Anemone - Fragility

Donovan

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I like Jeremy. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy that I'm able to get this experience, but I'm sad because it will never go further. I never imagined myself as gay. I don't even know if I am gay since I've never been attracted to another boy before. It's just Jeremy and only Jeremy. I've started to notice the little things that Jeremy does. He brings me Oreos every single day. He's always making me smile and he never stops looking out for me. His need to help others is commendable even if he always wants to fight. His sad eyes don't look so sad anymore. Jeremy makes me feel like I matter. I never thought that receiving validation from someone besides my parents would make me so happy. I feel devastated knowing that he probably won't ever return my feelings.

In the end, I'll always choose our friendship over my trivial feelings.

-Donovan

💜

Jess and Samantha invited us to their birthday party. Apparently they were born on the same day and their parents throw them a party every year. I've never been invited to a party before, so I was very excited to attend. They invited Jeremy too and he agreed. They were very shocked that he agreed since he never went to any of their previous parties.

The party was in a few hours and Jeremy and I were looking for presents. We both waited until the last minutes and now we're in such a bad situation. We agreed to buy gifts together. Two heads work better than one? Or whatever the saying is.

I felt so horrible that I didn't know a single thing about Jess or Samatha. Whenever we spoke, it never went beyond the surface.

"Can we just give them a card and money?"

I nodded with a sigh. "I feel so horrible."

We started looking through the gift card section when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hi!" Mr Williams said enthusiastically. He wore an oversized hoodie over skinny jeans and dress shoes. His hair was perfect though. Although his style was questionable, his hair was parted in the middle and slightly curled behind his ear. It somehow worked.

"Hi, sir." I waved. It's always so weird to see teachers outside of school. Did they have a life besides correcting test papers and teaching? I guess they do. Jeremy instantly turned around and greeted Mr Williams as well.

"What are you doing here?" He looked between the two of us suspiciously. His eyes peeking at the gift card rack.

"Gift shopping." Jeremy shrugged.

"Oh. Nice. Who is it for?" He questioned. His left hand cupped his face as he slightly tilted it. He looked very interested.

"A school friend," Jeremy replied as he glanced at me from the side.

"I hope you find what you're looking for."

"We hope so too. We kinda suck at this."

"Dad!" A voice shouted followed by footsteps. A boy a few inches taller than Mr Williams appeared. "Daddy doesn't want to get me the game for me. Can you get it instead?"

Was this Mr Willams son? He looked nothing like him. While Mr Williams appeared to be a full-blown Korean, he looked black. His black hair was cut in the style of a fade. His brown eyes were currently scowling at me and I took a step back.

"I still don't get why you feel like I'm the softer parent," Mr Williams said and poked his stomach.

"Dad, stop. You're embarrassing me," he grumbled and stepped to the side of the aisle.

"I was looking for you guys," a tall man in a business suit said as he approached them.

"Well, here we are. Brandon wants me to buy him a game. Apparently you won't get it for him."

The man side-eyed Brandon, who wouldn't make eye contact with him.

"This kid tries to play us every time. I told him I'll get it for him for Christmas. I don't see why he can't wait." He rolled his eyes and pinched his nose.

"Lou already got it and he wants to play multiplayer with me," Brandon said it as if his life depended on it. "We played the first game together and he wants to play the second one with me too. Which is why I need one of you to buy it for me now. It's only one hundred and twenty dollars."

It's only one hundred and twenty dollars.

"Who raised this kid?" Mr Williams asked. "I get paid to deal with annoying high schoolers and then I willingly go home to deal with an annoying middle schooler. Someone save me."

Brandon rolled his eyes. "Since you're getting paid, you should be able to buy it for me, Dad. Don't be stingy with your money."

Jeremy looked slightly amused by the entire interaction, but by the looks of it, he was growing impatient. I was too polite for my own good, so I didn't want to just leave.

"Since I'm so stingy, you're not getting the game at all. Do you agree, honey?"

Brandon's Dad instantly nodded his head. He took ahold of Mr Williams hands and lightly kissed it. "I always agree."

