Paul

There is nothing but judgment in Sarah’s eyes and Paul is doing his best to ignore her. After a few minutes, though, he has to ask “What?”

“You are such a groupie.”

“I am not a groupie!”

“Really? So that’s normal behavior? Then why have you never done that for Leo?”

Paul ignores her and moves his head slightly so Amy can finish painting his face for the game.

“That’s because Leo was friendship,” Amy answers for him. “But Ben is looove…”

“Ben is my boyfriend,” Paul tempers.

“Oh, of course, sorry,” Amy replies sarcastically. “God forbids that you would be a boy and a romantic…”

Love. Paul knows that the feelings he has for Ben are getting bigger every day but he doesn’t want to put a name on it yet. That’s too scary. And he doesn’t want to use the word lightly either. He knows that love is more than just getting butterflies and wanting to be with the other person. That could be falling in love, but that’s not truly being in love.

What he feels for Ben now is way more than just butterflies, but it doesn’t make it love either, does it? What even is being in love? Is there a proper definition? Does it change from one person to the other? Could he be in love and not know it? What if he and Ben have different notions of what that means? And what happens if you think you’re in love and then realize that it wasn’t it?

It is all far too complicated and Paul doesn’t want to overthink it. He hopes that, at some point, it will be an evidence.

Paul catches Ben just before he gets to the changing room. Ben’s eyes widen a bit when he sees Paul’s face. “Hey… I’ve never seen you demonstrate such school spirit before!” He greets him with a smile.

“Amy was doing something similar for Leo and she asked me if I wanted to support my boyfriend too. I couldn’t possibly say no to that!”

Ben seems a bit impressed and Paul is proud of that. “I guess I can’t lose, now…”

“I guess you can’t.”

Toby arrives too and nods at Paul, saying: “Great team spirit, York! That’s what we need!”

“Wait until you see Amy!”

Toby rolls his eyes as if he were saying ‘as usual’. It is true that Amy always was a big supporter of the basketball team, even before dating Leo, and she just became slightly more extra since Leo. Paul used to tease her with Sarah, and now he joined the other side.

Paul wishes Ben good luck and lets him go change and warm up. He looks at his watch. He has time for coffee with the girls before the game starts.

If Paul is completely honest, whenever he came to see Leo play, he never really focused on the game. Of course, he looked at what was happening, but the only thing he knows about the rules is that some baskets are worth two points and some three depending on where you are when you shoot them.

He mainly looked at the score and knew he was supposed to be happy as long as their team was the one with the higher score. He didn’t really understand, or care, whenever Leo would talk about game time, assists, free throws, rules about seconds…

But for this first game as Ben’s boyfriend, he has been researching the rules on the Internet. He isn’t sure he remembers everything properly, but he wants to be as invested in this with Ben as he can.

Somehow, it makes the game much more interesting and the first half goes way faster than usual.

The boys leave the court for halftime – Paul is pretty sure that it’s the word in basketball too, but he will wait for someone else to call it that before saying it out loud. As they pass in front of them (because of course, Amy would sit in the front row and nothing less…), Leo stops for a small kiss (followed by a general ‘aaaaw’ that makes Sarah snort), and Ben briefly squeezes Paul’s hand. They never go for obvious PDAs. So far, comments are mainly made behind their backs – probably more out of fear of the school policy than human decency – but there have been a few incidents. Not many, not enough for Paul to regret his boyfriend. Ben is worth so much more than all of this. But still… enough for them to not want to push their luck.

However unfair that Leo could kiss Amy like this without even thinking about it.

Ben seems to be handling it fine, but Paul realizes that they never really talked about it either… Then again, Ben is quite popular and Max is the most protective guard dog ever. People tend to leave him alone.

“Aren’t you a bit annoyed?” Sarah asks him as the boys come back.

“About what?”

“You’re finally out and proud and you could finally shamelessly check out basketball players, but you can’t because you have a boyfriend…”

“That still leaves me one player I can shamelessly check-out,” he replies.

It’s true that looking at basketball players used to be one of the highlights of coming to the games. It’s not that he is stopping himself from looking at the other players now, it’s genuinely that his eyes can’t leave Ben. It is particularly easy when he is dominating the game like today…

Paul is never telling Sarah that, obviously.

