Noah

I never end up falling asleep. I’m in too much pain. After an hour of trying, I finally gave up. I pulled out my phone and put in my earbuds. I put my favorite playlist on shuffle and take a deep breath in and out. I look around the room but it’s dark so I can barely see anything. There’s a beacon of light coming through the window from the illuminated track. I slowly lift my hand to my face, gently touching the damaged skin.

Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve been woken up by someone violently yanking me out of bed. I remember their faces, how angry they were. One of them pinned me down while the other two took turns punching me. I thought about fighting back. Because in truth, I could have at least gotten one or two solid punches in. But if I get kicked out of the school, I’d be sent to prison. So I didn’t fight. And they took their time. Full power strikes to the face, to the stomach. I couldn’t move for a good twenty minutes. When I finally managed to get my shit together, I had missed breakfast. I wasn’t planning on going anyways. Then when lunch came, I thought about all the questions I would get from Ten. Then, at dinner, I was too tired and decided to take a nap instead. I was relieved to find that no one was in the room and I could sleep.

And when I woke up two hours later, I realized I had forgotten to read the book for my class the following day. When I got to the library, I saw Ten through the rectangular glass in the door. I thought about aborting the mission but I really needed to get that book. So I kept my head down and quickly walked to the aisle of books. But of course, he saw me. I tried hiding my face from him but I failed. And then he got so angry. The kind of rage that makes someone look eerily calm and calculated. But of course, that wasn’t the case.

I look over at the bed.

His body is sprawled out across the bed, blanket only covering the bottom half of his legs. The light coming from the window illuminates his muscles in a way that makes me hurt more than the bruises on my body. I slowly stand up and walk closer. He sleeps soundlessly, mouth slightly parted, eyes unmoving and shut, dark lashes resting against his face. His short dark hair falls slightly to the right, brushing the pillow. I turn my music down.

“Because that’s how I feel. My heart is heavy and my mind is swollen. Always has been and I think it always will be.” I whisper an answer to his question regarding my tattoo.

I watch as his chest rises and falls. I just want to…I just want to…but I suppress the thought.

I walk back to the couch and slump down into it. I look over at the wooden desk that has a bunch of work on it. I go over to it and start rummaging through the papers and books left open. It’s probably not the most polite thing to do, but I was far too curious to care.

Most of the papers on his desk are just school notes. I sit in the chair by the desk. I open the first drawer. Some pens, a switchblade, notepads, and other random things. The second draw has an opened box of condoms. I don’t stop myself from looking at how many are left in the box. There seems to be only a few missing. I breathe out, not having realized that I was holding my breath. I’m not one to speculate on people’s sexual habits but I would think there would be more missing from the box.

I think about when that guy put a flirtatious hand on Ten’s chest. That guy’s eyes had only one look in them and that was desire. He didn’t bother trying to hide it. I wonder if they ever hooked up. The guy was good looking and seemed very into Ten. I frown as I picture his hand lingering on his chest. But Ten told me to stay away from him. Maybe he wasn’t such a good guy? 

I shut the drawer and look back to where Ten slept.

I wish I knew how to be normal. I think if I did, I would tell him everything. Because despite being shit at opening up, I want to tell him everything. I don’t know why. Maybe because he’s the first person to actually seem to care about anything I have to say? Maybe because he makes me feel safe? Maybe because I trust him?

I know I told him I didn’t but I do. It doesn’t make sense, but I do.

You have never trusted anyone in nineteen years. Why do you decide now to trust a guy you only met a week ago? 

But to be fair, who wouldn’t trust him? He’s perfect. Every goddamn thing about him is just without flaw and it’s so maddening. How could someone be like that? It must be such a burden.

The sudden sound of Ten shifting in bed startles me. He twists and turns, face no longer looking peaceful.

“Ten?”

I walk over to the bed and watch as he makes soft panicked noises.

“Ten?” I say again. But he’s sleeping. I hesitate at first, considering the consequences of what I am about to do, but when I look at his pained face, I lean over and try shaking him awake.

“Ten, you’re having a bad dream,” I saw in a loud semi-whisper. He doesn’t wake up. I try again and still nothing. So I step onto the bed, knees planted on the mattress, and shake him with he little strength I have at the moment.