Mr Williams cheeks and ears became instantly red and Brandon groaned. "You guys are too gross. I'll make auntie buy it for me." He walked away without looking back.

They both burst out laughing. "We're really bad parents," Mr Williams said trying to control his laughter.

Jeremy on the other hand, couldn't take his eyes off of their interlocked hands. I know that there were many gay couples around, but I wasn't expecting such a reaction out of him. Was he analyzing it? Was he angry? Was he offended? I instantly had regrets about my feelings. What if he responds negatively if he finds out? The man turned his attention to Jeremy and me.

"Hi, guys! Are you Jin's students?" He smiled brightly at us. Mr Williams grinned at me from the side.

Their height difference was cute. They looked like complete opposites and I really couldn't get enough of them.

I nodded and Jeremy replied with a "Yes."

"Oh, nice to meet you. I'm Sebastian. Jin's my husband. As you can see Brandon's our son. Anyway, I hope that Jin teaches you well and that you learn a lot! I know he's an amazing teacher."

The pride on Sebastian's face when he finished talking took my breathe away. The love and adoration in his face was something I've never seen before.

"Stop it, Sebastian. These are my students, stop being weird." Sebastian kissed his cheek and let go of his hand and let out a yawn.

"Ready to go? I gotta get back to work," he asked as if he didn't just kiss Mr Williams in this public store.

"Okay, this is awkward," Mr Williams said after seeing Jeremy's and my expression.

Sebastian's smiled turned to a frown. "They don't know—"

"One does, but I think it's an obvious surprise to the other."

My gaze turned to Jeremy again, whose eyes looked shocked.

"I'm sorry." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"It's okay." Mr Williams squeezed Sebastian's cheek.

"I'll go look for Brandon. Nice to meet you guys." He looked guilty and I instantly felt bad. Sebastian turned on his heels and walked in the direction that Brandon did.

"Sorry about that guys. It was very inappropriate."

"We're not at school. You guys are just a normal couple. It's not weird at all," I said a little too quickly.

Mr Williams offered me a smile then turned his attention to Jeremy and raised an eyebrow. "You good?"

"I'm honestly good, Mr Williams. Your secret's safe with me," Jeremy said quickly raising his hands up.

He softly chuckled. "It's not a secret that you need to keep Jeremy. I don't care if you know and I really don't care if you tell other students. I hid for too long to go back in the closet."

The air became extremely awkward and I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for. You don't need society to accept you if you accept you," he looked directly at Jeremy when he said it. I wonder if he was talking about himself or something else.

"You should put that in a gift card," Jeremy muttered. He looked extremely uncomfortable as if he was ready to run out of the store.

Mr Williams didn't seem to get offended. He instead burst out laughing. "You're funny, too bad you're always grumpy in class. Maybe Donovan brings out the best in you." He winked and waved. "See you at school."

"Bye!"

He gave me a thumbs up and mouthed "You got this."

I don't know what he meant, but I nodded anyway because I was too busy worrying about Jeremy.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm a little overwhelmed, but I'm good. I promise."

His eyes were sad again. When his eyes are sad, he tends to lie to me, just like he is right now. I didn't know what to do or think to make him open up. Even though we did have a talk, there are still moments where he shuts off himself or bottles his feelings and it makes me feel so

helpless.

🎉

At around 8 pm the party was in full swing. It was at an event hall and it was filled with students from our school. Purple and gold decorations adorned the room, while music blasted in the background. We only got to see Jess and Samantha one time, to give them the gifts and then they disappeared. I don't even remember what they were wearing.

There was a giant table with a cake that was shaped like a sixteen with so many snacks surrounded by it. This wasn't good for my health, but I was ready to give it all up for a slice of that cake.

"Do you want a drink?" Jeremy asked me in my ear over the loud music. I did want a drink. I just didn't want a drink that he'd expect.

The legal drinking age is 16 and I was going to be 18 soon. The party had alcohol and I felt adventurous tonight. One drink wouldn't hurt? Right?

"Can I get a beer?"

"Okay."

