After I had trained with how to use a gun to the point where I could... manage to shoot, if not all that well, Bjorn told me he needed to deal with 'executive matters' and that I should go have lunch. I left for the dining hall.

In the dining hall, I saw two familiar faces.

"Anton!" I exclaimed. "Emryth! How has it been for you here in the U.S.I.?"

They both looked at me strangely.

"What?" I asked.

"You are unusually delighted to see us," said Emryth. "That is not consistent with the behavior patterns I observed of you before."

"Emryth," hissed Anton, "you didn't have to say that!"

"Well, it is true," Emryth protested.

"You're right," I said. "I feel different. I feel lighter."

"Did you... talk to someone?" asked Anton.

"Well... yeah," I said. "Bjorn."

"I feel mildly attacked that you decided to lean on the shoulder of the boy you met only hours ago over the boys you have known for at least two days," said Emryth.

"Yeah..." I winced. "I was in a bad place. I probably still am, honestly. I just feel... good right now."

"So... Bjorn made you feel good," said Anton, grinning.

"That's... one way to put it," I said as I looked at the crowd of people in the hall. Come on Amaro. It's just a crowd. You're immortal, what can they even do to you?

"Interesting..." said Anton. "Did your, uh, 'feeling good' involve nudity of any kind?"

Emryth burst into bell-like laughter.

"What?" I said. "What the hell do you mean? Nudity?"

Anton giggled. "Sorry, I had to get the innuendo in there somehow."

I felt myself blushing. And I wondered what his intentions saying that were. I was no stranger to homophobia--Giovanna had been one of the worst homophobes I knew and my dad, for all I loved him, still had been uncomfortable seeing same-sex couples on television--and I didn't know what Anton intended by saying that. Was he degrading me, somehow? Did he know I had a crush and was trying to show me support in his own Anton-esque way?

Whatever Anton meant by that, it brought up a thought... Bjorn was the only person who had seen me naked in a long time, but I still didn't think I'd be comfortable being naked in front of him, or anyone.

Giovanna's sexual uses for me... they'd left scars on my mind, like the physical scars on my thighs from when my emotions had overwhelmed me.

I suddenly didn't feel as bubbly as I once had. I turned away from Anton and Emryth and began walking into the crowd of people to get food.

"Wait, Amaro," said Anton. "Crap! I didn't mean to say something..."

I felt people's glances at me, but I didn't turn to look. I just kept my head down as I walked to the lunch line and grabbed a lunch.

It wasn't Anton's fault that I felt like this. I shouldn't have been like that to him. But I didn't really feel like being near anyone right then. I just couldn't stop thinking about how, even if somehow Bjorn wasn't a homophobe and there were feelings between Bjorn and me, they would be ruined by the scars Giovanna left in my mind.

For some minutes, Bjorn had made me feel a little bit whole, and now I felt broken again.

Bjorn would make me feel fixed, and then I would break myself. I supposed such was my fate, breaking for eternity.

I needed to distance myself from him. I needed to avoid him.

I needed a new trainer.

I tapped the shoulder of a girl standing near me. She had long, dark hair, dark skin, and elk-like antlers. She turned. I could see there were purple scales under her eyes.

"Hey..." I said. "Uh... do you know where I would go to talk about reassigning my trainer?"

"You're Amaro Boselli," said the girl, smiling, "so your trainer is Bjorn, right?"

Of course. I'd almost forgotten that basically everyone knew who I was. "Yeah..." I said uncomfortably. "We... uh... I think that his teaching style isn't really compatible with me?" Even though that was kind of a lie.

"Sure, I can reassign you to train under me, if you'd like," said the girl. She held out her hand. "I'm Azuri Erikson. I'm the vice-director of the U.S.I. who takes over if anything happens to Bjorn."

I recognized her name. Bjorn had said she was his friend.

"Yes, I am his friend," said Azuri. Crap, I'd said that aloud.

"Uh... yeah... so, uh, can I train under you?" I said.

"Alright," she said. Her eyes glazed over as she accessed her soul panel.

She blinked and then said, "You're all set. Meet me in Initiation Chamber 8 at four."

I nodded and muttered, "Thanks."

"No problem," Azuri replied, turning around to talk to someone.

I needed to avoid Bjorn. The idea of going back to his comforting presence and then thinking those thoughts that would destroy my feelings of comfort. It felt unbearable to go through that. I knew that most people wouldn't do what I was doing with such flimsy reasoning. But I'd always been a bit damaged, hadn't I?

"You know," said Azuri, turning back to look at me, "Bjorn was also saying he should stop training you."

"Oh," I said. Well, at least I wouldn't hurt any of Bjorn's feelings by leaving him, though it hurt that he wanted to stop working with me.

"He said he likes you too much," said Azuri casually.

"Likes... me... too much?" I asked, my eyes wide.

"Yes," said Azuri. "Developing strong ties with people isn't a good idea for a director. I once got stuck in the mall looking for groceries undercover and he almost flipped out because I forgot to soul-message him. Relationships are his weakness. So he avoids trying to form emotional bonds."

"Are you guys... dating?" I asked slowly. 

"Nah, we're like siblings," she said, shrugging. "As single children with family problems, we both had that void in our hearts, so we filled that for each other. Remember: four o'clock."

"Right," I said. "I'll be there."

Why did I ask whether they were dating? That was stupid. Bjorn didn't feel anything for me, and I knew very well what personal relationships did for my life. Even Anton and Emryth... I should try avoiding them. Personal relationships were bad for me. I needed to stop thinking about Bjorn like some kind of airheaded schoolkid with a dumb crush. I needed to put Bjorn out of my mind. And Anton and Emryth. I shouldn't be friends with them.

But my heart still felt like it was clenching when I thought about just... leaving them.