Warning: The following episode contains scenes of self-harm and abuse. If you find yourself being sensitive to such matters I would advise you against reading this episode. You can message me for a shorter, cleaner version which I'll gladly share with you.
Enjoy and be safe. 

Takehiko was astounded by Ocean’s behaviour. First, he reassures me everything’s alright, then he asks me to leave and just walks out of the room without saying a single word? He didn’t know what to say or how to react, so he did nothing but gawk at the closed bedroom door. It’d passed about two or three minutes when he started feeling absolutely stupid for being there. Disheartened, he got up and made for the exit when he heard Ocean screaming.

“What the-”

Ocean screamed again and Takehiko didn’t hesitate. He bolted into the bedroom. No one was there. The room was clean, the bed barely touched. He shivered. The difference between the cosy warm kitchenette and the freezing cold bedroom made no sense. The window was firmly closed and the radiator boiling.

“Ocean?”

No answer. He looked again around in the bedroom, he even peeked under the bed and in the wardrobe. Nothing. Strange. Did I just imagine it? As he was going back outside, he stepped on something. He put his foot back and saw Ocean’s glasses lying on the floor. He picked them up, placed them gently on the nightstand and looked around once more. He noticed the bathroom door was ajar, yet no light was coming from it. 

Something was pulling him towards it, like large flashy arrows pointing at it and a neon sign above it saying ‘RIGHT HERE’. He pushed through the door and found the blond curled up in the corner of the shower, shivering like a leaf. His soft sobs were resonating across the silent room. He got closer, sat on his heels and slowly slid the glass door.

“What happened?”

Ocean jumped in surprise and cussed. His eyes were painted with the colours of terror. “Is he gone?”

“Who?”

Ocean seemed to frantically search the dark room but soon relaxed. His stare, however, was vacant. He was there and yet he wasn’t. What could’ve happened during those few minutes behind the closed doors? Takehiko couldn’t help but wonder. With the help of the scarce rays of light, he could see how colourless the man’s skin was, even the constant rosy tint of his ears and nose was gone. He gently touched Ocean’s shoulder.

“Are you alright?”

“Been better.”

“That’s for sure,” Takehiko laughed. “Listen, I know it’s not my place so I won’t ask anything. But if I can help in any way then-”

“Could you hold me?”

Takehiko didn’t need to be asked twice. He locked Ocean tight in his arms and felt Ocean’s hands behind his back mirroring him. “Then I’ll do just that.”

And they both stayed there, sitting in comfortable silence, with the only sound to be heard was their very own breaths and the slow drip of the shower. No ghosts of the past or future, just their present bodies, with their slow heartbeats and their warm skins. And even though Ocean was way taller, he seemed small in Takehiko’s arms. Like a child seeking shelter from a nightmare, scared of the monster lurking under his bed. 

“Why are you doing this?” Ocean spoke up.

“Doing what?”

“Staying here. Why… why didn’t you leave?”

“Do you still want me to leave?” There was no response other than Ocean’s fingers clawing his jacket and Takehiko understood. “I want to be there for you. I… I don’t get what is happening, but I won’t leave you alone-”

“Wanna know?” Ocean asked.

“Know what?”

“The reason why I am like this.”

“Y-you don’t have to-”

“I know. But you’ve seen too much already, you might as well understand what’s up.”

“Okay.”

Ocean took a deep breath in, Takehiko’s scent filling his lungs. He let go and struggled to take his hoodie off, his long limbs bumping against the walls. The soft light that was coming through the open door allowed Takehiko to see the exposed skin of Ocean’s upper body. On his arms, he had hundreds of cuts. Some were new, deep red and some were old, almost indistinguishable from his skin. On his chest, there lie several longer ones. All seemed recent. 

Takehiko’s eyes started to fill up even though it was obvious by the absence of his lips he was pressing himself to remain calm. He brushed his fingers against Ocean’s skin. It was greatly deformed and extremely textured. It felt as if they were never given a chance to heal.

“Did you do all that by yourself?”

“All the new ones and most of the olds. I have several on my legs also. Some on my back too, but those aren’t from me. My father used to beat me up as a kid. To him, I was very ‘disobedient’, a disgrace to have as a son. And of course, the only thing my mother would do is put makeup on my wounds so the neighbours won’t notice.”

“Oh my God,” the phrase spilled from Takehiko’s lips.

“Yeah, that’s what she used to say, too. That’s why she would send me to our church’s Bible study. That’s how she thought I’d be ‘cured’. Little did she know the exact opposite would happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“I met a boy there. Diarmuid,” said Ocean and smiled wistfully. “We became friends. Just the two of us. And soon a lot more than just that. And what’s the biggest sin if not loving the same sex? And killing people, of course.” Ocean paused and stared at the shower tiles silently. “It didn’t last long. Or at least it felt too short. On my sixteenth birthday, he stayed at my house. It was easy you see, on the 3rd of January neither of us had classes and his parents were more than happy to get rid of him on the first working day of the year.”

