Why did I dart behind the tree? This was a big mistake. I now have the option of immediately making myself known, or just sort of lurking here. Both routes present problems. Aiden must have me thinking too much about energy, because I imagine I can almost feel it thickening between him and Ralph, brewing and heavy like the air before a tornado. I need to decide fast what I’m going to do. The longer I stand here, the more likely I am to get caught, or to hear something I wasn’t meant to. Aiden, unfortunately, chooses this moment to say:

“Fine. You want to talk, let’s talk. What’s the issue?”

“What’s the issue? Are you fucking serious?” I’m ten or so feet away, but Ralph isn’t bothering to keep his voice down, and neither is Aiden. I can hear them both easily, and I can also hear the sudden anger revealing itself in Ralph’s voice. Anger which Aiden, apparently, already knew was there. Sometimes I forget how long these two have known each other. Maybe I can’t anticipate the abrupt pendulum swing of Ralph’s mood, but Aiden can. “You know why I’m pissed,” Ralph snaps.

Aiden sighs deeply.

“Ralph, listen-”

“How long has it been since you moved back? You’ve hit me up one time. We went to that party, and that’s it. Not word one ever since. What the fuck?”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Aiden. You’ve been gone for ten years-”

“Eight years.”

“And you finally show back up and you’re too busy to see me more than once? Bull. Shit. Have you forgotten who the fuck was always there for you, when you were here? You were the saddest kid on the playground before I showed up. It used to be us versus everyone, don’t you fucking remember? Now you show back up out of the blue, we hang out exactly one time-”

“Maybe if you guys hadn’t spent the whole time trying to force drinks down my throat, I’d have hit you up again! Did you think of that? I told you over and over again that I quit, and you-”

“That’s what this is really about, isn’t it?” Ralph interrupts, his voice burning even hotter. “You’re straight-edge now, so you’re better than all of us. That’s what it is? That is the lamest transformation to watch anyone go through, Aiden, but especially you. You used to be fucking unstoppable, and now you’re what, a Boy Scout searching through the woods to help the city find some old dump? Someone killed off the beast in you, they made you dead. Now you think you’re better than the rest of us.”

“When did I say anything even remotely suggesting that?” Aiden’s voice flares in anger and drops lower again. I can’t see him, but I can imagine it, the way he stops to take a breath and even out. “I’m not here to drag you to an AA meeting or preach about the wonders of sobriety. I’m not even straight-edge, I just don’t drink anymore. I could give two fucks about whether or not you do.”

“So what is it, then?” Ralph’s voice is venomous. “Was it Angie? That brat. She told you, didn’t she?”

“I have to assume you’re talking about the fact that you made a pass at Melanie right after I left?”

“I knew Angie couldn’t keep her mouth shut. I’m gonna wring her neck.”

“It’s nothing to do with Angie. Or Melanie, for that matter, and she had every right to be pissed at me, you don’t know the half of it.”

“What about me? Don’t I have the right to be pissed at you?” I hear the crunch of leaves, Ralph taking a step closer to Aiden. “At least you told Melanie what you were going to do. You didn’t tell me anything, and then you left me with nothing but a black eye.”

“That’s because I learned a long time ago that if a plan doesn’t suit you, you’ll happily ruin it. I didn’t want you to get in my way, and I knew you would if I told you what I was going to do.”

“I would have gone with you, man. Melanie said she knew for years that you were planning to go. You didn’t tell me for years.”

“I didn’t want you to come with me, Ralph!” Aiden snaps. There’s a sharp, ringing silence, and Aiden clears his throat. “I didn’t want to bring anything or anyone from Ketterbridge with me. I wanted to forget the entire place existed at all.”

“Then why come back?” jeers Ralph, whose frigid tone has grown even colder. “Don’t tell me it was for Melanie. Don’t tell me you actually ever cared about her. She was just some bitch-”

“Shut the fuck up, dude!”

“Are you kidding me? You’re really going to pretend that you gave a fuck about Melanie? The way you were around her-”

“Don’t think I didn't care about her. I did. She was a sweet girl, it’s not her fault that I was always an asshole. Don’t talk about her like that.”

“How about a little friendly competition, then?” Ralph asks. “See which one of us can get her first. That should settle everything out.”

“She’s not a stuffed animal you win at a carnival booth, man. Jesus Christ. It doesn’t matter anyway, because like I said, it’s nothing to do with her. I’m just sick of living like we did, I don’t want to anymore. Being angry all the time isn’t actually better than being sad all the time.”