And suddenly I’m pinned beneath him, his hands gripping my wrists, knees on either side of my thighs.

“It’s me!”

He stares down at me, eyes alert.

“You were having a nightmare so I tried to wake you.”

He doesn’t say anything and just stares down at me, eyes slowly softening. He loosens his grip of my wrists.

“You shouldn’t try waking me up next time. I could've hurt you,” he says from above me.

“Next time? You get them a lot?” I ignore the implication that this sleeping arrangement is more than a one-night thing.

“Yeah, they aren’t too bad.” 

“Okay good.” I probably should tell him to get off of me but I let myself have this.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you take the medicine? How long has it been since?” I wonder if this position is natural for him because he doesn’t seem to be bothered by the intimacy of it.

“I’m fine.” I stare up at him, my bruised face probably looking like a monstrosity beneath him. I quickly glance at my wrists, where his hands are still gripped around.

“Shit, sorry.” He realizes and quickly let's go, moving off of me and sitting against the wall.

I sit up and smooth out my unruly hair. “What were you dreaming about?”

“Abducted by aliens.”

“Seriously.”

He smiles tiredly and says, “I can never remember. I just know how I felt.”

“How did you feel?”

He looks at me for a moment, thinks, and says, “Empty.”

“That’s awful. I’m sorry.”

“Forgiven,” he jokes. “It’s okay, it’s just how I felt in a dream.”

I wish I could wake up from my emptiness. I don’t give a voice to that thought. 

“I don’t mean to be so awkward.”

He looks at me confused.

“I’ve been a dick to you when you’ve been nothing but kind to me. I don’t know why you are because I certainly don’t deserve it, but I appreciate it.”

He smiles, “Will you stop avoiding me now?”

“I wasn’t avoiding you.” Lies.

“Okay, sure.” I watch as he raises his hand to my head and tousles my hair like I’m a child. I have to hold back for learning into the touch. I feel myself weakening so I smack his hand away.

“Aye, you’re messing up my hair.”

He lets out a “ha!” and says, “Your hair is always messy.”

“I know. I could never figure it out,” I admit.

“Don’t try to. It looks good like this.” Calm down, Noah. Don’t look into his eyes. Don’t look at his lips. Don’t you dare even look at his shirtless chest. I fail on the last one. 

“Look, kindness doesn’t need to be deserved. It’s a person’s right to give their kindness to whomever they please. And besides, I’m not that nice. Not all the time, at least.”

“What’s something mean you’ve done recently?”

“I make fun of Wade all the time.”

“Doesn’t count.”

“I’m not being nice to Maddy. I’m leading her on.”

“That’s the same category of Wade.”

“Well-”

“You should tell her.” It comes out of nowhere. He’s surprised at my sudden need to voice my opinion.

“I-“

“It could really hurt her. Being played like that is damaging.” I think about how I would feel.

He raises an eyebrow at me and frowns, “You have experience with such matters?”

I think about the ugly past, “Not really like this. Being played? Yes.”

“Would you tell me?”

I try to suppress the panic because really, I wanted to. I want to let him in. But I also know that letting people in is incredibly dangerous. Too risky. “I don’t- I can’t-“

He puts a hand on my shoulder and says, “It’s okay, you don’t have to. I’m sorry if you feel like I’m pressuring. I just want to know if you’re okay.”

The weight of his hand weakens me. It makes me feel out of control. “I am…now.” He smiles, satisfied with the answer. 

I watch him think for a moment. “I’ve always wanted a tattoo. I think, when I leave, I’ll get one.” He isn’t looking at me as he tries to envision the future. I had forgotten about him seeing my tattoo. I wonder if he looked up what it meant. 

“What would you get?”

His one-sided smile suggests that whatever he says next is meant to tease me and I brace myself. “Maybe your name?”

I feel my cheeks burn. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“You’re right. It would have to be more subtle than that. How about an ark?”

He beams at me and I don’t dare entertain the thought of him actually getting a tattoo for me. I think about the biblical reference.

“Didn’t strike me as a religious guy.” I didn’t mean it to sound as surprised as it did.

