Monday sucks. Aside from the five giant packets of study guides I got for my upcoming exams, Emily is a train wreck, Marina has been badly trying to comfort her, and James has just completely disappeared. Marina’s clicking her pen against her desk in pre-cal, talking to me as we do a worksheet together. “Okay, I’m confused because when you were drunk off your ass he was totally chill and just worried about getting you somewhere safe in one piece, so I don’t know what changed since yesterday.”
“Marina, for real-”
“No, no, Reyes, listen here. Something happened to make him so distant, think, what did you do?”
“I told you! I don’t remember anything.”
“Nothing. You don’t remember anything.”
“No! I don’t!” My voice raises as our calc teacher looks at us disapprovingly. “Okay, okay, sorry.”
“Look, just leave it alone. I’m sure he’ll come around to saying something sooner or later,” I say. She smiles reassuringly; I scowl back.
By lunch, James still hasn’t showed up. Marina is staring at me, studying my every move to try and find an answer. “Emily, heard from James yet?” Marina asks. “Why would I know?” Emily retorts, stabbing her pasta. “I don’t know, you’re like his girlfriend or whatever.”
“I’m not his girlfriend, and no, I don’t know where he is.”
“Okay, okay, chill dude,” Marina replies. Emily looks on the verge of tears. “Emily, are you alright?” Marina asks. Emily aggressively grabs her tray and stands up. “Dude?” Marina questions as Emily storms out of the cafeteria leaving the whole table in silence. “What happened?” I say. Marina shrugs, “I don’t know.” We follow her out of the cafeteria and find her sniffling by the library door. “I’m sorry. I know I’m probably being super over dramatic. I thought things were going really well with James, but he just told me this morning that he doesn’t think we should go out. I’ve just kinda been a mess, you know? I really really like him, and after prom I was just so certain that he liked me too!” A tear slides down her dark skin. I give her a hug and she puts her arms around me tightly. “That sucks dude.” She sniffs, “Yeah. It does.”
“I really wonder where he is.” Marina says, “It’s not like he has other things to be doing.” She glances at me for an answer, but I don’t have one.
“Maybe he stayed home? I dunno, you guys stay here and I’ll go look for him, I guess.”
“Okay.” They both reply. Marina gives me a slightly suspicious glance. Twenty seconds later I get a text from her.
Don’t do anything stupid.
Seriously, Mar? I understand how timing works.
Okay. Just making sure.
I angrily pocket my phone as I glance into the art room. He’s nowhere to be seen, which is disappointing since it was kind of my only guess as it's the only other place he spends his time. Maybe he’s in the orchestra room? I start heading that direction, before I remember that a lot of music students use lunch as a practice time, so he probably wouldn’t be there. He's not in the library or the econ room or the photography room. About to give up, I start walking back towards the cafeteria when I notice someone sitting just outside the gym lobby. Juniors and seniors are allowed to eat outside, but most people don’t because there aren’t any tables. I push open the door next to the gym. “James?” I call. He’s holding a clipboard and sketching something out on it in pencil, without acknowledging me. “James?” I call again. “Peyton?” His voice is so quiet, I barely hear it. He’s wearing a sweatshirt with the hood pulled over his head so I can’t see his face. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He says, fooling neither of us. I sit down next to him, and he tucks the clipboard away. “What’s wrong?” He doesn’t say anything, he just stares wistfully at his shoes. “James?”
“You should go back in,” He says. “People are probably waiting for you.”
“People are in there waiting for you too.” He sighs, burying his face, which I still can’t see, in his hands. “Breaking someone’s heart isn’t fun.” He says. Ohhhh, this must be about Emily. Everything makes sense now. I sigh, “It’s not supposed to be. Unless you’re a sadist, then I guess it would be. But I’m pretty sure you’re not a sadist.” He chuckles before choking on a sob. “I just feel so bad. I didn’t want to hurt her… but I didn’t want to lead her on! I thought I could make it work, but- but-”
“Shhhhh. It’s okay.” I pat his shoulder. “Thanks,” he says. We sit there for a minute. Flowers are starting to pop up around campus as they do in the spring. The muffled chatter of kids in the gym and faint bird calls in the woods behind the school are the only sound present. I look at him, trying to make eye contact, but he turns his head away from me again. Slowly as we sit his head makes its way to my shoulder he pulls the strings of his hoodie tight and takes in a deep breath. “Do you want to go in now?” I ask brushing my pinky against his.
“No. Not really.”
“Okay. Well, I’ll wait with you until the bell rings, but I’m not missing physics.”
“Okay.” For that moment, it’s just us. Just us and the pink cherry tree that’s starting to bud. I have that impulsive temptation again; to do something I’ll regret. I want to feel his skin and make him not cry. I want to hold his hand until he feels better again.
But I don’t.
I just sit there with a rush of anxiety cutting through me like a knife, as I count each breath I take. And he just sits there, sniffling.
While Mrs. Hilbert passes out yet another giant exam review packet, I text Marina frantically under the table. Marina starts:
Did you find him?
