Chapter Six: Say Something 1/2

I was tired.

I didn’t understand how I could be this tired.

Everything around me was quiet, and it only made me feel more relaxed.

“She’s awake.”

I knew that voice, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on who it belonged to. It was female, and it sounded irritated.

“She was with you last,” she said, “What did you do?”

Now I knew, it was Benny’s voice.

My eyes opened, and I was staring at bright lights.

This wasn’t my room.

I forced myself to sit up.

“Hold on,” Benny said into the phone before standing next to the bed, “Ren, don’t force yourself.”

I stared at her, and I didn’t know what to say. How long had she been here?

“I’m hanging up,” she said into the phone.

I watched as she pressed a button before putting the device into her pocket.

“Ren?” she asked quietly, as if she might startle me.

I didn’t say anything. I just stared.

“Oh honey,” she sat on the side of the bed.

“What happened?” I asked her.

She looked confused, “You don’t remember?”

Vaguely, I only remember being at the food court with Michael. I don’t remember getting back here.

I shook my head slowly.

She let out a sigh, “Michael called me earlier and said you guys were out front, but when I got there, you were completely blank.”

I made a face.

So, I did it again? Damn it.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

She looked worried, “What happened?”

“I don’t remember,” I admitted.

I was at the food court. I opened the box my mother sent me… oh no.

She frowned before reaching for her pocket again to check her phone.

She was quick to answer it.

“What?” she demanded.

I couldn’t hear the voice on the other side.

“No,” she said, “You have done enough.”

I looked up at her.

“You don’t need to talk to her,” Benny stated.

She must think that it was something he did.

“I don’t mind,” I said.

It wasn’t like this was his fault. It was mine.

I needed to find a new way to deal with everything.

She looked at me, confused.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

I nodded. It wasn’t something I needed to think about.

She sighed before handing me the phone.

I only pressed it to my ear as I listened to the voice.

“Benny?” Michael hissed, “Let me talk to her.”

I didn’t say anything, I just sat there.

He was silent for a minute.

“Ren?” he asked.

I didn’t say anything.

“You promised,” he said, “Say something.”

“Hi,” I said.

He let out an awkward laugh.

I could tell he was worried. I could hear the relief in his words.

“Okay,” he let out a sigh, “I’m sorry.”

I stared at Benny, and she just stared back at me.

I smiled lightly at her.

“Is Benny still there?” he asked.

“Do you want to talk to her?” I asked.

“Does he?” Benny asked oddly.

“No,” Michael was quick to say, “Yes, hand her the phone.”

I handed her the phone, and she was quick to take it.

“What is it?” she asked.

She made a face.

It made me wonder what he was saying to her.

She stood there before turning around. I couldn’t hear what she said to him next.

I laid back on the bed, and I realized then that I was in the infirmary. The nurse wasn’t here, but it was definitely the infirmary.

“Okay,” Benny said, “I’m giving her back the phone.”

I looked up to see her handing the phone to me.

She smiled at me, “I’m going to head back to the room, so I’ll see you later, okay.”

I nodded as I took the phone from her.

She hesitated a good minute before she turned and left the infirmary.

“Is she gone?” he asked.

“What did you say to her?” I asked.

“I just told her to give us a minute to talk.”

“Okay,” I said.

I just held the phone to my ear, and neither one of us said anything.

It felt like forever before Michael spoke again.

“Ren?” he asked.

“Yeah?” I asked back.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said, “So stop apologizing.”

He went silent again, and I didn’t know what to say.

“What are you doing right now?” I asked him.

“Sitting out here on the grass,” he stated.

“Is it the place behind the gym?” I asked.

“No,” he said.

I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t want to just talk to him over the phone. I wanted to see him.

I found myself sitting up, “Go there.”

“There’s nothing wrong with where I am now,” he stated.

Did he not want to see me?

“Go there,” I said again, “I’m hanging up, I’ll see you there in a minute.”

“What?” he demanded.

I hung up the phone and got to my feet.

I put Benny’s phone in my pocket, and I walked out of the infirmary. I went out the side door, so I didn’t have to pass the main desk.

