To my birth family,

Growing up in a white family I didn’t think too much about what Chinese parents might expect from me (if I’d grown up with them). But even in a white family I wasn’t immune to the existing stereotypes about Chinese people.

Now that I’m in uni and have met more than five Chinese kids who live with Chinese parents I think I can say I’ve got a better grasp on the stereotypes. There are a few I’d like to discuss. Let’s review them, shall we?

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[1. Chinese parents like to keep their kids home to study. The kid ends up being top of their class at the expense of socializing with friends and building social skills.]

A lot of Chinese kids I met growing up were top of their class, or close to it. This one applies to me as well, and for some time we’re all affected by it. Hearing that other Chinese kids are smart and get top of the class has the ability to make you feel like you’ve “let your people down” even if you have white parents.

I fell victim to this, a small part of me felt pressured to live up to what people thought a Chinese kid should be like, so I did nothing but study for the longest time.

While this stereotype can speak truthfully to the many intelligent people who’ve come from China or have Chinese heritage, it also irks me to admit that this stereotype has a dark side.

I met a Canadian-born Chinese girl in uni who told me her parents wouldn’t let her go out with friends in high school because they wanted her to study. At home. She said their dream was for her to get into the best university and remain at the top of her class.

She said she wished she’d been more social in high school because she’s really shy now and doesn’t have a lot of friends.

I’m hoping that if we’re ever to meet you won’t expect me to have done nothing but study all my childhood! There comes a time when too much studying makes your head combust.

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[2. Chinese people eat rice with every meal. It’s not a meal unless it’s got that good white starch. Potatoes? What’s that? Pasta? Never heard of it!]

Rice . . . Remember my previous letter about food? I can believe that rice is eaten at every meal, but for some people not to even consider the potato? It wounds me.

And what about pasta? One guy I met had no idea what else to eat with a meal other than rice. Hello? What about soup or salad or pasta? Noodles are a Chinese thing, dammit!

Don’t get me wrong. I love rice. Seriously, I do, but if we’re going to eat a meal together you can bet that one day I’ll make you mashed potatoes with shepherd’s pie. I hope you’ll be open to eating a meal without rice!

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[3. Chinese parents have their kids learn an instrument, usually the piano or the violin. Perhaps they want their kids to become the next Sarah Chang, but Chinese.]

Okay, this stereotype extends to white people, too. Mum and Dad had me try piano for a few years before I discovered my lack of musical talent and dropped it. Many people I know have also played piano among other things like violin or guitar.

Learning music is good for cognition, I agree. It’s just gives me a weird feeling when I see all the asians flocking the music room to play violin together. It feels like I’m intruding on their symphony cause I don’t play the violin; I feel bad that I’m not Sarah Chang.

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[4. Chinese kids can easily distinguish which parent adores which kid the most. Levels of severity vary, obviously.]

Okay, this is also a white family thing, too. I notice that parents will drift toward the kis who take after them, which is natural, but I’ve met a few Chinese friends whose parents completely favour one kid over the other, and to me that’s so weird and sad.

One girl I met says her parents have given up all hope with her in favour of her older brother. He’s their golden boy who they pour all funds and attention into cause they want his intelligence to reach university and one day help him become a doctor or a lawyer. They put their faith in him as the kid who’ll come back home after it all and take care of the parents because he’s their favourite.

Please tell me this isn’t common, that it’s just a stereotype. It would hurt to meet you and find out that the reason you gave me up is because you liked my sibling (or the prospect of having another, less disappointing child) more than me.

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[5. Chinese parents don’t want their kids to leave them. They want their kids to marry Chinese people and raise Chinese children so that when the parents get old their grown-up kids will be filial and return home to look after them.]

I can’t tell you how nervous I am to meet you. I’m partially afraid that this stereotype will apply to you, as it applies to so many cultures I’ve learned about. I know that filial piety is a thing. Every Chinese kid I’ve met says their parents don’t want them to stray too far away from the nest, but some cases seem a bit extreme.

I don’t know if it’s because they miss their kids a little too much or if they’re afraid their kids will abandon them. But lemme tell you right now, if you are that type of parent and you’ve been guilting my sibling (or would’ve guilted me) into staying close to home and only marrying a Chinese I will have to disagree with you.

You might think it’s too Western of me to say this, but although I love my parents and am grateful that you, my birth parents, put me up for adoption, nothing is going to stop me from living my life.

I’m going to live my life how I please, meaning I’ll date who I want to date and marry who I want to marry. I’ll help my parents when they get old but I won’t make them my whole life.

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So yes, I study a lot, eat rice, have an instrument to my past, and drift more toward one parent than the other. Though these stereotypes may speak some truth of me and have weighed me down on various occasions, I’m not going to let them trample me.

Lillian Monroe is too stubborn and strong headed for that. So please don’t expect me to become these stereotypes or any others pertaining to the “Chinese image,” because that’s just not who I am.

Sincerely,

Lillian