December 5th. It was the first snow of the winter and Takehiko’s eighteenth birthday. The boy had just finished with the day’s classes when he found himself at Het Wonderland, the most beautiful bar he had ever stepped foot in. It was relatively early for drinks, however, Takehiko did not want to go back just yet. He wanted a special drink for his special day. So he sat by the bar and ordered it. 

“Eighteen, eh?” asked the bartender in a heavy Dutch accent while proudly presenting Takehiko the elaborate cocktail. “How does it feel?”

Takehiko stared at the emerald contents of the glass and hummed as he dragged himself out of his mental abyss. He understood that the bar was nearly empty so he was bound to have the undivided attention of his server. “Everything’s the same, really,” he replied, “yet quite odd. Birthdays kinda get a bit pointless after 16, don’t you think?”

“No, not at all! Every birthday is special. You made it, you lived for one more year. You should be celebrating like you won’t have the next one!”

Takehiko’s heart froze as the man’s words echoed in his head and clashed with the thoughts his brain was violently introducing him the last few months. It was so strange. He was certain Ayaka would be waiting for him with an extremely delicious cake and a wide smile, yet he couldn’t shake off the insufferable and inexplicable nothingness he was deeply embedded in. The attractiveness of the void, the complete lack of enthusiasm. 

He pondered for a moment the reason why he was there at that moment, all alone on his birthday with a weird green drink in his hands. Why didn’t he want to celebrate? What if he didn’t have another birthday? What if this one was his very last and that was the way he’d go through such an important day? He shook his head, hoping all those stupid questions would leave him alone.

He looked at his persistent company. A strange pair of honey-brown eyes were fixed on him. Their owner was a young man with short curly brown hair that was so smartly put together and with thin-rimmed circular golden glasses that were framing his surprisingly symmetrical face perfectly. His chiselled jawline looked like it could cut Takehiko’s heart in tiny pieces. A single golden cross was hanging from his left ear and a golden ring was piercing his right nostril. He smiled.

“I think I’ve seen you here before,” the bartender said. “You’re very hard to miss. Do you come here often?”

“No,” Takehiko replied. “Just once a couple of weeks ago.”

“With that tall blond?” 

“Y-Yes.” He was surprised by the amount of detail.

The man poured himself a generous amount of cheap beer and took a sip, his eyes continuously piercing Takehiko. “Was it your boyfriend?”

“No.” Takehiko was starting to feel restless.

The man grinned and his bright set of pearly teeth reappeared between his glossy lips. “You’re beautiful.”

Takehiko wrapped his fingers around the cheap glass as anxiety was building up inside his chest. What was that guy doing? Flirting? With him? A man? But then again, not so long ago he had kissed one. And it was so good. Why not try it again? How bad could it be? “Y-you don’t look bad yourself either,” he muttered, hardly believing it was his own self speaking.

The man’s smile deepened. “I’m Tijn.”

“Tijn?”

“Ja.” He licked his lips in anticipation. “What’s yours?”

“Také.”

“Také, can I buy you the next round? If you’d like to drink with me that is.”

“Are you allowed to do that?”

Tijn briefly looked at the watch on his left hand. “My shift finished more than ten minutes ago.”

Takehiko tried to assess the situation. Tijn was very attractive and was attracted to him. Probably. He wanted to try so badly. This was his chance. But what if this went completely out of hand? What if he wanted to go back to the apartment and Ayaka was there? Did he clean up his room properly? All those thoughts were flying through his head like bullets but he was running out of time. It was a fight or flight moment. He had to choose. Fast.

“Alright.”

Tijn took his apron off and moved with his drink to the opposite side of the bar, right next to Takehiko. The two glasses quickly became four, then eight, then ten. The distance between them was getting shorter and before Takehiko realised it, his arms were wrapped around Tijn’s neck, their tongues well inside each other’s mouths. 

“Wanna take this to my place?” Tijn asked, making an effort to catch his breath.

Takehiko hesitated for a minute. On one hand, he was glad he wouldn’t have to risk facing his sister, but on the other, he wasn’t sure he was ready for what was in store for him. Then again, Tijn’s warm hands were still comfortably tucked in the back pockets of his jeans, squeezing suggestively as he was eagerly waiting for an answer.

“Is it far?” Takehiko finally said.

“No,” Tijn replied and with a jerk of his head upwards added, “Right upstairs.”

Takehiko, no longer in control of his very own actions, nodded and followed Tijn in his studio just above the bar. As they got in, Tijn grabbed Takehiko’s t-shirt with both his hands, pushed him on the wall and kissed him. Takehiko had never felt his resistance being this low. He wanted everything, right there and then. 

He let Tijn explore his body and, in turn, he let his fingers slide on every inch of that beautiful bartender. It was new, it was exciting. Scorching hot yet freakishly cold as the man’s tongue was slowly skimming its way down Takehiko’s naked chest, making every part of him shiver. 

Loop unhooked from the silver button, zip down, jeans off. 