I walked a little faster than usual.

Would he be there, or would he just blow me off?

I guess I’ll find out.

I turned the corner, and I saw him sitting there with his arms resting on his knees and his feet tapping nervously.

“Michael,” I said.

He looked up at me, and I saw the relieved expression on his face.

“Hey,” he said, “You shouldn’t be out here, it’s late.”

I know it was dark out, but I didn’t care. With the little bit of light we had, this felt perfect.

I moved closer to the gate, and I sat down and crossed my legs.

There was a short silence between us. I felt it necessary to speak.

“What is Gus up to?” I asked him.

He checked his phone, “Probably on Skype with Benny.”

I nodded slowly.

I felt nervous as he stared at me.

“I didn’t mean to make anyone worry,” I said, “It’s been a while since that happened, so I don’t think I handled it well.”

“It was like you weren’t even there, Ren,” he stated, “I’ve never seen anyone disappear like that before.”

I stared down at my feet.

“Why?” he asked, “Why do you disappear like that?”

I shook my head.

He can’t know, not yet.

He moved closer to the gate and reached through to pat the top of my head.

I was quick to look up, and he just smiled lightly at me.

“I get it,” he said, “There were plenty of times in my life, where I wish I could have done that.”

He sat back down and ran his hand through his hair.

It was hard not to stare at him. He really is an attractive boy.

Despite the darkness, I could see the blue of his eyes.

“I had Benny take the stuff to your room, so she might have some questions when you get back.”

I nodded slowly.

There was silence again.

“Why?” he asked, “Out of all the places you could have done that, why your thighs?”

I wasn’t expecting that to come out of his mouth. It felt like so long ago already since he found out.

“No one would see them,” I said, “Unless I absolutely trusted them.”

“Sorry I saw them,” he said.

He was looking for reassurance. He wanted me to tell him I trusted him. I could see it on his face, he needed me to trust him.

“You aren’t completely untrustworthy,” I stated.

The look he gave me made me falter.

“Thank you for making sure I came back safely,” I said, “Really.”

I watched as his jaw tightened.

“Michael?” I asked.

“This fucking gate,” he said, “You’re too far away.”

I could see his composure change as he rested his elbow on his knee and covered half his face with his hand.

I was too far away?

“Get over here,” he said.

I instantly went nervous, but I moved forward.

I sat so that my side was against the gate, and he did the same on the opposite side.

I looked over at him, and he stared back at me.

“Don’t freak out,” he said.

I was wondering what he meant, but I felt his hand between my legs, and I instinctively shut them tightly.

“Relax,” Michael whispered into my ear.

I felt his breath on the side of my face, and I shivered.

My legs were shaking, but I slowly opened them.

His fingertips barely touched me last time, having his hand grip my thigh made my body shake more.

His hand moved slowly from the top of my thigh.

He ran his fingers lightly over the scars between my legs. His had was hot against my skin.

His hand moved further, and I placed my hand over his to stop him.

“I won’t touch you unless you ask,” he said quietly, “Don’t worry.”

I nodded, but I refused to let go of his hand. It was warm against my skin. If I let go, I knew I would let him touch me. I had to stop him. I wasn’t ready for that.

I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed my thigh. I let out a small sound.

I felt his nose graze under my ear, and my head went back.

He could only get so close through these damn bars.

“Let me use my fingers,” he breathed.

I definitely felt it, my body went hot, and I wanted him to touch me, but not here.

“We’re outside,” I stated.

He removed his hand, and I felt cold.

I watched as he moved back to adjust his position so that he was on his knees. He took off his jacket and forced it through the bars.

I stared at it as he held it out to me.

“Take it,” he said, “And put your back to the gate.”

I looked at him, “Why?”

“It’s easier for me to reach through the gate,” he stated.

I just kept staring at him.

Do I put my back against the gate and let him touch me?

Why? We weren’t together. Why would I let a man touch me there before he kissed me?

I got to my knees and moved away from the gate.

He looked rejected, clear as day. I could see the look on his face, and I felt terrible, but I couldn’t just give myself up like that.

I pushed the jacket back through the gate, and he stood up.