“What happened to you, Aiden? Honestly, who neutered you, who chopped your balls off? We used to do everything together and there were no rules and it was the fucking best. We were like brothers. Now here we are arguing about your feelings like a bunch of girls at camp.”

“We were not brothers, dude. The only thing we ever had in common was that we thought the solution to our problems was on the other end of a stiff drink. Maybe that still works for you, it doesn’t for me.”

“It worked for you the last time I saw you,” Ralph spits, “When instead of saying goodbye you punched me in the fucking face.”

“You hit me first. I was trying to say goodbye.”

“I was trying to knock some sense into you, and I barely clipped you. You rang my fucking bell and then left while I was still out on the floor. My ear was ringing for a week afterward. Five entire years you’d never let me lay a finger on Jamie Keane, even though he was practically begging for an ass-kicking, then you clock me in the face when I try to talk you out of skipping town, hammered, with nothing but a bus ticket in your pocket. Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on there, by the way. With you and Keane.”

My heart is a confused bird flying frantic circles, crashing against the bars of its cage. I don’t know what to do with myself, so I just hold still, my fingers pressed against rough bark.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Aiden snaps.

“Oh, come on, dude. It’s so obvious. You’re all buddy-buddy now, and I know why. The good news is, I can free you up from this particular obligation.”

“Obligation-? Ralph, say what you want to say or I’m leaving.”

“What I’m saying is, you don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Pretend to be Keane’s friend because you feel bad for him.”

I sink down against the tree. The bark scrapes at my back through my shirt, but I hardly feel it. This comment is met with silence from Aiden, and I wish more than anything that I could see the look on his face right now. I need something to offer me a hint of what he’s thinking. Ralph starts talking again before Aiden can say anything.

“I get it, man. We messed with him a lot in high school, and you come back to find him walking around with a big frown on his face cause his little friend just died. Sad, sad, but not your fucking problem. It’s on him if he’s still fixating on high school, that was forever ago. You don’t have to go around parading as his BFF or whatever. You don’t owe him anyth-” The crunch of leaves being stepped on. “What the fuck - hey, let go of me, man!”

I peek around the tree for just an instant. Just long enough to see that Aiden has a fistful of Ralph’s shirt gripped in his hand, so tightly that he’s almost got Ralph pulled onto his tiptoes.

“Ralph,” Aiden says, with gravitas that doesn’t match what he’s doing right now, “Listen to me. That. Is. Not. The situation.”

In spite of everything, the ice that was creeping over me suddenly warms. I drop my head, press my face into my shaking hands. Amazing how Ralph manages to get into my head, and he doesn’t even know that I’m here. He’s an expert at that.

“What the fuck has gotten into you?” Ralph is saying. “You used to hate Keane the most out of any of us. Even I didn’t understand it, and I’m no card-carrying member of his fan club.”

“What you’re doing right now,” Aiden growls, “Is looking for anyone to blame but yourself. Trust me, I’m familiar with the symptoms. It’s Melanie’s fault, it’s Angie’s fault, it’s my fault, it’s Jamie’s fault, anyone but yours, even though I’m telling you the truth to your face. I don’t want to be around people who try to manipulate me. You know who doesn’t do that? Jamie. And not just because he’s the world’s worst liar. He actually gives a shit about whether I’m happy. Not just that I’m there.”

There’s an instant, deeply uncomfortable silence.

“Now you listen to me.” Ralph’s voice is venomous, poison. “You put on this little production as long as you want. I don’t care. Because one day, you’re gonna knock on my door and you’re gonna be smashed already, and we’re gonna go to the bar and close it out like we used to. It’s going to be the same as it always was, just without the fake IDs. People don’t really change, Aiden. I’m the only one who knows the real you. Sooner or later, you’ll crack, and I’ll be right there waiting. Know that.”

Aiden takes a breath to respond, but loud footsteps disturb the situation.

“Heyyyyyyy, it’s Ralph and Aiden!” From my vantage point, I see Noah stumble out of the treeline. Kasey is in his wake, flapping her hands anxiously and scanning around for me. “Just like old times, huh?”

I back away from the group slowly, crouching low to the ground. Give myself an extra ten, fifteen feet. Then straighten up and cup my hands around my mouth.

“Guys?” My call echoes through the quiet forest. “Noah?”

“Jamie?” It’s Aiden, shouting back. I hurry through the foliage to the spot where I know they’re at, only to crash right into Aiden. He was rushing through the bushes, his blue eyes filled with alarm. I stagger back, holding his forearms for support. “Jesus! Noah just turned up without you. What happened?” He takes a longer look at my face, and his eyebrows drop low. “Did you - hear any of that?”