“The 3rd? Like today?”

“Is it still the 3rd?”

Takehiko looked at his watch. “Half eleven.”

“Then I guess so. And yeah, you see we had this brilliant idea to lose our virginity to each other that day. Only it wasn’t so brilliant after all. My father opened my room’s door and found us both half-naked. Of course, he took off his belt to whip me with it. And, of course, Diarmuid didn’t just stand there. He tried to protect me but father pushed him so hard he got blasted through the window. Then… then the ambulance came. I got in with him. He… he never made it to the hospital.”

He stopped and breathed sharply. He raked his fingers through his hair and became even smaller, so small he could fit in a pocket. 

“It’s alright if you don’t want to do this anymore.”

“No, this is the most important part. Forgive me if I take my time.”

“Take it easy.”

Ocean’s fingers hooked on his sweaty hair. Tears ran down from his eyes and Takehiko’s heart protested loudly in his chest. Ocean was showing his most vulnerable side and Takehiko felt absolutely worthless, sitting there, doing nothing but stare. 

“He died,” Ocean uttered softly as new salty tears found their way in between his lips. “He died in my arms, I saw him turn pale and flaccid. They forced me out of the ambulance, they tried to save him but he was gone. Gone!” 

He cried and the rivers ran on top of the million freckles of his hollow cheeks, the wrinkles of his neck. With no fabric to hold them back, they made tiny puddles on his collarbones and some escaped even further down his blotched chest. And Takehiko just watched. 

“How… how could I ever forget?” Ocean tried again as the hiccups caused by his sobbing were making his speech a hurdle. “My parents for once made sure... I was taken care of, proving my father right who always believed his son needed to be straitjacketed. They helped me... stop trying to kill myself and gain some... weight. I missed a whole year and nothing was the same anymore. Everyone’s attitude towards me… The crazy gay kid with the dead boyfriend... I managed to finish school... just barely and tried to get a decent degree. Things were good and I was finally on my own, away from everyone’s pointing finger. Then I came here and I guess... I guess the stress pushed me harder than I could handle. Last year I broke down again, I lost it. I don’t think I ever recovered from that. I see... things. I can’t sleep. I can’t even think straight. I’m such a messy mess.”

“You’re doing an amazing job handling it, though. I doubt anyone can tell.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

Takehiko chuckled. “It’s obvious something’s… different about you, but... I don’t think this has ever crossed anyone’s mind. Aya has no clue, she just thinks you’re a weirdo.”

“That’s good. It’s not anyone’s business but mine.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry you lost him. I’m sorry you had to go through all this.”

The corners of Ocean’s lips were turned slightly upwards. “I’m sorry, too.”

They spent the next few minutes in silence, Ocean’s eyes drying up, bit by bit. Takehiko, on the other hand, was taking his time trying to process everything. The parents’ cruelty, the loss of a loved one, the efforts of keeping it all together and still managing to succeed in life, even only to a certain extent. He truly admired Ocean and his strength to hold on, despite his misfortunes, despite the pain. He wanted to grab his hand and follow him, support him, watch him grow. If he got lucky perhaps Ocean would spare him a shard of his superhuman strength.

For now, all Takehiko could do was distract Ocean and he only knew one way to do it. “Wanna order something? Like a cake or whatever?”

“A cake?”

“I-I don’t know. Maybe burgers and put a candle on?”

Ocean gawked surprised and burst into laughter, a few fresh tears escaping the corners of his tired eyes. “Isn’t everyone closed now? It’s pretty late.”

“I’m sure a few will be open.”

“What about candles? I don’t have any.”

“You have a lighter, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“Then we’ll figure something out. We should also stay up all night and watch stuff. Maybe play a game or two. Celebrate properly.”

“I’ll probably fall asleep in the first hour.”

“That’s alright. I’ll keep celebrating for you. And if you have a weird dream you can tell me about it.”

And so they did. Their food arrived and they lit up a napkin that Ocean tried to blow out but nearly burned down everything else. They laughed plenty and decided to play Mario Kart but Ocean fell asleep in the first hour with the handle in his hand and his mouth slightly open. His head fell on Takehiko’s shoulder and his glasses slid down his slim nose. Takehiko saw and couldn’t help but feel hundreds of tiny butterflies fighting in his tummy. He switched the console off and put it away.

He wondered what that feeling was and whether or not it connected to the way he felt when they had kissed at the bar or the tingles that crawled on his skin every time those grey eyes met his. It wasn’t a good time to figure it out, though, so he simply closed his eyes and whispered softly.

“Happy birthday, Oisín.”