I was sitting admiring the thawing spring snow, as it melts into one with the dirt of the garden, tugging my wispy beard and sipping my tea, when a little lassie dug her head into my bony legs, within her arms a book of fairytales.

‘Grandpa,’ she said cutely, closer to Guan Pa, as though I were Chinese, ‘read me a story.’

‘Now what would you like?’ I asked her.

‘Anything is fine, I’ve seen all the movies.’

‘... Then why would you ask me to read for you?’

‘Because the power’s out, and I can’t watch TV, and mummy’s tablet is d-dwying, and mummy’s already chattering away on her phone.’

So it was up to this old pair of shoulders to carry the grave burden.

1

‘You take it’, she said as she wedged the thick volume into my haggard ribs.

‘... There is no need for that. It will only break my arms.’

‘Then how will you read me a story?’ she asked with rounded eyes.

‘I can still remember a couple that I can tell you without looking at a book.’

‘But what if the way you tell it’s different from the movies?’

‘... Do you want to listen to my story, or wait till the power comes back?’

And so the story began.

2

‘Once upon a time~’

‘The way you tell it’s so old!’

‘Ahum! You’ve to respect the traditions!’

‘Yes~~~!’

Once upon a time—specifically a hundred and sixty years ago—’

‘What happened to tradition!?’

‘—there was a girl—’

‘She was a princess right!? It’s always a princess!’

‘—in a story—’

‘Wha!?’

‘—in a book.’

‘Whaaa!!?’

‘That book was Grimm’s Fairy Tales, 1857.’

‘Are you even telling a story, Grandpa?’

‘That girl was a princess.’

‘Now you say it...’

3

‘She was born with skin as white as snow.’

‘Ooh-ooh! I know this story!’

‘And for that white skin, she was…’

‘She was named Snow White! Her name is Snow White!’

‘... fortunate not to be mistaken for an albino--who were persecuted as atrocities at the time.’

‘...!’

‘It was a close call, but she’d managed to grow some hair.’

‘... You’re not serious at all, are you, Grandpa?’

‘I’m always serious.’

‘...’

4

‘The princess that came to be known as Snow White had a stepmother, and this woman was also a Witch possessing a magical talking Mirror. She took extreme pride in her feminine beauty—’

‘Seems normal again.’

‘—and every day, she looked into the Mirror and asked: “Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” ’

‘Like mummy and Siri.’

‘The Mirror always answered: “You are the fairest of them all.” ’

‘The suck-up just doesn’t want to be unplugged.’

‘But as the days passed, the Witch grew older and older, while Snow White grew more beautiful and mature, and one day the Mirror said: “Snow White is the fairest of them all.” ’

‘You cheater!’

‘... Why did you say that, child?’

‘Cause it seemed like something mummy would say.’

5

‘... The Witch, however, had faith in her Mirror’s judgement, and thus resolved to have her rival assassinated.’

‘Things got serious all of a sudden.’

‘She ordered the Hunter to go take her life, and as proof of his kill, she ordered him to bring back…’

‘Snow White’s heart!’

‘... She ordered him to bring back her liver and lungs.’

‘...!!!’

‘For it is a healthy liver and lungs that give you a beautiful skin.’

‘What about the beauty of the spirit?!’

‘This story judges by the cover.’

‘...’

6

‘The Hunter heeded his command, but when he met Snow White, he couldn’t find it within him to tarnish her beauty, and so he told her to flee for her life, free from the wicked reach of her stepmother.’

‘Typical male…’

‘To save his own skin, when the Hunter returned, he brought back to the Witch the liver and lungs of a young pig, and told her it was Snow White’s.’

‘This is a bit strange, but pretty good too!’

‘Then she ordered him, “Boil it with salt”, and then she ate it!’

‘......!!!!!!’

‘Like I’ve said, liver and lungs are healthy for the skin.’

‘You said it differently! I swear you said it differently!!!’

7

‘Snow White escaped into the woods, and her beauty persuaded all the animals to help her.’

‘Males!—males everywhere!’

‘Now, now child. You shouldn’t say that!’

‘But why?’

‘What if some of them were females?’

‘...!!!’

‘It’d be insensitive.’

‘How old do you think the story is, Grandpa…’

‘The animals led her to a lovely little house in the woods, where there were seven little plates of food and seven little beds. And because she was such a practical, materialistic creature—’

‘It’s supposed to be innocent and carefree!’

‘—Snow White ate her fill and slept on all seven beds at once.’