He just looked at it, not bothering to reach for it.

“Take it,” I said, getting to my feet.

He didn’t move to take it.

“Michael,” I said, “Take it.”

He moved back, and I could see him getting ready to leave.

I did it without even thinking. I pulled his jacket back through, and I slammed my back against the gate. The cold from the metal felt good against my now sore back.

After a couple of seconds like that, I expected to feel his hands.

I didn’t feel anything.

I turned my head to see him standing there just looking at me.

What was he waiting for?

He didn’t budge.

I faced forward to reach my hands above my head, and I grabbed the gate.

I could feel him behind me now, he was definitely closer.

His hands landed on my hips, and he pulled me closer to the gate. I gasped.

Slowly his hands went down until they reached my knees, and then he slowly brought them back up. I could feel his thumb messing with the elastic of my underwear on my butt.

“M-Michael,” I stuttered.

His hands disappeared, and I heard him sigh.

I turned around to look at him, “What’s wrong?”

“This is a bad idea,” he said mainly to himself.

Somehow, I felt like it was me who had been rejected. I wasn’t ready for him to touch me, but in order to make him happy, I would have.

I slowly moved away from the gate, but I couldn’t look at him.

He was the one that always made jokes and made comments about fucking me, but when something like this happens, he rejects me.

I didn’t want to stand here anymore. I didn’t want to be here at all.

He didn’t say anything, so I was quick to slip his jacket through and drop it.

This wasn’t going to happen, so I ran.

I was stupid to think he would take me like that, so stupid!

“Ren!”

I could hear him call my name, but I wasn’t going back there.

How was I always able to make the wrong decision?

I made my way back to my room, and I stood outside the door.

Part of me wasn’t ready to face Benny, but I was so tired.

What was I even doing? This whole thing was so ridiculous.

Michael isn’t my boyfriend, so why would I even consider something like that at all? What the hell is he doing to me?

There was talking on the other side of the door, but I couldn’t understand any of it. The voices got louder, then the door suddenly burst open.

Benny stood there with a look of surprise on her face.

“Ren?” she asked.

I looked up to meet her gaze.

“How long have you been standing here?”

To be honest, I had no idea.

I only shrugged.

She took my hand and pulled me inside, and I felt loved.

That feeling of rejection from Michael was barely a memory. I felt better.

“Gus, you still there?” Benny asked.

“Is Ren there?” Gus asked. He sounded worried.

I moved to see him on the screen, and he grinned once he saw me, “Hey, Ren.”

“Hey, Gus,” I said.

I couldn’t help but smile once I saw his relief.

The person in the back, however, soiled my mood.

Michael stood there with an irritated look on his face.

He didn’t have his jacket on. I didn’t see it at all.

That reminded me about the phone I had, the one that didn’t belong to me.

I pulled the phone from my pocket and handed it to Benny.

“Thanks for letting me borrow it,” I said.

She only smiled before pulling the chair from my desk and bringing it over to the computer. I sat in my chair, and she sat in hers.

I listened to her and Gus flirt, but my eyes were on Michael, and his were on me.

He was mad at me for running away. I didn’t think he deserved to be mad. He was the one that rejected me.

I knew when to smile and when to laugh at jokes Benny and Gus made, but I wasn’t really into it.

It was like everything went away, and I suddenly became tired again.

I got to my feet, and all eyes were on me.

“Tired?” Benny asked me.

I nodded, “Goodnight, you guys.”

I waved at the screen.

“Night Ren,” Gus said.

Michael didn’t say anything.

“Goodnight, Ren,” Benny said.

I gave her another smile before getting to my bed.

My uniform was still on. I knew I couldn’t sleep with it on.

I went to my closet, and I saw the bags on the ground. Both the red and yellow dresses were hanging up.

I backup up to look at Benny, “Thank you.”

She grinned at me.

Why didn’t I have someone like her when I was back home?

I needed someone like Benny, maybe then I wouldn’t have been in so much pain.

I went back to my closet, and I was quick to remove my uniform. I put on a pair of sweat pants and a long-sleeved dark gray shirt.

Now I was ready for bed.