Paul isn’t quite sure how the incident started. They are on the front row, but the player’s bench is on the opposite side of the gym. The teams are on the break between the third and fourth quarters (yes, it probably has a name, but Paul doesn’t know it), and as a player from the other team who lost the ball a lot all game long walks past the hosting team, he says something to – or so it seems – Ben.

Paul couldn’t hear it, but the rest of the teal stands up immediately, in a quite menacing manner, and for a second it looks like a fight is about to start. Ben puts a calming hand on Max’s arm and replies something that Paul still can’t hear. It is driving him a bit crazy. Is something happening?

The player from the opposite team says something back and Ben smiles. It is not a happy smile. It is somewhere between mischievous and defiant… Paul doesn’t know how to read it…

Ben then walks across the court, all the way to Paul and the girls. He is a few steps away when Paul asks: “What’s happening?”

“I’m going to kiss you now, are you fine with that?”

“What? Sure, but…” Paul doesn’t finish his sentence. Ben has already pulled him by the shirt and their lips crash together. Paul’s hands instinctively cup Ben’s face.

For a second, everything is quiet. Or Paul forgets about the world. Then he hears Max whistle and cheer. Quite a few people join in.

Not as many as for Leo and Amy’s kiss, but enough to support whatever point Ben is trying to make.

“What was that for?” Paul asks when Ben lets go.

“If they think they can get under my skin by calling me a ‘fag’…” Ben vaguely replies before running back to his clapping teammates.

Okay… maybe Paul is a little bit in love.

“What will happen to that player?” Paul asks.

Ben and Paul are lying on the grass, looking at the stars appearing. They grabbed some food with their friends to celebrate their win and instead of going home with Max, Ben stayed with Paul. In spite of the cold, they decided to stop by the park and extend the evening a bit longer.

“Probably nothing,” Ben replies.

“Seriously?”

Ben sighs. “I could complain, but… it’s like you said about that picture of you and Louie… how much energy am I willing to give that guy? His words only have power if I give them some. It was much more satisfying to ignore him and win the game. No, actually. The satisfying part was to let his hateful comment empower me enough to kiss you in front of everyone.”

“Yes… that was quite something!” Paul agrees with a smile. “But you know there will be comments in school tomorrow.”

Ben shrugs. “Let them. I don’t want to feel self-conscious about it anymore. I’ll never be a big PDA person, and I get that we will have to be careful sometimes, but I also don’t want to have to think twice every time I feel like holding your hand.”

Paul moves his hand on the grass and takes his boyfriend’s hand. Ben smiles softly and Paul’s heart squeezes. He is so beautiful.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this, though,” Ben says.

“I don’t mind. I’ve been dragged through worse.”

“I know. It doesn’t really make it okay.”

“Ben… You didn’t drag me through anything. You asked permission first. I could have said no. But not only will I never refuse a kiss from you, I also want to be by your side for these things. It won’t be the last time something like that happens, and I’m afraid it won’t be the worst we’ll have to face. It will be easier if we’re together for it.”

“I’m so glad to have you on my team,” Ben says with an amused smile before adding, more serious, “and I want to be there for you too. I know some people make comments. Especially online. If it ever becomes too much…”

“No,” Paul interrupts him. “It’s like you said. I don’t want to give their words any power over us. There is nothing truly scary or offensive happening at school, and… I just don’t want to give them the attention…” Paul pauses for a moment, thinking back on a time when he didn’t feel like that. “I used to give so much credit to people’s opinions. Especially when I wasn’t out. Then that picture got out and… I had to deal with it the best I could. It wasn’t until you that it started to not matter as much.”

“Maybe we just needed something to remind us that it’s worth it. That there is a happiness greater than their narrow minds…”

“Well… you do make me very happy.”

They smile for a moment and then report their attention to the night sky.

“Paul?” Ben says after a while.

“Babe?”

“I’m getting cold, and I’m pretty sure it’s nearly curfew time…”

“Fine,” Paul groans while standing up. “I guess I can take you home.”

Paul sits behind the wheel and he catches his reflection in the mirror. The colors from the school have faded on his face and it now looks old and even a bit dirty.

“I look like a mess!”

Ben chuckles and runs his thumb across Paul’s cheek. “No, you don’t. even like this, you’re still the most beautiful thing I’ve seen today…”

Paul feels his heart squeeze and race at the same time. For the second time today, he thinks that, maybe, he’s a little bit in love…