Yeah.
Is he okay?
I don’t think so. I guess he told Emily he’s not interested and he feels bad.
Oh. So you didn’t, like,
Profess my undying love for him?
Something like that.
No I didn’t.
A typing bubble pops up, and then immediately disappears. I sigh and check the clock. Two minutes until class starts. My phone buzzes in my hand.
So you were being serious?
Did anything about last night give you the implication that I wasn’t? Of course I’m serious. I won’t do anything about it though. I’ll only make things worse. Besides, these things never work out well for me.
So self deprecating.
Idiay
Huh?
It means ‘I don’t know.’
“Mr. Reyes, do you have something you’d like to share with the class?” I look up from my phone and notice the weird stares I’m getting from people around me. “The bell just rang, phone away.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Thank you.” She slams a packet onto my desk as if to make a point. It’s ten pages long with writing on the front and back of every page. “I hate physics,” I mutter to my lab partner when she turns her back. He nods his head in agreement.
After struggling through a whole day of review packets and juggling the emotions of my entire friend group, Coach Flynn holds a meeting in the dugout after our final practice. This is exactly what I do not need. (A reminder that the entire school’s athletic reputation is on my shoulders.) I lean up against the fence and sigh. “All right, boys. Listen here. We got a day until the state championships!” There’s a chorus of cheers from the team. “So here’s what’s gonna happen…” He proceeds to go off about how CPCS will live in infamy, and a bunch of other crap. I think he’s basically just reciting war propaganda, but I’m barely paying attention at this point. I’m thinking, of course, about James. It’s not the way I normally fantasize about us together. Instead, I’m plagued with thoughts regarding his face and why he was so reluctant to look at me. What could it possibly be? I’m pulled back into the rally with an explosion of cheers, and Sean patting me on the back. “Reyes, do you have any wise words as next year’s team co-captain.”
“As next year’s... Uh... Your what?”
“Did you miss what I just said?” I look wide eyed across the room. “Yes?” There's a few chuckles as Coach shakes his head. “Son, the seniors chose you and Kurt to lead this gang next season. Now stop gaping like a fish and get your ass excited for the State Championships!” Instead of getting hyped. Everyone screams and I hesitantly stand up and create the briefest speech I possibly can. “Well, I guess in that case, I want to thank you guys for the greatest season ever, and, uh, let’s go out there and kick ass tomorrow.” Even more screaming follows. Sean Turner shakes my hand. “Do the honors?” He asks, “It’s tradition for future captain to say the cheer to break the last practice before finals.”
“Oh, uh. Okay I guess.”
“Cp!” Kurt shouts it enthusiastically. I mutter it along with him.
“CS!”
“CP!”
“CS!”
“Can you stop the blue machine?”
“Hell no!”
“Can you stop the red machine?”
“Hell no!”
“1, 2, 3, break!” Everyone throws their gloves in the air, they’re smiling and laughing and full of energy. Even Kurt seems fine with the turn of events that deemed us co-captains. I smile, pretending everything is okay, when in fact I have never been so stressed in my entire life. “See ya tomorrow, cap.” Lewis says. “Co-Captain.” Kurt clarifies. “I’m not co-captain yet,” I say uncomfortably, “Don’t strip Sean of his title, he’s still got one more game.” Everyone’s in a good mood. They smile and jump and wave as they leave the field.
Coach catches up with me on my way to the locker rooms. “Reyes, what’s up? You seem a little off.”
“Honestly? It’s been a rough week.” As we enter the room, Coach sits down on a bench, “Kiddo, it’s Monday.” I let out a sigh and threw my locker open. “I need you back for the game tomorrow, Reyes, so try and lighten up.” I nod and put on my best fake smile. “You boys are like my kids. If there’s anything I can do, you can always talk to me, but I really need you to be on top of your game–” I interrupt him, “I’m gay.” Without hesitating for a second, he responds, “And?” That was not an answer I was expecting. What is he expecting? Does he want me to share my whole life experience? Should I tell him about how I'm scared for James? “What do you mean?” I finally ask. “And what, Reyes? What does that have to do with baseball? It’s the twenty-first century, kid. On this team, no one cares if you’d rather be with a boy; all that matters to me is that you’re a damn good pitcher and that you care about your teammates like they’re brothers. Look at that team, kid, they love you. They’re not gonna care. I promise you, Reyes, you would have ended up captain one way or another. Between you and Kurt we really have our bases covered, no pun intended.”
“I’m not ashamed of it.” Neither of us buys it. He stands up and heads towards the door to his office. “Figuring yourself out is part of life, but I really . Now go home and get pumped.”
“Thanks, Coach.”
“Anytime, kiddo.” He smiles as he closes the door to his office behind him. I feel a little better having talked to Coach, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m extremely worried about James. Maybe he’ll talk to me on the way home. Coach of all people lifted my spirits just enough to make me think that somehow this might all be okay, that if James talked it out with me he’d feel better. But then James isn’t waiting outside the locker rooms for me to take him home.
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