I had been thinking about Alex all night. After what he sent when he said goodnight. The heart. I doubt it actually means something though, because he obviously doesn't like me if he's straight. I'm sure it's like a thing that some friends do, and I guess Alex is one of those people. But I still can't just forget about it.

It was cloudy when I woke up. The funeral is being held today—after a whole week—but I can't blame my parents because it has been a hard time for them. I just sat there in bed for a little while before putting on my glasses and getting out of bed. I hear my parents already downstairs, making breakfast and talking to each other. We have been talking less, but maybe it's because I always walk away whenever my mom is trying to start a conversation with me. But I just never feel like talking. My dad, however, is the total opposite. He doesn't try to force conversations. I think his mentality is that it's not a good conversation if there's not much to talk about. So if he doesn't have something worthwhile to say, then he won't say it (at least when he's talking to me.)

When my sister and I were younger, we were more drawn to our dad. He was more... laid back than my mom, I guess. He would usually let us have one more cookie after dinner if mom wasn't home. He was just more fun too. His parenting style and my mom's balanced each other out. My mom was the one who kept more order. She was more strict.

I walk downstairs to the dining room/kitchen, where my parents are sitting. My mom says good morning to me and I say the same thing back, to be polite. There's no breakfast on the table, just a cup of coffee and a cup of tea; the coffee in front of my dad and the tea by my mom. I noticed how the talking stopped after I started walking down the stairs.

"Is there no breakfast?" I ask to anyone who is listening.

"What was that, Earnie?" my mom asks. Turns out no one was listening to me. "Just make breakfast for yourself," she says before I can ask my question again. I just make two slices of toast, which is a normal size breakfast for me. Sometimes I don't eat anything at all for breakfast, and just go to school with an empty stomach, which is something I've been doing a lot more of these past few days.

I get dressed for the funeral, dressing in a black button up shirt my mom told me to wear. I don't remember the last time I wore this, but it's starting to get a little tight around the wrists. But I just need to bear it for one day.

"Earnest, are you getting ready up there?" my mom calls from downstairs. I check the time and it's not even close to eight o'clock yet. I don't understand the rush, but my mom always like to get to events earlier than needed; sometimes hours before depending on the even or where we are going to.

One time on summer vacation, we were going to Disney World, and my mom had read this book about the efficient way to travel through all of the Magic Kingdom Park in three days. The book recommended to get to the park early, but it didn't specify how early. So you can probably guess what happened. We woke up at 6:00, ate breakfast in half an hour, and got out of the hotel by 7:00. We arrived at the actual parking lot at 7:30, which is a little less than two hours before opening time. And they didn't let us into the park, obviously, so we just waited in the car for the two hours.

"Earnest!" my mom calls again.

"I'm coming!" I respond, walking out of my room and down the stairs.

. . .

The funeral wasn't any different than a normal funeral. Although I've only been to one other on before, and it was for my grandfather on my mom's side. I don't remember that one well since I was five, but my mom was bawling out eyes out. Don't get me wrong, I was crying too (like a lot) but not audibly, at least, like my mom was.

Alex came up to me at lunch the next day. I didn't see him at the morning at all, but I didn't try looking for him. I was just sitting at our usual spot.

"Hey, Earnest!" he says, sitting down in front of me.

"Hi," I say, pulling my sandwich out of a brown paper bag.

"I missed you yesterday," Alex says as he takes out his lunch.

I smile a little bit. "I mean... I missed you too... I guess," I say, my face dropping as I mumble the last part.

"Is there something wrong?" he asks, lowering his face to look at mine. I shake my head.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" he says.

I nod. "I know that."

"I won't force you to talk, but just know that I'm here."

I nod again and say, "Let's just talk about something else," trying to change the subject.

"Okay..." he says, tapping his chin. He looks around the cafeteria. "Is there anyone that you like?" Alex asks.

I blush. "Huh?" The mood has changed drastically, but I don't care. As long as we're not talking about what happened yesterday.

Alex smiles. "Y'know. Do you have a crush on anyone here? I mean, you've know some of these people longer than I have."

I nervously laugh. "I-I don't know."

"C'mon, you can tell me! I won't tell anyone else."

You. You. You. You. You. I keep thinking. "Umm..." I look around the room, pretending I'm looking for someone. Then again, I'm curious about what Alex might say.

"How about you go first?" I say, scratching the back of my neck.

Alex has a nervous smile. "Well, there's this one girl in my class who I like who sits next to me. Straight brown hair, brown eyes..."

"What's her name?" I ask.

"I think her name was... Sarah? Yeah, that's right. Sarah. We talk a lot in class, but we've never really asked for each other's names."

I feel like crying for some reason. But I suck it up and just sigh.

"Now it's your turn," Alex says. "Who do you have a crush on?"

You, you, you, just comes into my mind again. Should I just agree with him? Or I can just say that I don't really like anyone? I open my mouth to speak.

"You."

Well fuck. It slipped right out of my mouth before I knew it. I blush, looking down at the table.

Alex is silent for a few seconds and then starts laughing. "You're joking, right? I mean seriously, Earnest, who do you actually like?"

I sort of laughed along weakly. "Yeah, that was... a joke." I just choose to agree with Alex. "Yeah, I guess I like Sarah, too." It's so strange saying that, but it kind of just rolled off my tongue in some odd way.

Alex chuckles. "Yeah, she's great."