Dear Noa,

Before I begin, I want to assure you that I won’t be asking for, or reiterating my confession. I do ask that you read the whole way through. I know what I said, what I did was wrong. I know that I’ve hurt you and it’s tearing me up inside. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

We’ve been together a long time, Noa. I mean, 17 years, right? I don’t remember a day in my life that you weren’t a part of in some way. In kindergarten we held hands and couldn’t be separated for the first month. The start of third grade was scary for me. My name had changed to Iris and I was a girl. You were my hero when it was confusing for the other kids and they picked on me. You told me every day I was the prettiest girl until I believed you. You promised that someday no one would ever question my gender.

I had dreamed for a long time that you would have that too. That someday I could be your hero when others were tearing you down. I wanted to tell you that you were the best of whatever you chose. But you never chose. We stayed close though. We got closer, I thought. I thought for sure that someday your heart would race the same way mine did when we were together.

I guess I did get to be your hero Freshman year. We told our stories together about being GMNB children. I held you when you cried from the bullies, and I stood with you when you were alone. But it was different, because you were your own hero too. You didn’t let them see it eat away at you. At first I thought you were handling it well. That you were being strong and independent. Then you built a wall. I don’t know if you see it. You hold yourself back from everyone. Even from me. Even your parents.

I knew I needed to tell you about my feelings. I couldn’t hold them in anymore, I was overflowing. Tani tried to talk me out of it, and even poor Ciel, they didn’t say anything but they didn’t seem to approve. In that moment, as you held me and sang those words, I broke. Everything came out at once, without a plan or forethought.

I won’t deny that I’d be very happy for you to transition into being a woman. I’m a lesbian in love with you, after all. But am I really in love with you if it means I'd choose for you to be a girl? I’ve had some time alone to think about this. Of course Tani was the one who asked it first. I guess I am not in love. Love would be unconditional, right? I wouldn’t dream of calling you my wife if I loved you the way you are.

I am sorry Noa. I hurt you and made a mess of our friendship. I considered only myself. I beg for your forgiveness, but I will accept if you can’t. I will wait for you.

Love always,

Iris Diaz