Takehiko closed his eyes as Tijn was taking him in, the man’s mouth feeling warm and slippery. That was so much better than anything he had tried on his own. He ran his fingers through the soft short curls and tugged them tight. Deeper and faster. His knees were trembling so much he just had to wonder for a split second how the hell he was still standing. He let a series of soft moans out as he was slowly reaching climax. It was very quick but it was so good. Tijn’s tongue and fingers were caressing his extremities in all the right ways. His eyes reached the back of his skull. His body jolted as he was coming, his body fluids running along Tijn’s perfectly squared jaw.

“You sing beautifully. But… My turn now,” muttered Tijn while wiping his face with the cuff of his unbuttoned shirt. He stood up, softly pecked Takehiko and slapped the boy’s naked bottom cheeks. “How do you like it?”

“What do you mean?” Takehiko asked. 

“Doggie? On the side? Or would you like to be a bit more romantic and go missionary?”

“I- uhh... I don’t know? Can I just… Do what you did?”

“What’s the matter, princess? Scared?”

“I don’t really want to-”

“Oh come on,” Tijn mumbled while kissing Takehiko’s neck. “I’ll take good care of you.”

Takehiko began panicking. Somehow Tijn had managed to turn him around and spread his legs. No. He did not want this. Why couldn’t they just stay on the couch, give each other blow jobs and make out? He struggled to free himself from Tijn’s grip. Unwilling to let go, Tijn strengthened his grip and pinned Takehiko on the wall. He could feel the man’s member against his lower back. No, no, nonononono-

“You know, you’re really insulting me, you should be punished!” Tijn said suggestively and bit the air, the sound of his shining teeth clacking echoed in the silence.

Takehiko, still wanting to escape, managed to slip away and shoved his knee with all of his strength between Tijn’s legs, making the man groan and fall to the floor.

“I’m really sorry,” Takehiko mumbled, quickly dressed up, grabbed his belongings and rushed out. 

❦

Amsterdam - Dublin

Return

30 December - 3 January

€200

Ocean frowned at the price of the flights.

Serves me right for waiting till the last minute… 

He sighed and went ahead with purchasing the tickets. He wondered why he didn’t do it beforehand. He knew he had to go. Like every year. Except for the very last one. Maybe that was the reason he kept postponing it. But this year was different. This year, he was sober. At least at that moment.

His thoughts were quickly dismissed as a familiar figure with long brown hair was arriving at the building’s entrance.

“Oi!” Ocean called out, standing by his open window.

Takehiko paused before the door with keys in his hands. He looked very out of sorts. He waved and got in. In less than a few seconds, a knock was heard. Ocean, wearing his phone-number-winning smirk, opened the door and Takehiko stormed in without waiting for an invitation. He sat on a stool and exhaled with annoyance.

“I’m such a wimp!” he yelped.

“Sounds like you need some tea,” Ocean said. To the boy’s nod, the blond made for the kitchen cupboard. As he was waiting for the kettle to boil the water, he added, “And the craic is-”

“I made out with this guy at the bar.”

“Ah, that’s deadly. So you’re a man’s man now?”

“I-I don’t know,” Takehiko stuttered. “I-I guess?”

“Good to know. Why do you reckon you’re a wimp then?”

“He wanted to fuck.”

“Noice. And?”

“I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“And?”

“He insisted.”

“What a cunt,” Ocean chuckled, put a single tea bag in each of the two cups before him, poured some steamy water and presented one to Takehiko, one to himself and a small plate in between. He swirled the bag in his cup, added a generous amount of milk, swirled again, took the bag out, placed it on the plate and peacefully drank his perfect tea. “Next?”

“I left running.” Takehiko took the cup closer and sighed. “What’s wrong with me? I completely blew it. It was the perfect chance. And I blew it like an idiot,” nearly yelling the last word. “Why the hell did I run? Why am I such a coward? That’s why I have no friends. And that’s why I’ll never have a partner. Because I am a fucking coward!”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. First times are always scary.”

“Yeah, I know, but-”

“And you broke my heart Také. No friends? Really? Is that why you came here running?”

Takehiko looked at Ocean surprised but soon cracked a half-smile. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Is it weird to talk to you about these things?”

“Not at all. I’m up for all that hot goss.”

“Thank you. For everything.” Takehiko smiled, feeling deeply appreciative. Ocean didn’t know and probably wouldn’t understand how much this meant to him. If they hadn’t met and all this had happened regardless, Takehiko would have absolutely no one to turn to. He would simply go back to the flat and sleep on the couch, despite his sister’s efforts to get a word from him. He would bury everything out of sight, as always, and continue ignoring everything that was boiling inside him, as always. “And all of that on my fucking birthday. Could you imagine?”

“It’s your birthday?”

“Yup.”

“Happy birthday, lad,” Ocean said and clicked his mug with Takehiko’s. “You’re finally legal!”

“Why is everyone obsessing with that?”

“It’s the only thing that matters,” Ocean joked and before disappearing in his bedroom he added, “I’ll be back in a sec.”