I do my best to get control of my face before I answer.

“Nnn… um. No? No.”

Aiden shakes his head, half-exasperated, half-affectionate.

“You are seriously such a bad liar.” He does that thing again where he takes a bunch of my hair between his knuckles and messes it up. I drop my hold on him, my cheeks burning.

“Is that Keane?” Noah calls, and Aiden quickly glances over his shoulder before leaning down to whisper in my ear.

“We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Okay,” I breathe, because I forget pretty much the rest of the entire dictionary when Aiden speaks this close to my face. He turns and tramps back down the hill towards the others, and I trail behind him. Kasey’s eyes fill with relief when she spots me.

“I couldn’t stop him.” She gestures at Noah, who is squinting up hazily at the forest canopy. Everyone is looking at me, waiting for an explanation. I can’t exactly say that it was cool for me to ditch Noah because I had someone keeping an eye on him, not when that someone is dead.

“Noah, there you are!” I smack his arm. “Don’t wander off like that again!”

Ralph casts a suspicious look my way. The front of his shirt, just below the collar, is still crumpled up from where Aiden had grabbed it.

“Did I wander off?” Noah blinks and looks to me. “I just wanted to lay down for a minute. Did you guys find the thing we were looking for?”

“No.” Ralph’s voice is sour, but he’s quickly folding it away. Disappearing behind the mask of relaxed easiness he wears. “You two idiots were supposed to go the other direction. Now we’ve covered no ground.”

Noah has clearly already stopped listening: he’s crouching over to examine a flower growing out of the springy forest floor. Kasey, on the other hand, is both lucid and observant. I see her take in the crease in Ralph’s t-shirt, the way Aiden has his hands fisted at his sides, and obviously something wrong with me, because her eyes linger on my face.

“Look, guys, it’s a butterfly!” Noah shouts. No one even bothers to turn around.

“What the hell happened?” Kasey asks. “Do I have to remind everyone that we came here to find the cemetery?”

I repeat her question out loud, and Aiden clears his throat.

“Okay, we can’t just wander around hoping to find it.” He pulls out his phone and opens the compass app. “We should pick a direction and follow it, and then if it's not there, we double back and try a different one. Otherwise, we could end up going in circles. We’ve been walking North. We should pick East or West and go from here.”

“We should go in a big circle.” Ralph is clearly in the mood to argue. “If we spend half the day doubling back-”

They lapse into a squabble about it, and Kasey takes the opportunity to sidle up to me.

“Jamie, I thought I’d feel something when we got closer to the cemetery. Like how I felt warm before. But I don’t feel anything at all, not once on this whole trek so far. I feel like we’re nowhere near it.”

“Don’t worry,” I whisper, as Aiden jabs his finger at his phone screen to make a point. “It’s a big forest. Even if you don’t feel it yet, the cemetery could be here. We just started. There’s time.”

“Okay,” Kasey murmurs. “But we’re not going to get far arguing all day.”

I twist away from Aiden and Ralph, who are still arguing about which direction to go. Instead, I look to Noah and the flower he’d been admiring. My arms, which I had folded over my chest, drop to my sides.

“Hey, guys,” I say hoarsely. “Guys.”

“West is a safer bet, that’s closer to Avery’s house, right?” Aiden is saying. “I thought you didn’t remember anything, Ralph.”

“I don’t remember, but if we go East first-”

“Guys!” I shout. They both jump and fix me with questioning stares. “Where is Noah?”

Everyone does their own three-sixty on the spot, and then Ralph groans and throws his head back.

“That fucking idiot.”

“Wow, this time he really did just go wandering off,” Kasey says, and I race towards the last spot I saw him. He’s nowhere. I peer further out through the trees, but this woodland is too densely populated to see too far ahead.

“NOAH!” Aiden bellows, his hands around his mouth. The forest returns only silence. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. We have to find him.”

I shoot an apologetic wince in Kasey’s direction as Aiden turns to Ralph.

“Can you call him?”

“There’s no reception up here,” Ralph admits. “He won’t get it.”

“I thought you said we could all stay in touch with our phones.”

“Yeah, well…”

“For fuck’s sake, Ralph!”

“He can’t have gone that far, right?” I ask, fighting the sinking feeling in my stomach. Aiden takes a breath, trying to calm down.

“Right. Not too far. Come on. We’ll find him really quickly and get back on track.”

We all turn slowly to face the massive forest spread out before us.