‘Wasn’t this supposed to be the ideal woman…’

8

‘The Seven Dwarfs, the rightful owner of the house, returned to find their food all eaten.’

‘I sure hope they weren’t hungry, getting home from work and all…’

‘So they all surrounded Snow White as she drowsily woke on their beds.’

‘Something feels wrong about this scene…’

‘They eventually forgave her trespass and depriving them of their long-awaited supper…’

‘Let me guess, because she’s beautiful again?’

‘...On the condition that she had to do their housekeeping.’

‘Didn’t she volunteer to do it out of her natural cleanly nature!? She had to wash dishes because she couldn’t pay!?’

9

‘And so Snow White settled peacefully in with the Seven Dwarfs. Meanwhile, the Witch had thought that she had become the most beautiful woman in the world, having eaten Snow White’s liver and lungs—’

‘Eww~~’

‘So she decided again to consult her smartpho—I mean, her Magic Mirror.’

‘It’s alright, Grandpa, I won’t snitch to mummy.’

‘The mirror replied in the same old way, and even revealed Snow White’s current position.’

‘It’s even equipped with GPS…!’

‘Finding out that her rival was still alive, and the lungs and liver she had just eaten were only an animal’s, the Witch resolved to kill Snow White again.’

‘So did she, like, have the skin of a pig right now?’

10

‘The Witch disguised herself as an old lady, and brought along tools for murder. She posed as an old peddler, and wandered into the remote woods where Snow White lived, exclaiming “Goods here! Get your goods here!” ’

‘Peddling in the abandoned woods seems completely profitable and unsuspicious.’

‘Snow White was curious as to what the old lady had to offer, and she produced from her basket…’

‘An apple! She took out the poisoned apple!!’

‘... She took out a beautiful assortment of laces.’

‘What!?’

11

‘Snow White saw the laces and fell in love immediately, inviting the woman into the house where there was a mirror so she could see how they looked on her.’

‘She’s only concerned about her looks…’

‘And while she put the laces upon Snow White’s body, the disguised Witch—’

‘Secretly put poison on an apple, didn’t she?!’

‘—suddenly used the laces to strangle her neck.’

‘Was she a professional killer!?’

‘She even tightened laces all over her chest!’

‘Was that really necessary?’

‘Seeing that Snow White was no longer breathing, she immediately returned to her castle, happy to have accomplished her wish.’

‘It can’t be that this is how Snow White died?!’

12

‘The Seven Dwarfs returned to find Snow White asphyxiated, and in their panic, hurriedly loosened the laces.’

‘What happened then, Grandpa?’

‘And Snow White was revived.’

‘Are you for real!’

‘The Witch went back to asking her Mirror, and furiously found out about her failure.’

‘When your work is that sloppy what else can you expect?’

‘So she disguised herself into a different old lady and went peddling in the woods again.’

‘Can’t she think of any other excuse!? And Snow White won’t be tricked again, will she?’

‘When the Witch knocked on her door, Snow White had already been told by the Dwarfs not to invite anyone in, because it could be someone the Witch had sent to kill her.’

‘Way to go, Dwarfs! High five—thirty five!

‘They cautiously added that even people with nothing to do with the witch might not be trusted, because they might have dangerous hobbies like asphyxiation.’

‘...!!!’

13

‘Unable to enter, the old lady said to Snow White, “Very well, I only need to leave you the product’, and she took out—’

‘The poisoned apple! This time it has to be the poisoned apple!’

‘—a fashionable comb.’

‘More bimbo-bait!’

‘The Witch slipped back into the woods to observe Snow White being overjoyed with her new comb.’

‘Bimbo!!’

‘But when she placed it snugly on her head, she convulsed and fell over, no longer breathing.’

‘So the comb was poisoned!’

‘But when the Dwarfs returned and took the comb off her head, she came back to life.’

‘Was it acupuncture then?!’

14

‘The Witch disguised herself as yet another old lady peddling in the woods.’

‘This is the third time already…’

‘This time Snow White had been carefully instructed by the dwarfs, not to let anyone in or to receive anything from anyone.’

‘If Snow White gets tricked again then she is dumber than a baby!’

‘The old lady produced a very beautiful apple, which made Snow White want it the moment she saw it.’

‘The apple!! Finally there’s an apple!’

‘But she dared not receive it.’

‘Way to go, Snow White!!!’

‘The old lady laughed, “Are you afraid it’s poisoned?” ’

‘Very afraid!! And did she just technically confess? Realize it, Snow White!’

15

‘ “Then let me eat it for you first.” And so she bit into the apple.’

‘...!!!’

