Yellow Tulip - Hopeless Love

Jeremy

For the first time in my life, I have developed an erection and I'm emotionally unstable. I just don't understand how it happened or why it's happening. Growing up, I've never liked anyone. While my friends starting dating girls and having sex, I was not interested. I wasn't attracted to any girls and I didn't have a desire to date any of them. I even secretly looked at boys to see if I'd feel anything and I didn't feel anything. I wasn't interested in sex and I had no desire to ever have it. I thought that maybe it was a side effect of my depression, but even on my good days, I couldn't imagine myself with someone. I always felt so bad and out of place, especially when people would confess to me and I didn't feel anything for them.

I felt bad about developing my little problem while Donovan was sitting on me. If anything, could he be the reason why it happened? I hid my face in my hands, as I sit in a bathroom stall. I just want to go home. I'm embarrassed and disgusted. I've never had an erection, yet I get one while my friend is sitting on me. Out of all the moments in my life that have occurred, why did it have to happen now? Why did it have to happen with Donovan?

I pulled out my phone and searched up the word "asexual".

An asexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction.

I don't think that applies for me since I'm obviously feeling unsolicited sexual attraction for Donovan. I feel like a pervert. The word demi-sexual was highlighted and I pressed it.

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

Unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

Did I have a strong emotional bond with Donovan?

I think I did.

Does this mean that I like him?

I did like him, but do I like like him?

Is Donovan my first crush?

I need to get home. I need my parents. Who would've thought that I'd be sitting in a bathroom stall, questioning my sexuality and my entire being?

This wasn't how my Saturday was supposed to turn out.

A loud knock brought my back to earth.

"Jeremy? Are you okay? I'm worried. Is it a migraine?"

He cares about me so much and I'm perving on him. I'm so disgusting.

"Yeah, it's a migraine. Give me a moment."

My erection did go down, but I still needed a moment to collect myself. After a while, I opened the door and Donovan hugged me tightly.

"I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I wish I could help." He led me out of the bathroom and back to the hall.

"Sorry, we can't help. Jeremy isn't well." He turned to me. "Can you drive? I can call my Dad."

I checked the time. It was past one am. Donovan's parents are going to kill me. His father smiled at me, but he said that Donovan needed to be back by 11. I'm two hours late.

"I can drive. Let's go. I'm so sorry girls. I'll make it up to you. I promise."

Donovan linked our hands together and walked me to the car. I opened the car door and stepped in. I waited for him to be seated and started the engine. I buckled my seatbelt and stretched over him and buckled his. He always forgot to do it.

By the time we arrived at Donovan's house, it was 1:30 and I was really scared. I walked him to his door and hid behind him. He opened the door with his key and we were instantly ambushed by his parents.

"What time is it?" His mother asked with a frown. Her straight hair was pulled into a ponytail and her pyjamas were over oversized with little carrots on them. His Dad was wearing a T-shirt and shorts and he looked very sleepy.

"Thanks for bringing him back safely," he said. He put his hand out to shake mine and I hesitantly took it.

"Let's Go, Don."

"Excuse me. They can't get away with this. I want to know why you're so late," His mother demanded. Donovan looked nervous. I didn't want him to admit that he drank tonight.

"I suffer from migraines and I had an episode. So I'm sorry."

Donovan looked at me.

"I'm responsible too," he said looking down at his feet. "I—"

"Donovan even told me to call, but I was hopeful that I'd get better. But it took me a while. I'm sorry and I hope this doesn't change your opinion on me."

"It doesn't. Just call next time, okay?" His mother said. "And I'm sorry about the migraines sweetie."

And I'm sorry for being such a liar. Donovan's father and mother wished me goodnight and left.

"Why'd you lie?"

"You had four bottles of beer. I think they'd flip on you. Don't you think?"

"They might have. But I didn't want you to take the blame."

"It's okay. I promise. Have a goodnight. I'll see you on Monday or maybe I can visit you tomorrow?"

Donovan's smile was shy, but his happiness was apparent. "Tomorrow sounds better."

"Okay. I'll try my best. See you."

"Drive safely. Call me when you get home!"

"I will."

Donovan walked me back to the car and stood outside the window.

"Bye."

"Bye."

His hand gripped mine and he gently squeezed it then he turned around and walked back to his house. The ride home was long and exhausting, I just wanted to talk to my parents as soon as possible. With my phone and key in my hand, I opened the fridge, took out a bottle of water and tried to calm myself down. After a few sips, I was a lot calmer than I was before.

I took a moment to think about what happened tonight. This was all new to me and I was scared. I set the bottle down and walked to my parent’s room. They were both in their bed so I kicked off my shoes and climbed in the middle.

"Hi."

"You're late Jeremy," Dad said moving over to give me some space.

"I know I'm sorry. We need to talk and it's important and disgusting at the same time."

My mother groaned. She sat up and yawned. "I love you so much, but sometimes you annoy me. Honestly."

Dad also sat up and nodded his head in agreement. "You're kinda annoying."

