Saturday

Without knowing why, Senn felt like crying. He felt like screaming, yelling, fighting; anything to get rid of the feelings he was currently drowning in. He had never felt more alone as he had lately. More than ever did he long to his mother and her southing words. More than anything did he want to tell her about the fight inside him that he had been trying to win for so long.

Julian was gone, his parents weren’t there any longer. He couldn’t tell them he was bisexual; he couldn’t hear what they thought about that. If they were okay with it or if they thought it was wrong.

Senn was pretty sure his father would be okay. It was his mother and her religious background that made him doubt. That had caused him not to spill his secret months before the accident, after first sleeping with Julian. After knowing for sure that he indeed was attracted to guys to the same level he was attracted to girls.

It was a fight to accept himself. A fight he had long managed to push aside—forget about—the night of the accident. Suddenly, his sexuality felt like a futile detail that wasn’t at all important. So what if he liked boys and girls?

But still, Senn wanted his parents’ approval. He wanted to know if they’d love him for who he was, no matter who he’d bring home one day. Which was now a mystery he could no longer solve.

Elio and his damned lips had awakened the entire fight within a few cursed seconds, sending Senn back into his own dark hole, for he knew no matter what, he wouldn’t ever get his parents’ approval.

Even worse, they were probably looking down upon him, and they now knew.

Yet, he wouldn’t ever find out what they’d do with that information.

Consumed by thoughts and feelings, Senn opened the back door after storing his bike in the garage. Even before the door had closed behind him, Tessa appeared in the kitchen with wide yet angry eyes.

“Where have you been?” She called out, sounding even angrier than she looked. “It’s four in the morning and you’ve been gone all day!”

“I—” Senn started, but since he had no excuse—other than the fact he just didn’t want to be there—he shrugged instead.

“You? What, Senn? We’ve been worried sick! Dean is out there, looking for you!” She grabbed hold of her head. “We’ve called you, over and over again. Where were you, Senn?”

“Just out,” Senn relied coldly. “Out and away from you suffocating people who mastered the art of sending mixed fucking signals.”

“Out where, Senn?” Tessa seemed to lose her patience, and Senn did feel crappy for causing her to worry like that; but only slightly. At least right now he wasn’t the only one who felt shitty. Or was searching for answers they wouldn’t get.

“As if I’d tell you. Those are my places, and you’re not invited.”

“That’s it.” Tessa shook her head, looking at him in disbelief. “You’re grounded. You’ll go to school, you’ll stay in school until the day actually ends, you come home, and you go to your room—”

“It’s not my room!” Senn yelled at her, as he felt the anger burst out. “You don’t get to decide when or why I call this my home or not! It’s not up to you to decide when I’m ready to unpack my shit. It’s not up to you to boss me around or fucking ground me because you are not my mom!”

While Tessa was still in complete shock over his outburst, or his harsh words, or the fact he was about to completely ignore her and the fact she grounded him, Senn pulled the backdoor open again. As footsteps could be heard descending the stairs, Senn descended the steps from the patio into the garden.

“Senn! You stay right here—”

“Fuck off,” Senn snapped, grabbing his bike to get away from them faster.

He rode towards the river, because really, it was too dark to walk over the tree and get to the treehouse. He also just wanted to sit still as soon as possible and have some peace and quiet for once.

Without Elio interrupting him on the swing set.

And for about an hour and a half, he could sit in silence and cry without feeling embarrassed because someone could see him. Without feeling like someone would catch him red-handed with tears streaming down his face.

It surprised him he actually was interrupted by Lucas, who silently sat down beside him, and put his arm around him. It was small gesture of support, but in that moment, it was right about the only thing Lucas could’ve done without Senn feeling the need to tell him to fuck off too.

“Why’re you here?” Senn muttered, sniffing, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

“Your aunt called us all to ask if you showed up,” Lucas explained. “Sam, Joyce, Avan, Elio, they’re all out looking for you.”

“And you all got out of bed for that? I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem to be doing fine, though,” Lucas mumbled, sighing deeply. “I mean, I get that you feel shit and all, but… You ran away in the middle of the night and instead of coming to Avan or me, you went here.”

Senn shrugged, unsure on what Lucas expected him to reply.

“You’re not alone, dude.” Lucas nudged him gently. “We want to help you, but you have to let us do that. If you want to scream, yell, or fight, we’re here for you. But if you just want to talk or sit in silence, you can call us too.”

Senn took in a deep breath, releasing it after holding it in for a few seconds. “I just don’t know anymore, Luc. I don’t feel home anywhere and Tessa and Dean… I feel like they’re pushing me, and they act so insulted when I push them away but…”

“But?” Lucas asked carefully after a moment of silence.

“This isn’t about them, or what they want. Right?”

“Right, this is about you, and what you need.” Lucas nodded, and he seemed to really agree with Senn, which caused Senn to sigh and smile, feeling relieved. He felt like he was being selfish for pushing them away. But like Killian had said before; nobody could force him to move faster in his process of grief.

“What I need, is to go back in time, because I hate feeling like this, and I don’t think I will ever stop feeling like it either.”

“But how do you feel? You never really told anyone what it is that you feel exactly. I mean, shitty, yes… But do you feel…” Lucas stopped talking, and Senn patiently waited for him to finish his question. He seemed to struggle to find the right words, but at least he was trying to overthink his words before speaking them out loud.

“Guilty,” Senn eventually whispered when Lucas didn’t continue for so long it made him feel awkward.

“Guilty, because you were the one driving?”

Senn took in a sharp breath, and with shaking hands and unsteady voice, he replied; “Guilty, because I survived.”