“Why not?” He didn’t seem offended, rather, curious.

“I don’t know, just a feeling.” Because I really didn’t know why I felt that way.

“I’m not really religious but I believe in God. I believe in a higher power. I think religion can confuse what it means to believe. Actually, I believe that religion confuses everything. Too many people use religion as a weapon.” I just stare at him, unable to comprehend his loveliness. I try to think of something to say, but I can’t.

“Are you?”

“Religious? No.”

His expression is unreadable. But then he smirks again and says, “I’d still get an ark. Don’t have to be religious to use a biblical reference.”

I let out a light chuckle. The sound surprised me, sounded almost foreign. When I looked back at him, he’s not smiling. Instead, his face is pulled into a frown.

“What is it?”

“The world is unfair sometimes.” There’s something in his eyes, something I can’t really place.

And despite not knowing what he was specifically referring to, I answer “yeah, it is.” 

Ten

I round the corner to the main offices, smiling at a few familiar faces that were happy to see me.

I knocked on the door and when he invited me in, I opened the door and immediately sat in the chair across from his desk. The General looked surprised to see me, but not disappointed. Good enough, I suppose.

“Ten, what is it?”

“I have a favor to ask you.” I play with my hands, nervously waiting for his response.

“Go ahead.” He waits for me to make the request.

“Noah Finley, I know I’ve mentioned him before, but this is about something else. I want him to switch into my room.”

When he reacts, I realize I hadn’t really thought this through. Noah and I ended up talking for a while about nothing of great importance, but nonetheless, it felt important. Whatever was between us was important. Whether it would ever be anything more than friendship was irrelevant at the moment. For now, it felt good to be making a new friend. When the sun began to rise, we went for a run, despite my opposition. I thought he should rest, his body still being sore from the beating. But he insisted and we went to the track. This time, we didn’t race. Instead, I accommodated to his pace, and we ran side-by-side, silent, only our heavy breaths between us. We parted ways for training, and during a break, I made my way to The General’s office, hoping to get permission.

“Absolutely not.”

I tried to remain composed, “Can you allow me to explain my reasoning?” When he doesn’t object, I continue, “He is not well-liked among the CAU. He is far too skilled for them and has managed to accidentally create many enemies. Because of this, he was woken up to a few students beating the shit out of him. He isn’t safe there.”

He doesn’t respond immediately, allowing him time to think about what I have said.

“I could transfer him to another room.”

“No. He isn’t safe with any CAU. If he is eventually going to transfer to CCIU, let him room with me.”

“Ten, how could you possibly think I would allow this when I know you’re...habits. You’re being unreasonable.” I’m surprised that frustration isn’t the only thing I’m feeling. I feel desperate. 

“It has nothing to do with that. Besides, he isn’t gay. You know I’m not one to force myself on someone.” I felt slightly lightheaded when I spoke.

“I can move him to another CCIU room.”

I think about how to get out of this one. “The Cybat rooms are all occupied. You’d have to add another bed and I don’t think anyone would be happy to have less space. I have a large room. It makes sense.”

“You have that room because you wanted it. You wanted to be alone. Why would you change your mind?”

“Because I think it’s worth giving up. If I can make his life easier here, then I will. You and I both know that he isn’t here by choice. Allow me to give him this, at least.”

“Why are you asking?”

I know what he is asking. He knows me. He knows that I usually don’t ask before I do something that technically needed permission.

“Because this isn’t scandalous. It’s a practical matter.” And that’s why I asked. Me asking shows that I’m not doing this for anything other than his safety and well-being. I couldn’t risk having him found out and then getting in trouble. The point was to protect him, not make things worse.

“Fine. I’ll allow it for now.”

I try to contain my pleasure, “Thank you, sir.”

“He doesn’t want to report his attackers?”

“No. He doesn’t want it being anything more than it already has been.” The General was smart. He knew how these things work and that’s why he doesn’t push the matter.

“Does he need medical attention?”

“I took care of it.”

I stand up to leave when he asks, “If I had said no, would you have done it anyway?”

Before turning my back to leave I say, “Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to.”

I don’t wait to see his reaction.