I laughed and I also sat up. "So, I'm dying in the inside because of this. I need you guys to never speak about this again after tonight. Okay?"

They didn't reply so I began. “I got an erection."

My mother looked disgusted and my dad burst out laughing. "Jeremy, what the hell!"

My face flushed with embarrassment. "I've never gotten one before. I... Donovan was sitting on me and then... it came and I'm scared and I'm worried and I'm so so confused."

My mother gasped and my dad nodded his head.

"Do you like Donovan? Is that it?" My mother looked happy and I felt even more grossed out.

"I've never liked anyone before. How do I know that I don't see him as a friend?"

"Do you want to be around him every day? Does your heart skip a beat when you see him? Do you want to make him happy?"

"Yes, Yes and Yes. I'm scared and I'm sad. Why does it have to be him? I care about him so much and I feel like my feelings will get in the way of everything. I didn't even realize that he was so pretty until this very moment. He has these pouty red lips, that resemble rose petals. He's everything I could ever ask for and I feel like I don't deserve him and I might be demisexual."

"Slow down, my love. Let's start at the beginning. So you think you like Donovan?" Mum said. She pulled her legs up to her chest and she watched me intensively. Dad didn't change positions.

"I liked him as a friend this entire time. I've never met anyone so pure. He's so nice. Honestly. He's just so genuine and sometimes I feel like he's too good for me."

"Why would he be too good for you? You're amazing too." Mum looked sad and I felt guilty for making her feel that way.

"I always get into fights, I'm not good at school and you know sometimes I feel like if I was a better big brother, Jean would—"

"Don't you dare," Dad interrupted. "We're not doing this right now. We've told you this many times. Too many times. It's not your fault. Now continue."

"I feel like I'm such a failure and the only people that could ever love me, were my family and all of that changed last year when Donovan came. He brings me food, he helps me with school and he just makes me feel. I'm so scared right now because I might lose him."

"You won't lose him," Dad reassures me.

"How do you know that?"

"Anyone that looks at the two of you, can see an apparent bond. Well, your mother and I can."

"So do you think he likes me back?"

"I can't say that. Maybe you should talk to him. You don't have to tell him that you're developing feelings. Just talk about your feelings."

"How do I talk about my feelings without bringing up the fact that I really like him? I can't win, Dad," I groaned in frustration.

"What I find commendable about all of this, is that you're more worried about losing friendship than the fact that he's a boy. Don't you care that he's a guy?" Dad questioned, watching intently at me.

"You always told me to love who I want. I... I like Donovan. For who he is, not what he is."

"I'm so proud of the person you've become. Come for kisses."

Mum pulled me in for a hug and gave me two wet kisses. "Love you so much."

"On another note, what's a demi-sexual?" Dad interjected.

"When I looked online it said that it's a person that only experiences sexual attraction after connecting with a person emotionally. I've... honestly never been interested in anyone in my entire life. I just... Everything with Donovan is so different. After meeting him, I feel complete."

"How do you feel knowing that your 18-year-old son is so poetic? I think he got it from me, but we can share the spotlight," Dad said to mum with a huge grin.

"Ignore your father. No matter what happens between you and Donovan, we love you forever. Regardless of your sexuality or whatever you choose to identify as we love you so much. We are always here for you to talk to. Even if we don't understand, we will try."

There's nothing better than a hug from my mum. My dad's hugs are okay, but I just feel so much better in my mum's arms.

"Yeah, what your mother said. Thank God your first crush is male. We don't have to worry about pregnancy. Aw!"

I hid my face on my mum's neck, right after she hit my father behind his neck.

"From now on, I'll host the sweet conversations. You know what, you're sleeping on the couch."

"Come on, it was a joke."

"You're jokes aren't funny. What did I see in you?" She asked. I can see her rolling her eyes in mind.

"I know what I saw in you. It was those ears and lucky for me, all my kids got them."

"Jeremy, your dad and I are getting a divorce."

I finally left my parents room. Mum was still annoyed with Dad but she'd get over it. I was headed to my room, when I remembered that I had promised Donovan to call him. 

I looked through the entire house and finally found my phone in the fridge. I realized that I had let there when I took out the bottle of water. Why am I so absentminded? 

I quickly dialed Donovan's number. I held the phone to my ear forgetting how cold it was and dropped it to the floor. I quickly picked it up and put it on speaker.

"Hi Donovan, how are you?"

"You're home safely." His soft voice was like music to my ears.

"I am. I promised to call right." I walked to my room and jumped into my bed. 

"Thanks for calling Jeremy. You're coming tomorrow right?"

"I will. I'll call you okay?"

"Okay.” There was a pause moment. “I enjoyed spending time with you tonight.”

I hummed in agreement. “I did too. We should hang out more often outside. This time, somebody won’t get any alcohol.” 

I can imagine the blush on his face. “Yeah, no more alcohol.” 

“I’ll let you get some sleep now. Sweet dreams.”

"Bye Jer... sweet dreams.”

He hung up the phone and I pushed my face into my pillow. One phone call has me feeling as if I was going to explode.

I'm crushing so hard.