Friday

Something about walking back inside the house again had felt unsettling and had caused him to feel sick to his stomach. And he knew he felt that way because the entire home seemed to be remodeled in one way or another. For starters, the living room now had white walls, instead of the wallpaper with flowery print that had decorated the room ever since he was a toddler. The kitchen’s floor was replaced by a lighter type of floorboards, while the walls too were now an off-color white instead of the soft pastel color that they used to have.

But most unsettling had been to walk into his own room—now belonging to Elio—and not find the baby blue walls he so desperately tried to hide with everything he could find. They were clean and white, except the wall where the bed stood against; it was a very calming warm yellow tone that reminded him of a sunset.

Elio had placed furniture in completely different places than Senn had himself, and he was kind of annoyed by it. The desk should definitely be standing in front of the big windows, so Elio could enjoy the view while doing homework. Instead, his bed stood there, while his desk was against the yellow wall while that had been the place Senn’s bed had stood for years on end.

He had tried to shake it off, but he failed miserably, watching Elio place his backpack next to the desk, quickly putting on a flannel instead of his hoodie. It was all done in silence, while Senn tried to envision his old room. He stopped as soon as painful happy memories started flooding in, and he was thankful Elio seemed to notice and stopped stalling.

They went to a club that was 21+, but Senn had lost his fake ID after the accident—since they needed to ID him, and they figured it was fake. Which was why Elio took him to a pub down the street where they didn’t seem to care about their age. They drank two beers, until Elio took him to the next, and so on.

By the time they had managed to enter a club they were actually too young for, Senn was drunk, but feeling enjoyed nonetheless.

The memories about his old home had faded away which each sip of beer until they were a blurry mess inside his head that couldn’t affect him as much anymore. Senn wasn’t an emotional drunk. No, Senn was a horny drunk; one that would get touchy, try to seduce someone and at least have a heated make out session somewhere in a corner, a private room, an alley, or for all he cared; an old treehouse.

But Julian was long history by now. Senn didn’t even remember the last four to five months they spend together. But he did clearly remember how Julian would always find him in the midst of a crowd. How he only had to smile, for Senn to follow him outside, away from the party, and towards their secret spot. How every graze was enough to send chills down his spine, every laugh enough to send his stomach into a knot. He clearly remembered how much better it felt for Julian to touch him, than any of Joyce’s gestures.

But again, it had been months, Julian wasn’t there, and neither was Joyce. Which was why Senn did the next best thing; get even more drunk. Because the more drunk he got, the more he would forget about his past, forced to focus on his present. The here, the now, the how not to throw up and end up in a ditch.

Elio seemed to enjoy himself too, laughing over Senn’s funny dances, or when he downed to beers straight, burping loudly under cheering from a bunch of strangers that liked his energy enough to cheer for his crazy attitude.

“Wanna move to the next party?” Elio asked with amusement evident in his words. “Or do you want to stick to this club?”

“This is fine,” Senn slurred his words, bumping into Elio before he laughed. “They like me here. Nobody likes me nowadays.”

“I do,” Elio replied, sounding a little too serious for Senn’s drunk mind to actually comprehend what he said.

“Harold has weed,” Senn ignored his reply without noticing he did, pointing towards a shabby looking guy who seemed high out of his mind already. “We’re gonna smoke. You coming?”

“I don’t… smoke weed,” Elio frowned, following Senn nonetheless.

Senn tried to make weird sounds that should describe what Senn thought of that fact; Elio was a party-pooper. Yet, he was glad Elio followed them out of the club and into an alley, where Harold and a girl offered him a pre-rolled joint.

“Have you ever tried?” Senn asked, offering him the joint. “It’s a really fun feeling.”

“It stinks,” Elio protested, causing Senn to laugh along with Harold and his lady friend. “But okay, I’ll try. If you say it’s good…”

Senn nodded—though uncoordinated—and smiled when Elio took the joint, took a drag, and handed it back to Senn.

“You gotta take a few drags, else it’s useless.”

Senn watched Elio smoke his first joint, feeling highly amused. Elio seemed to actually enjoy being stoned as soon as he started feeling the effects, and even impressed Senn by blowing out a circle, that Harold destroyed by slapping it out of the air. Harold and the girl soon left after that, since Elio had repeated the trick and Harold got annoyed because he couldn’t do it, al the while Senn kept laughing over them. Senn and Elio laughed together while they watched Harold walk away. When Senn stopped laughing, he noticed Elio—standing very close—smile at him in content.

“What?” Senn asked, still hiccupping a bit.

“I haven’t seen you smile as much as you smiled tonight.”

Senn felt his face heat up, and his laughter all but once ended while he was staring right into Elio’s deep blue eyes. He felt tingles run across his skin when Elio smiled ever so slightly wider than before.

Senn swallowed heavily.

“What’s wrong?” Elio asked, as the staring continued for a good minute without Senn saying anything.

“You have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen, you know?” Senn whispered, and he noticed Elio’s smile drop, and his Adam’s apple to bop up and down.

“Funny,” Elio drawled in a whisper. “That’s exactly what I thought the first time you looked at me.”

Senn swallowed again, when he felt Elio step close enough for his breath to fan his face. Senn shortly bit his lip when Elio’s hand found his, and he entwined their fingers. Breathing was suddenly heavy, and he wanted to kiss Elio so badly.

But a big part of him also didn’t want to end the tension, because it felt so good he felt addicted to it.

They were drunk and high; both of them. Senn had no issue whatsoever with a drunk make out session for the sake of fun. But he had no idea if Elio was up for it. He hadn’t even expected Elio to be into guys in the first place.

Yet, here he was, holding his hand, staring at him with an intense look that nearly set Senn on fire.

Without giving Senn another second to doubt or wonder, Elio placed his other hand in his neck, and connected their lips in a sweet, gentle kiss.

One that made Senn’s heart race.

He released Elio’s hand, only to place his arms around his neck and push their bodies together, for as far as possible. Elio whimpered softly, pushing Senn against a wall while the kiss was deepened, growing more desperate each second.

But when Elio moaned when Senn tugged his hair, his mind took him on a detour, and he suddenly couldn’t think about anything but Julian moaning whenever he did that. Or Julian, who dug his fingers in his skin like Elio did just then. Or Julian, who bit his lip, like Elio did…

“Stop!” Senn pushed Elio away, staring at him with wide eyes, panting for air. “I—I can’t… We can’t.” And with those words, Senn got away from Elio as fast as physically possible, while tears already streamed down his face before he managed to exit the alley.

He hoped at least one thing was erased from his mind after the accident. But apparently, his heart hadn’t exactly forgotten about his unrequited love for Julian, even if the other boy was on the other side of the country, enjoying college, while he was here, trying to deal with the mess that was called life.