've been waiting for."

"Who are you?" I asked, almost amused.

"I'm the guy who's going to make you see that your whole word is worth living."

"You'd be like a hero, right?"

Walker stares at me. No smiles, just this deep intense feeling that his words were the only real truth. "You know," he started to say, "I've stood and watched you Marcus, for two years. And I've wondered if the pain you felt can be found anywhere else. How badly does it crush your heart? How long and cold would your nights be spent longing to be on the other side of that wall? How much time would pass while you felt as if you were breathing underwater? And if you should ever lay your hands on that one person who was willing to give you everything you ever needed, would you ever let them go? Well...that person is here. Looking at you right now."

"And you're wondering if I would let you go?"

Walker didn't answer me as he lifted up and peeled the covers away. "Let's get dressed and go to dinner."

"But…"

"No, I'm pretty fucking hungry and as much as you'd not admit it, your hungry too and your friends are waiting. So is your beautiful sister."

I didn’t say anything. I’m sure that wasn’t the normal response, but I couldn’t seem to drum up feelings on the matter. Or maybe I had too many feelings, and I wasn’t capable of processing them on the spot. Instead I moved from the bed too and grabbed the clothes I'd left out for tonight's dinner and got dressed. But the whole time I watched Walker. Watched the way he moved. Watched each expression on his face and the way he'd smile when he caught me looking. It made me happy.

This… this was going to take some processing.

Kiss Me

"I didn’t catch what it is you do, Walker?" Darryl asked in the middle of an icy silence that had fallen after yet another pointed remark from my mom to my dad. Darryl was trying really, really hard not to run screaming from my family and had latched onto Walker as a possible source of sanity.

"I’m a tattoo artist," Walker said between mouthfuls, without a single shred of shame. Not that he had any reason to be ashamed. At a table full of lawyers, bankers, and managers, he might’ve been the only one of us with a soul. "I also do piercings, but that’s not nearly as much fun," he added.

"He has tons of artwork all over his shop walls." He smiled happily at me. But then most people weren’t as happy as Walker was, or as comfortable with themselves. I definitely wasn’t.

But one more thing that did make me happy, besides Walker was before settling down for dinner Lily had flatly told our mom that she had no place to say if I could be at the wedding, Walker too. She didn't take kindly to it. But again it's not her wedding, so she's having to suck it up and deal with it.

The dinner conversation turned away from Walker’s life choices and back to the wedding, but not before he offered me a tiny, warm smile that curled around my heart. He was doing his best for me, it only seemed fair that I repaid him in whatever small way I could. Even if it was only playing the proud boyfriend. But even the playing pretend felt wicked. We've definitely gone way past being pretend behind closed doors. For Walker he was open and so honest with me before dinner, In the hotel bed. So honest I still couldn't wrap my head around it or my heart either. I need them both to be on the same page and it wasn't easy accomplishing that. That's the one thing those two vital organs never had and that was working together. My brain would always refuse to believe the damn obvious and my heart would believe the damn obvious. "Are you okay?" Walker asked, leaning into me.

"I'm okay, you're next to me." I whispered.

"Good, because I'm here all week," He chuckled a little before grabbing his wine. "I also take requests, if you have any." I couldn't help but laugh. He was always making jokes and trying to make the best of a bad situation and it worked.

"Well, I might have a request." I said nudging him.

"You can tell me after dinner. I'm not sure this is the right time for under table blowjobs."

God, he was priceless. "Shame." I mock sulking, letting my bottom lip jut out just a little.

"That's extremely tempting."

After I finished messing with Walker my attention was brought back to the table. Everyone was staring at me. Mom included and the look on her face was morphed into one of disgust. So...I thought fuck it and smiled. "Mom," I said. She looked away. "You still in the running for your local elections?"

"That's my business." She snapped and looked away. I guess she wasn't. And she still didn't want to talk to me like a normal person. Oh well, some things will never change. Not while I'm still breathing of course. So I turned my attention back to Walker and ran my hand over his thigh making him jump.

"Are you finished?" he asked.

"With what? Running my hand over your thigh?"

"No," he leaned in, lips at my ear. "With dinner. Because by the feel of things your wanting that request."

I grin, and blushed. Then said. "I'm definitely finished with dinner."

"That's great news, let's go play."

"Play?" I repeated.

"Uh huh, what was the point of having a body if you didn’t get to play with it? Otherwise we might as well all be brains floating in jars."

"Good point. Let's go." I took Walker's hand and we both stood up. I smiled at Lily and Darryl and thanked them for a lovely dinner and that we will do lunch tomorrow. I smiled at my parents, but didn't say anything. And everyone else, including Aya and Henley I said good night to. And we left, rushing to the room. Because let's face it, we both definitely wanted to play with each other.