He was about to leave to get the drink when he stopped himself. "Wait what? I'm not getting you a beer. I don't think your parents would ever forgive me if I brought you home drunk."

I shrugged. "It's just one beer though."

"Have you ever had alcohol before?" He looked sceptical.

"Yes," I lied. "I just want one drink and that's it."

He side-eyed me and then brought an opened bottle of Corona for me and he got a bottle of water.

"Enjoy."

I hesitantly took a sip of the beer and nearly gagged. How do people drink this?

"Do you like it?"

"The flavour is very nice." I continued sipping, acting like it didn't taste like crap.

"You're ridiculous."

He guided me to a table in the corner of the room. The five chairs were empty and there was a small cooler in the corner. He pulled out a seat for me and I sat as if my life depended on it. Jeremy turned his chair to face me and sat down with grace.

When I was finished with the beer, I opened the cooler and took another one. I used the edge of the table to open it and instantly chugged it.

Even after drinking one beer, the horrible taste remained, but I enjoyed the buzz it gave me. I felt free. I quickly opened another one and chugged it down.

When I was finishing up my fourth beer, Jeremy grabbed me.

"What the—" Jeremy took the bottle that was nearly finished from my hand. "No more. What are you even thinking?" He pushed the bottle in the middle of the table.

"Can I at least finish it?"

I moved forward and quickly grabbed the bottle and drank the rest. I set the bottle down with a sigh. "Okay, can we dance now?" I slurred.

"No way."

I stood up and took a hold of both of Jeremy's hands and tried to pull him up. He protested but got up anyway. Is it bad, that I realized that he can't tell me no? Can't? Doesn't want to? It doesn't even matter.

I want to dance.

There were lots of familiar faces from school that were watching us funny, but for the first time, I didn't care.

"So I can't dance, but we're going to dance."

I linked our hands together and started swaying from side to side. Jeremy didn't seem to be into it, but after a while he started laughing at me.

"You have two left feet. I thought you were perfect." He snorted and pulled me closer. His arms tightened around my waist.

"My feet work perfectly fine! I can't believe I'm dancing in public," I yelled over the music.

Jeremy raised his hand above my head and spun me around, which caused me to giggle. I instantly felt embarrassed.

"This is fun," I yelled.

He nodded. "A little. We probably looked really odd right now."

"I don't care."

I suddenly became brave and wrapped my arms around his neck. I held him tightly and rested my head on his chest. Jeremy did the same, but he didn't stop moving. My face nuzzled his neck. Seeing his beautiful freckles up close quickly reminded me of how close we really are.

Suddenly Drake's Own it started playing and we started to sway to the music. I followed his steps without letting go.

Everyone around me disappeared and all I could think about and see was Jeremy. The music really didn't help my current situation.

Jeremy was so perfect. He never once pushed me away. He's so supportive of me. He takes good care of me and he makes me feel better about myself. I like him so much and it hurts. It's not fair. Why did he have to be a guy? Why did I have to be a guy? In a perfect world, we'd make the perfect match- if he even returns my feelings.

"Are you good?"

"Yes." I didn't look up at him, because I didn't want to lose this position. God knows when I'll experience this again.

"Oh."

Buying that cologne for him this Christmas was a good investment. He wore it every day and it smelled amazing especially when my face is in his neck.

"I love this."

"Love what?"

"You. Me. Dancing together. I've never had this and I want to cherish this moment."

I would never tell him this if the circumstances were different, yet here I am blurting everything out. Is it liquid courage? Am I even drunk? Am I using alcohol as an excuse?

"I like this too."

Somehow after a few moments, I started to get sleepy.

I reluctantly separated myself from Jeremy and stretched my arms. He walked back to the seats and sat down. I followed him and sat down too.

On him.

I sat on him, with both my legs around his waist, while I looked at him.

"Thanks for dancing with me." I rested my head on his shoulder and quietly yawned."I need to rest my eyes for a few moments. I think I might be slightly drunk and I can't go home like this."

"Uh... okay. Um—"

"Thanks, Jeremy. You're the best."

I closed my eyes and settled myself on his lap. Being this close to him could be something I couldn't make myself get used to.