‘Seeing that the old lady was still alive, Snow White no longer had any hesitation and took the apple—’

‘Noo!!! Snow White!!’

‘—because the apple was oh so beautiful that it made her drool to look at it.’

‘Again with the “beautiful” stuff! Why is everyone in this story obsessed with beauty?!!’

‘And because she didn’t want to taste the old lady’s saliva, she turned the apple around to take her bite.’

‘Did you really have to be that specific...’

‘But then she rolled over and died.’

‘So that’s what it was! The witch’s work has been shoddy all over the place but I have to admit this is pretty well-planned!’

‘The Dwarfs returned and used every conceivable method to wake her to life.’

‘May I ask what methods they used?’

‘But ultimately, they had to accept the fact that she was dead.’

‘Now for the Prince’s turn!!’

16

‘The Seven Dwarfs put her into a casket for the funeral when a Prince passed by.’

‘There he is!!’

‘He saw how beautiful Snow White was in her casket…’

‘And love at first sight made it irresistible for him to kiss her!!’

‘...And he offered to buy the casket and its contents from the Seven Dwarfs.’

‘......!!!!!!!!!’

‘When the Dwarfs wouldn’t sell—’

‘They wouldn’t dare!!’

‘—the Prince told them to just give it to him.’

‘What kind of bargaining is that!’

‘He promised to treat Snow White well, as though she were the most important girl in his life, even though she was already dead.’

‘That last part made it kind of…’

17

‘The Seven Dwarfs took pity on the young man—’

‘Yeah, poor Prince…’

‘—and allowed him to take the casket. He had his men transport Snow White back to his castle.’

‘This story seems longer than the movie.’

‘But along the way, a servant tripped, and dropped the casket.’

‘You have to be kidding me!’

‘The drop created a phenomenon similar to the heimlich effect, and the poisoned piece of apple popped out of Snow White’s mouth.’

‘Really!!? The Dwarfs tried everything but the heimlich?! What were they even doing?!’

‘Snow White was revived, and the Prince no longer had to be in love with a corpse. The end.’

‘That’s the end!!?’

‘Oh and there was the part about Snow White forcing the Witch to wear metal shoes filled with hot coal which made her dance until she died.’

18

‘That’s not what I meant!—and Snow White really was serious about her vengeance, huh—the problem is that this ending isn’t romantic, this isn’t Snow White?! Tell me the story again the right way!’

‘You don’t like this version?’

‘I don’t!!’

‘Shall I tell you the original version then?’

‘Yes!!!’

‘Ahum! Once upon a time, specifically two hundred and eight years ago, there was a girl in a story in a book. That book was Grimm’s Fairy Tales, 1812. The girl was a princess—’

‘Cut!! Cut!!! Grandpa, are the parts in the middle very similar?’

‘They’re basically the same.’

‘Then could please just fast forward?’

‘Fast forward?’

‘You just need to tell me how it ends, starting when the Prince appears.’

‘Very well! The Prince demanded the Seven Dwarfs hand over the Snow White’s casket to him—’

‘Again!! Were all princes back then necrophiliacs?!’

‘—and he managed to have her safely transported to his home.’

‘At least she wasn’t dropped this time.’

19

‘Ever since then, the Prince forced people to carry the casket wherever he went, infatuated as he was with her beauty.’

‘... The last version wasn’t clear about it but the Prince really needs to go see a shrink.’

‘One day, the Prince was out, and a servant climbed onto the casket, and he gave Snow White—’

‘It can’t be!! Was Snow White’s true love actually…!!’

‘—a good old smacking.’

‘......!!!!!!!!!!’

‘He had become just infuriated with having to carry her around everywhere.’

‘Noo…’

‘That was when Snow White coughed out a piece of poisoned apple, and woke up.’

‘Noooooo!!!!!’

‘And the Prince no longer had to be in love with a corpse. The end.’

‘The end?!!!’

‘Oh and there was the part about Snow White forcing the Witch to wear metal shoes filled with hot coal which made her dance until she died.’

20

‘Not that!!!—What about the kiss?!!!’

‘The what?’

‘The kiss that brings her back to life?!!’

‘There is no such thing.’

‘There just had to be a kiss!!’

‘Kids these days have no common sense. If eating an apple kills you then getting it out saves you—how does a kiss get in the middle of this? Did you mistake it with Sleeping Beauty?’

The little girlie’s eyes then sparkled like a pair of crystals. She growled:

‘Give me back my childhood!!!’

And who’s giving me back my relaxing afternoon?

~~~

The End